I have a situation that I would really like to get a lot of opinions on. It’s pretty interesting because anybody in here that is in a relationship might find themselves in this situation. So hopefully I won’t bore you. This is the situation. First and foremost understand that I am in a very serious relationship, not a friendship. Ok my lady and I were having a conversation and she made the point that I was very private. She proceeded to name everything I knew about her, and she was right I did know pretty much everything one could know about a person about her. She also knew just about as much about me. In fact she knew so much that the one thing she could think of that was even close to person that she didn’t know was the password to my yahoo e-mail, lol. Now at this point, since she was obviously hinting that she would like to know I said this, “If you would like to know my yahoo e-mail password, then just ask. Just say Jeff I would like to know your yahoo password”. She refused to ask and said that I should just tell her. I wondered why, if it was something you had no problem hinting at, it would be something you would have a problem asking, if you didn’t think anything was wrong with asking in the first place?
Now bear in mind that I do know her e-mail addresses. There are three. One I know because she wanted me to see something on her black planet page so she just gave it to me. Later she forgot the name to the account so I’m guessing it wasn’t very important in the first place. The other two I “checked” for her because she was expecting some important stuff from school but in no case was it something I asked for or was offered out of the blue.

My question is why not just ask if it’s important that you know? Or is it something one should just offer out of the blue (wouldn’t that seem a little fishy?)

hey Jeff !
it can go both ways , you can just give it to her if nothing to hide also if you
really wanted her to have it as well as she could ask for it without all the hints
and talking around it ,
did she just want it because you know her's or she feel it's only fair to have it
like you have her's ???? answer this to your self and see how you feel and this
will say if you should or shouldn't and if your wrong for not just giving it to her
i really don't see the big deal over it , but i say no you didn't have to just give it
out to her if she didn't ask for it !

I know my wife's email passwords, and she knows mine. However this is not necessary information, and you should not feel obligated to give it. This being said, the choice is strictly up to you.

My question is why not just ask if it’s important that you know? Or is it something one should just offer out of the blue (wouldn’t that seem a little fishy?)

I watched my mother one day eat something that I wanted a piece of. I sat there drooling and looking at her like "aren't you going to ask me if I want some?"...she keep on eating. After it was gone, she got up to wash the dish and I followed her into the kitchen and finally said something like "mom, you knew I wanted some why didn't you offer me a bite?" She told me, if you want something you have to persue it, don't wait for someone to offer you something all the time, it might not happen.

Sometimes we don't know what's important to others and they would have to persue the information they want. If she wants to know, I think she should ask. You've made it clear that's all she has to do is ask.

I watched my mother one day eat something that I wanted a piece of. I sat there drooling and looking at her like "aren't you going to ask me if I want some?"...she keep on eating. After it was gone, she got up to wash the dish and I followed her into the kitchen and finally said something like "mom, you knew I wanted some why didn't you offer me a bite?" She told me, if you want something you have to persue it, don't wait for someone to offer you something all the time, it might not happen.

Sometimes we don't know what's important to others and they would have to persue the information they want. If she wants to know, I think she should ask. You've made it clear that's all she has to do is ask.


Zerogravity, I think that’s a very good way of looking at the situation. I’ve tried to be as objective about it as possible but every time I tried to convince myself that maybe I should have just offered it, I fall well short of being persuaded. I am convinced however, that she felt bad about asking for it, and was looking for the “easy way out” by waiting for me to “offer it”. I think the reason this whole state of affairs interest me so much, is because it raises the question, “Does the concept of something being mine still exist in a deep relationship”. My answer to that is that it should. Even if the right is never exercised it’s a comforting thing to know that I can exist as an individual from time to time without feeling guilty about it.

Brother Jeff this can go both ways. I think the best thing to do is to be open and understanding and keep the communcation flowing, and respect her right to privacy as much as you want yours respected. At least you guys are communicating, most serious people do not even talk.

“Does the concept of something being mine still exist in a deep relationship”.

