today my wife came to my office with me. tacked on my office wall was a valentines day note from a co-worker (the co-worker is a female, its not that kind of party). it was nothing erotic or outlandish. just a note that came with a couple of pieces of candy. so after reading the note my wife is like whats this? and who is ******? i told her just a friend that i clown with while im at work. after discussing it for almost an hour and giving up every deail about this woman i finally told my wife that yes i find her attractive and we flirt with each other but i have never even seen this girl outside of work, and probably never will. then came the quicksand question. if you could would you kiss her? i hesitated and said no. to make a long story longer, the conversation ended with us not agreeing on what the boundaries of cheating are. my definition has always been cheating involves sex. kissing someone, lusting over incredably fine women on the street, talking dirty to women on line cannot hardly be called cheating. i apologize if this ground has been covered but i am curious to know what some of the opinions are about the definition of "cheating"

today my wife came to my office with me. tacked on my office wall was a valentines day note from a co-worker (the co-worker is a female, its not that kind of party). it was nothing erotic or outlandish. just a note that came with a couple of pieces of candy. so after reading the note my wife is like whats this? and who is ******? i told her just a friend that i clown with while im at work. after discussing it for almost an hour and giving up every deail about this woman i finally told my wife that yes i find her attractive and we flirt with each other but i have never even seen this girl outside of work, and probably never will. then came the quicksand question. if you could would you kiss her? i hesitated and said no. to make a long story longer, the conversation ended with us not agreeing on what the boundaries of cheating are. my definition has always been cheating involves sex. kissing someone, lusting over incredably fine women on the street, talking dirty to women on line cannot hardly be called cheating. i apologize if this ground has been covered but i am curious to know what some of the opinions are about the definition of "cheating"


First of all, welcome to the house of love.
then I''d like to know where you came from? because if you call that not cheating, then I'm sure a whole lot of married men would re-locate to where you are (lol) but not really laughing.
kissing, lusting, and talking dirty is not cheating? okay it's a joke right? where's the punch line? cause I sure hope there's one. What happens if you walk in a place where your wife is and she's kissing another man? always remember..."the door swings both ways"

Greetings Brother Zedlove and welcome to Destee.com. :wave:

You've chosen good topic that I'm sure will generate a lot of interest. Yes, we have probably covered the topic here and there, we've so many threads in our community. But it's always good when new members arrive and pose questions to us regardless of whether we've discussed them before or not.

Interestingly, as I read your comments about the scene with your wife, there were so many revealing details in what you wrote that convinced me that you know very well what constitutes "cheating" in a marital or committed relationship. If you reacted as you described when your wife questioned you, you put forth a very weak argument brother.

For example these are telltale signs when you're CAUGHT doing something that probably wouldn't be perceived well by your spouse or significant other:

Who is she? i told her just a friend that i clown with while im at work.

Further discussion led you to reveal that...i finally told my wife that yes i find her attractive and we flirt with each other but i have never even seen this girl outside of work, and probably never will.

The clencher that you call being honest: Would you kiss her? i hesitated and said no.

Have you ever heard of a children's story called "The BIG Lie?" You should read it sometime and then you might have a better understanding why you and your wife don't agree on what constitutes "cheating". I think it would be vewwy smart of you to figure this out and get it right if you want peace in your household! :teach:

Just one sister's o-pinion! :D

Queenie :spinstar:

I don't think it's cheating, but the fact that it hurts your wife (and for good reason) makes it questionable. In my opinion, if you're married, you should not be flirting with anyone. Now, people will say "hey, flirting is innocent and is not chating". What happens if one of the parties is not just flirting, but hoping it will turn into more? Some people are trifflin'. Even though nothing's going on, how do you know this woman is not eye-balling your wife when she comes in. You know, that look like "yeah, you think that's your man". Plus, if your wife was flirting and giggling all day with someone who looked like Tyson Beckford, how would you feel? If you found a card in her purse with candy and it was signed by Tyson, would you feel so secure?

Basically its not cheating if you don't get caught :grin:
Sike naw tho j/k, It all depends on the level of trust you and her have and coming to an agreement on whats cheating and whats not.

Hello and welcome to the Destee family. As a newbie myself, you will find as I did, that there are lots of good people here. Now, to the subject at hand. Sweetie, for most of us, the sceanario you painted does constitute a degree of cheating, simply because it is inappropriate. Did you ever introduce your wife to this woman? Ever spoke of her to your wife before? It is not the way to introduce what is supposed to be a platonic office relationship into your marriage. You will be attracted to other women, some perhaps strongly. How you carry yourself and respect your relationship either in or out of the sight of your wife is your rock. Most men cannot stand the thought of another man stepping to someone they consider theirs, you really don't want to be on the other side do you? If you have something good and solid, don't let an office "distraction" ruin what you've built. Best of luck to you.