Thats a great question and one I think is asked by many. I think the answer doesn't really matter as long as the concept is shared, understood and respected by the other mate. I asked a similar question but more directed toward a particular thing, I asked the question about finances (joint, separate or special accounts) in a relationship. Whatever works for the couple is the ultimate answer, regardless of the concept or individual perspectives of the matter.

I wish you well.

Hello,

I think you did the right thing. As a female, I will say this, and I speak ONLY on my behalf. I do not want to know a brother's passwords and such. I am not trying to crack the code to your cell, or your answering machine. None of that. If you give me something, because you ASK me to check it for you, fine. If I feel the need to have you check something for me, I will ask you. I personally think that asking for those things is a trust issue. Some folks have it, some don't. When you get to a point where you are in a serious relationship, deeply involved couple or marriage, there shouldn't be secrets, but yes, each person must keep some form of individuality. You are together, but you don't become her anymore than she becomes you.

If she wants it, she should ask for it. You're both adults and you appear to have very good communication. You could just give it to her, if you are feeling generous, but at this stage, you should be able to ask each other for what you want. I don't take it as a matter of hiding things, you have a life and outside interests, not romantic relationships, which do not necessarily include her all the time and vice versa.

Bro just give her the password if you have nothing to hide!
because if your relationship is important to you then this will save it and kill any thoughts in her mind that somthing might be going on or might go on in ght future. yes she is the one who want's to know but does it matter in the end? she just want's to know she wont have to ask u for it to get it.
It's a win loose position...lol

Hello,

I think you did the right thing. As a female, I will say this, and I speak ONLY on my behalf. I do not want to know a brother's passwords and such. I am not trying to crack the code to your cell, or your answering machine. None of that. If you give me something, because you ASK me to check it for you, fine. If I feel the need to have you check something for me, I will ask you. I personally think that asking for those things is a trust issue. Some folks have it, some don't. When you get to a point where you are in a serious relationship, deeply involved couple or marriage, there shouldn't be secrets, but yes, each person must keep some form of individuality. You are together, but you don't become her anymore than she becomes you.

If she wants it, she should ask for it. You're both adults and you appear to have very good communication. You could just give it to her, if you are feeling generous, but at this stage, you should be able to ask each other for what you want. I don't take it as a matter of hiding things, you have a life and outside interests, not romantic relationships, which do not necessarily include her all the time and vice versa.

I appreciate the perspective Jazzymoonchild, you had a lot of very interesting things to say, as did everybody who responded. Yes we do have good communicatioin so I don't think yahoo will be the end of us :laugh:

Bro just give her the password if you have nothing to hide!
because if your relationship is important to you then this will save it and kill any thoughts in her mind that somthing might be going on or might go on in the future. yes she is the one who want's to know but does it matter in the end? she just want's to know she wont have to ask u for it to get it.
It's a win loose position...lol

See that's just it Caramel, my relationship is important to me. That's why I want to keep it interesting by not slowly allowing myself to be assimilated. First it’s e-mail passwords, then the next thing you know I’ll have a barcode on my neck, and one of those little strings that when you pull, I say catch phrases, out of love of coarse :laugh: (<<<gross exaggeration).

All jokes aside though I want this relationship to be like a team. A team, a good team, is a single unit made up of individuals who each contribute to the whole in their own unique way. Take away the individuals and you take away the team. So the best way to care for your team is to care for your individuals, and in turn they will be team players.

I would not give my yahoo password out to anyone. That's what it's for....privacy. It doesn't mean that you're doing anything, but somethings you don't need to know. It's not something that she has to have. I mean, for what. So she can check in on you from time to time? Especially when she won't even come out and ask you for it.

Hey, Jeff

Different strokes for different folks. I do love the response you gave to Python. The team concept is a good one. I like how you worded that. I think you are doing the right thing. I wish you and your relationship the best.

Hey, Jeff

Different strokes for different folks. I do love the response you gave to Python. The team concept is a good one. I like how you worded that. I think you are doing the right thing. I wish you and your relationship the best.