Basically its not cheating if you don't get caught :grin:
Sike naw tho j/k, It all depends on the level of trust you and her have and coming to an agreement on whats cheating and whats not.


It all depends on the level of trust?? ...please, let's get real.
I can't see, in no shape, form or fashion, my husband/mate/other half...swaping spit in somebody else's mouth and then come back to do the same with me? ...I rather think not. And if you don't think that's cheating, then that's fine with me. But I feel differently (and of course that's just my opinion) if it did happen, then believe this...it will go futher...eventually.

That's true. First it starts with flirting. Then lunch. Then drinks after work. The touchy feely at work. Then Motel 6. What seems harmless at first can change to something more and more like adultery. Nip it. Even if it doesn't, you're flirting is sending a sign that you are more available than the ring on your finger may suggest.

today my wife came to my office with me. tacked on my office wall was a valentines day note from a co-worker (the co-worker is a female, its not that kind of party). it was nothing erotic or outlandish. just a note that came with a couple of pieces of candy. so after reading the note my wife is like whats this? and who is ******? i told her just a friend that i clown with while im at work. after discussing it for almost an hour and giving up every deail about this woman i finally told my wife that yes i find her attractive and we flirt with each other but i have never even seen this girl outside of work, and probably never will. then came the quicksand question. if you could would you kiss her? i hesitated and said no. to make a long story longer, the conversation ended with us not agreeing on what the boundaries of cheating are. my definition has always been cheating involves sex. kissing someone, lusting over incredably fine women on the street, talking dirty to women on line cannot hardly be called cheating. i apologize if this ground has been covered but i am curious to know what some of the opinions are about the definition of "cheating"


I'm sorry, but YES!!! You will be cheating if you kiss, touch, or talk dirty to another female. All those things lead up to sex.. I mean come on now..lol... You never hear a person say, I cheated on my mate because I tied my shoe..lol...Cheating comes from the lusting, the dirty talking, and the kissing..you can lQQk, but don't feel and you can talk to her but don't taste..ok....lol
This is your wife, you don't want to ever want to give another woman any chance to get between you and your wife. Alot of times, women get kicks from being able to get the attention of a married man, she may not be into you @ all, but the thrill of it is like a high to them. A marraige is blessed by God. The bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing so lust and flirt and talk dirty to your wife and watch the both of you be blessed.
Peace
Nita :heart:

That's true. First it starts with flirting. Then lunch. Then drinks after work. The touchy feely at work. Then Motel 6. What seems harmless at first can change to something more and more like adultery. Nip it. Even if it doesn't, you're flirting is sending a sign that you are more available than the ring on your finger may suggest.

You have said a mouthful...

That's true. First it starts with flirting. Then lunch. Then drinks after work. The touchy feely at work. Then Motel 6. What seems harmless at first can change to something more and more like adultery. Nip it. Even if it doesn't, you're flirting is sending a sign that you are more available than the ring on your finger may suggest.

So true brother. :)

if your wife thinks it's cheating, then it is :grin:

j/k. actually, i agree with Lucky in that It all depends on the level of trust you and her have and coming to an agreement on whats cheating and whats not.

because everyone operates within different parameters.

Main Entry: un•faith•ful
Pronunciation: "&n-'fAth-f&l
Function: adjective
a : not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty: disloyal b : not faithful to marriage vows c: Inaccurate, untrustworthy

Just taking a look at Webster’s definition makes it clear in my mind that any act that might elicit strong feelings of any of the above definitions could be considered cheating. It’s up the couple to determine what exists in the gray areas between obvious instances of cheating and faithfulness. Personally I would say that if I’m doing something I can’t share with my woman then I might need to check myself. Besides what if she comes home and says, “Honey, guess what I did today. I was kissing, lusting over incredibly fine men on the street, and talking dirty to men online” Somehow I don’t think I would like that too much, would you? Maybe it’s not cheating per se, who knows, but I couldn’t find comfort in that fact alone.

I feel you brother, and I'm glad you were able to break down the literal aspects of unfaithfulness. Sometimes it takes the denotation of a word to truly explain what that word actually is in the physical sense.

Main Entry: un•faith•ful
Pronunciation: "&n-'fAth-f&l
Function: adjective
a : not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty: disloyal b : not faithful to marriage vows c: Inaccurate, untrustworthy

Just taking a look at Webster’s definition makes it clear in my mind that any act that might elicit strong feelings of any of the above definitions could be considered cheating. It’s up the couple to determine what exists in the gray areas between obvious instances of cheating and faithfulness. Personally I would say that if I’m doing something I can’t share with my woman then I might need to check myself. Besides what if she comes home and says, “Honey, guess what I did today. I was kissing, lusting over incredibly fine men on the street, and talking dirty to men online” Somehow I don’t think I would like that too much, would you? Maybe it’s not cheating per se, who knows, but I couldn’t find comfort in that fact alone.

Nice response!

Have you read "mentally cheating " by Nevar?? You need to. Cheating is anything that compromise's the integrity of your relationship. Biblically speaking is states that if you think about it mentally, you are already convicted of the deed. You are basically tip-toeing on the playground, debating or not whether to slide......

I have been in this position before. I had a personal trainer at the gym ( a male ) Now THAT is a sticky situation. I am a naturally good natured and friendly person. But first it was " oh we are just joking/clowning around " then it was like "Ok, well his hand is on my thigh because he is showing me how to do this excercise." I am newly engaged, and the flirtiness was getting out of control. I had to pray about that....

today my wife came to my office with me. tacked on my office wall was a valentines day note from a co-worker (the co-worker is a female, its not that kind of party). it was nothing erotic or outlandish. just a note that came with a couple of pieces of candy. so after reading the note my wife is like whats this? and who is ******? i told her just a friend that i clown with while im at work. after discussing it for almost an hour and giving up every deail about this woman i finally told my wife that yes i find her attractive and we flirt with each other but i have never even seen this girl outside of work, and probably never will. then came the quicksand question. if you could would you kiss her? i hesitated and said no. to make a long story longer, the conversation ended with us not agreeing on what the boundaries of cheating are. my definition has always been cheating involves sex. kissing someone, lusting over incredably fine women on the street, talking dirty to women on line cannot hardly be called cheating. i apologize if this ground has been covered but i am curious to know what some of the opinions are about the definition of "cheating"


question.... why?????? months after valentine's day is a generic note from a a coworker hanging on your wall????? i mean that is questionable to me right there... imho women pay attention to small things.

okay... the underlined aforementioned sounds like cheating to me... the verbiage just screams cheating in blinking neon lights... now people are human... of course you willl find other people sexually attractive wanting to do something with that person AND willing to do it at any given moment IS CHEATING....

however... why would your wife ask the answer to an open-ended bombshell like, "would you kiss her?" it was trouble off top...

today my wife came to my office with me. tacked on my office wall was a valentines day note from a co-worker (the co-worker is a female, its not that kind of party). it was nothing erotic or outlandish. just a note that came with a couple of pieces of candy. so after reading the note my wife is like whats this? and who is ******? i told her just a friend that i clown with while im at work. after discussing it for almost an hour and giving up every deail about this woman i finally told my wife that yes i find her attractive and we flirt with each other but i have never even seen this girl outside of work, and probably never will. then came the quicksand question. if you could would you kiss her? i hesitated and said no. to make a long story longer, the conversation ended with us not agreeing on what the boundaries of cheating are. my definition has always been cheating involves sex. kissing someone, lusting over incredably fine women on the street, talking dirty to women on line cannot hardly be called cheating. i apologize if this ground has been covered but i am curious to know what some of the opinions are about the definition of "cheating"


:lol: Dude! Never, never, never, cop to a flirtation to a woman in a jealousy rage! Iz you crazy???? :nono: Thinking Halle Berry is fine and flirting with her as she walks by is not cheating. However, kissing IS! ( I ASSume we are talking the french variety here )

Greetings Brother Zedlove and welcome to Destee.com. :wave:

You've chosen good topic that I'm sure will generate a lot of interest. Yes, we have probably covered the topic here and there, we've so many threads in our community. But it's always good when new members arrive and pose questions to us regardless of whether we've discussed them before or not.

Interestingly, as I read your comments about the scene with your wife, there were so many revealing details in what you wrote that convinced me that you know very well what constitutes "cheating" in a marital or committed relationship. If you reacted as you described when your wife questioned you, you put forth a very weak argument brother.

For example these are telltale signs when you're CAUGHT doing something that probably wouldn't be perceived well by your spouse or significant other:

Who is she?

Further discussion led you to reveal that...