Thanks Jazzy I do what I can

So Jeff when is the wedding? If you have nothing to hide give it to her and let her check your e-mail. It's really not about the password, it's about trust and protection. Maybe she feels before you two take the relationship to the next level she wants to be sure there are no surprises. Let her satisfy her curiosity and after she realizes you have nothing to hide(You do have nothing to hide don't you?) then she'll lose interest and feel secure. I find that men have a hard time reading women's signals sometimes. Many times we think women want to invade our space and change us. Well don't worry she won't change you, marriage will do that for her. All kidding aside this what you do; one day when you two are away from eachother and she has access to a computer, call her and ask her to check your e-mail. Tell her that your system is down or something and you're expecting an important message. Make up a bogus e-mail name and send a message to yourself. When she opens it maybe have an e-card or an e-kiss or a letter. Make sure the card or letter or whatever is addressed to her and express your love. Hey you kill two birds with one stone and everybody's happy. Isn't that what it's all about anyway, making her happy?

Peace

Radical Faith

Well, Radical the wedding was the day we found the truth. Now it’s a matter of making it public knowledge. We will definitely get to that though. As far as achieving levels of commitment, honestly there are no more levels left to achieve, except the ones we create to dwell in.

I’m afraid I may have misled a few here into thinking there is an “answer”, but as much as I appreciate your input, and truly I do, I don’t feel there is one. It’s like trying to determine why little Billy, who has a perfect childhood, goes and shoots up the school. You can’t quantify it or box it up. Nevertheless, it’s still therapeutic to talk about it.

I think one reason men (or people in general) don’t catch signals, is because they are grossly overused. Intentional signals and implication should never be a substitute for good communication in which both parties clearly understand. If a house caught fire should a person leave little clues around the house, of coarse not. They should probably yell from the top of your lungs FIRE! So if one feels their relationship is on fire then why leave little clues only to wonder why you lost everything to the blaze. Signals are best served as clues for Christmas presents. Outside of that, they serve very little purpose other then starting fires.

The e-card thing is pretty smooth.... :confused: Wait a minute though….what if she thinks somebody was sending it to me... :deal: See, if that happens I hope you're there to tag me out :hammer:

Well, Radical the wedding was the day we found the truth. Now it’s a matter of making it public knowledge. We will definitely get to that though. As far as achieving levels of commitment, honestly there are no more levels left to achieve, except the ones we create to dwell in.

I’m afraid I may have misled a few here into thinking there is an “answer”, but as much as I appreciate your input, and truly I do, I don’t feel there is one. It’s like trying to determine why little Billy, who has a perfect childhood, goes and shoots up the school. You can’t quantify it or box it up. Nevertheless, it’s still therapeutic to talk about it.

I think one reason men (or people in general) don’t catch signals, is because they are grossly overused. Intentional signals and implication should never be a substitute for good communication in which both parties clearly understand. If a house caught fire should a person leave little clues around the house, of coarse not. They should probably yell from the top of your lungs FIRE! So if one feels their relationship is on fire then why leave little clues only to wonder why you lost everything to the blaze. Signals are best served as clues for Christmas presents. Outside of that, they serve very little purpose other then starting fires.

The e-card thing is pretty smooth.... :confused: Wait a minute though….what if she thinks somebody was sending it to me... :deal: See, if that happens I hope you're there to tag me out :hammer:


Hey I said MAKE SURE THE CARD OR LETTER OR WHATEVER IS ADDRESSED TO HER. Maaannn go ahead and marry her!!! That "if it ain't broke don't fix it" excuse only works for so long. Not to be assuming but I know weddings can be expensive. Hey your from "sowf clik" go on Dillion and get yourselves hooked up.(Didn't think I knew about that did you?) Good communication is key but some people you have to drag information out of them. Word of as for sharing all your intimate details, be careful. We have all had that stupid period of our lives. I always say "thats why we call it the past because it has passed". If something in your or her past doesn't and will never affect your situation, leave it where it is. Uh Oh!!! I hear a forum question coming on.

Peace

Radical Faith