The clencher that you call being honest: Would you kiss her?

Have you ever heard of a children's story called "The BIG Lie?" You should read it sometime and then you might have a better understanding why you and your wife don't agree on what constitutes "cheating". I think it would be vewwy smart of you to figure this out and get it right if you want peace in your household! :teach:

Just one sister's o-pinion! :D

Queenie :spinstar:
I agree..it's amazing how quickly men become child-like when confronted with cheating...

today my wife came to my office with me. tacked on my office wall was a valentines day note from a co-worker (the co-worker is a female, its not that kind of party). it was nothing erotic or outlandish. just a note that came with a couple of pieces of candy. so after reading the note my wife is like whats this? and who is ******? i told her just a friend that i clown with while im at work. after discussing it for almost an hour and giving up every deail about this woman i finally told my wife that yes i find her attractive and we flirt with each other but i have never even seen this girl outside of work, and probably never will. then came the quicksand question. if you could would you kiss her? i hesitated and said no. to make a long story longer, the conversation ended with us not agreeing on what the boundaries of cheating are. my definition has always been cheating involves sex. kissing someone, lusting over incredably fine women on the street, talking dirty to women on line cannot hardly be called cheating. i apologize if this ground has been covered but i am curious to know what some of the opinions are about the definition of "cheating"i just came across this and wanna say this to you my brother..if your wife is coming to your office,take down ANYTHING from another woman that's been sent to you[that way you don't have to be made to feel like you've done something wrong]i've been there.

today my wife came to my office with me. tacked on my office wall was a valentines day note from a co-worker (the co-worker is a female, its not that kind of party). it was nothing erotic or outlandish. just a note that came with a couple of pieces of candy. so after reading the note my wife is like whats this? and who is ******? i told her just a friend that i clown with while im at work. after discussing it for almost an hour and giving up every deail about this woman i finally told my wife that yes i find her attractive and we flirt with each other but i have never even seen this girl outside of work, and probably never will. then came the quicksand question. if you could would you kiss her? i hesitated and said no. to make a long story longer, the conversation ended with us not agreeing on what the boundaries of cheating are. my definition has always been cheating involves sex. kissing someone, lusting over incredably fine women on the street, talking dirty to women on line cannot hardly be called cheating. i apologize if this ground has been covered but i am curious to know what some of the opinions are about the definition of "cheating"

Well, I think you stepped over the line by accepting that card and candy. Was the attraction so strong that you could not have refused them or not had them plastered on your wall? Seems like you were trying hard not to hurt your co-workers feelings........you have feelings for her?...you cannot share your feelings with two women. That is cheating in my book. From your wife's POV: If you flirt, lust, and are attracted to her, what is stopping you from taking it to the next level? The fact that your wife was uneasy about the whole situation should bring your argument to a halt. Oh, the fact that you said "I "hesitated" at the kiss question...QQn...that should be a no-brainer, then again, that's just me. It's tough ignoring someone who flirts with you, just think: Who am I in this marriage for my co-worker or my wife?:sand:

I wonder where is the line drawn when it come to what cheating is ?

If you flirt , you cheating or when you take it a bit more deeper
i believe in any case so many of us have cheated in some way or form
by our actions / feelings / flirting and touching playfully

If you was playing and touching around the office then u was cheating around
if it was out of co-working friendship and nothing more then it was harmless to
a degree but once you revealed that you had this thing for her it open a new book
to cheating which now place you under disrespectful to your mate .

The standard that I use for myself when it comes to cheating is very simple.
If I can't act this way or speak this way in front of my husband or if I have to cover up any of my actions then I consider myself cheating. It is harsh, but my husband is worth that type of discipline.:hearts4:

I wonder where is the line drawn when it come to what cheating is ?


When you defy your mate's wishes. If they state they are uneasy when you flirt, and you persist in doing so; you have cheated...cheated him/her out of the emotional security that an intimate relationship should bring or guarantee.

Peace, Bra. Welcome indeed. I personally think that it's in a woman's nature to be upset that it's in a man's nature to find more than one woman attractive.

1) A woman is pregnant for nine months during which time she cannot be impregnated. A man can do it time and time again (not that he necessarily should).

2) It's dangerous for a woman to conceive after 40. Men keep on tickin' (I understand that to fornicate during pregnancy exposes the child to the same perverse thoughts experienced by the parents).

3) Our Sun maintains numerous planets.

4) Abraham and other highly respected Brothers throughout history maintained numerous wives (responsibly, of course).

5) Women outnumber brothers 13:1

So, not to say that every man should have more than one woman. Some should not. And one should definitely respect his word. If he vowed not to "cheat," then perhaps he shouldn't. But life without flirting, or at least being attracted to another woman, is asking a bit much for most men. It's a natural tendency to primarily attract women, as the Sun attracts the Earth, and then vice versa. Some men have more than enough energy/guidance to impart multiple women. But the fact that the man cares enough about his woman to show constraint should be more than satisfactory.

I just think women feel deep down that it's a man's nature to desire multiple women. That's why they are always on the prowl to find out if it's the case in their situation. Where women might desire to actually be with other men, I think it's likely that the man they are with isn't "doing it for them" like he used to. Whether it be sexually, intellectually, or whatever. Otherwise, I find that most women are quite content with having one man, and just fantasize about others. Where as with the man, he still loves the woman just the same as he always has. It's just natural to desire particular others. For most couples, at some point this is going to make itself evident. After all, it was not until western society that men were expected to have just one wife. So, while we can respect our significant others' desires, they should not get caught up in the lie and expect us to behave as though it's natural. It's not. In many cases we are going against our nature for them. As some are certainly worth it (As I see it).

*edit* There's a difference between just accepting the card vs posting it on the wall in pride. That could certainly be viewed as blatant disrespect and not necessarily "cheating."

*edit* There's a difference between just accepting the card vs posting it on the wall in pride. That could certainly be viewed as blatant disrespect and not necessarily "cheating."

A Valentines Day card and candy? That is a little more than disrespect. There must be something the admiring woman was holding over the man head? Was this guy a sucker, or was he just loving it? With me, you can eat it too, but you can't have your cake:rolleyes:

Honestly, I can't help it, i'm a natural flirt. There is one woman at my job that has made me think about this because I don't know what I would do with her if we were ever alone (and yes, she let me know the feelings are mutual). I love my wife and won't actually cheat but ****, this woman has got to be one of my "3 great ones".

Peace, Bra. Welcome indeed. I personally think that it's in a woman's nature to be upset that it's in a man's nature to find more than one woman attractive.

1) A woman is pregnant for nine months during which time she cannot be impregnated. A man can do it time and time again (not that he necessarily should).

2) It's dangerous for a woman to conceive after 40. Men keep on tickin' (I understand that to fornicate during pregnancy exposes the child to the same perverse thoughts experienced by the parents).

3) Our Sun maintains numerous planets.

4) Abraham and other highly respected Brothers throughout history maintained numerous wives (responsibly, of course).

5) Women outnumber brothers 13:1

So, not to say that every man should have more than one woman. Some should not. And one should definitely respect his word. If he vowed not to "cheat," then perhaps he shouldn't. But life without flirting, or at least being attracted to another woman, is asking a bit much for most men. It's a natural tendency to primarily attract women, as the Sun attracts the Earth, and then vice versa. Some men have more than enough energy/guidance to impart multiple women. But the fact that the man cares enough about his woman to show constraint should be more than satisfactory.

I just think women feel deep down that it's a man's nature to desire multiple women. That's why they are always on the prowl to find out if it's the case in their situation. Where women might desire to actually be with other men, I think it's likely that the man they are with isn't "doing it for them" like he used to. Whether it be sexually, intellectually, or whatever. Otherwise, I find that most women are quite content with having one man, and just fantasize about others. Where as with the man, he still loves the woman just the same as he always has. It's just natural to desire particular others. For most couples, at some point this is going to make itself evident. After all, it was not until western society that men were expected to have just one wife. So, while we can respect our significant others' desires, they should not get caught up in the lie and expect us to behave as though it's natural. It's not. In many cases we are going against our nature for them. As some are certainly worth it (As I see it).

*edit* There's a difference between just accepting the card vs posting it on the wall in pride. That could certainly be viewed as blatant disrespect and not necessarily "cheating."


Oh snap, F. REV whats good!!!

A good rule of thumb is would you be doing,what you're doing,if the significant other was just a whisper away. If the answer is no and you have a tang in your gut,then don't do what is disrespectful to your love.

I wouldn't like it,if the shoe was on the other foot and i try to act accordingly. I try to make my baby a happy camper,by loving her mind,body and soul,so much so that,if the woman burbs. It is me,that she's thinking about. I definitely think about this girl 24/7 and there will be no disrespecting,and i can love other women in a brotherly way,but there can be only one woman,that i love!

Love your woman! Constantly,consistently,and with concern.:kiss2: