I'm a 24 year old wife and mother of one 7 moth old boy. We've been married for a little over a year. The problem is that he seems to be choosing his mother over me. Not to mention all the financial issues we've having (I had difficulty finding a job, so I enrolled in a technical program to train for a skill.. got 9 weeks left)... He said he doesn't think our marriage will last, and he also said he always felt that way.... That there's too much opposition. (His family are the only ones complaining, mainly, his mother). He said he'll wait until I finish school and get a job before making his final decision, but I can tell he really doesn't want to be here. I know he loves me, but he seems to love his mom more. Nothing wrong with loving your parents, but what about his wife and son? Also, I'm not sure I would want to try and make it work. Our whole relationship, it's been me against his mother. She claims that he's not a man, that I'm controlling him, but every decision that was made, he had final say so. But everytime she says jump, he asks How high?............

I just need advice, words of encourgement, Bible verses, Qu'ran verses.. anything to help. Thanks.

Toya

Oops.. this shoud be moved to Relationships... sorry, Sister Destee.....

Toylin:

It isn't necessary for you to move this thread. In the relationship forum you'll get more responses from men (if that is what you want); however, men do come on the sister forum too, this post is proof of that. I don't think divorce is inevidable, but unforunately it takes the love & desire of 2 people to make a marriage last. It appears to me that your husband is afraid of responsibility. It takes a lot to provide for a wife & a child, especially when one person is paying all the bills. A lot of people believe they are ready for this type of responsibility, but when faced with the reality...it is more difficult than they imagined. This can be especially true for someone at a young age...24. If I may ask what type of a father is your husband? Did he tell you about another woman? Have you and his mother ever gotten along? I'm just trying to get a better picture of the situation in order to give you advice.

THis is a tough one to judge because of the bonds between man and wife and bonds between son and mother. One of the Ten Commandments is to Honor thy mother and father but in return that goes the same as a marriage.
Bottom line is if you love him and he loves you the both of you can work this out "remember for better or for worse" was the pledge you made. I myself willwalk through hell and high water for my mother but I also will let it be known to her that My wife and children are the 1st priority in my life. People will always try to come between your bond with him it's your duty to never allow then to break that bond. He is just trying to please 2 women and the problem seems like to me that the 2 of you dont get along that well? No divorce is not inevitable, just rember what pulled you two together and hold on to what you believe in.
"What God Has Put Together.... Let No Man Or Woman Tear Apart" :teach:

If he wants to divorce then I would go ahead and give him what he wants. If you two can get things back together again, you can always remarry.

Toylin:

This can be especially true for someone at a young age...24. If I may ask what type of a father is your husband? Did he tell you about another woman? Have you and his mother ever gotten along? I'm just trying to get a better picture of the situation in order to give you advice.


I'm 24... he just turned 28. He tries to be a good father, but sometimes that selfish streak comes out, and he'll let my son cry instead of playing with him because he's on the phone, or he's too tired from working all day.

No, he hasn't mentioned another woman, but I have my suspicions..... I've caught him in a few lies concerning his female friend.. They grew up together in church.. she recently got our number and started calling him.. everyday. He's lied about talking to her. And seeing her.

His mother.. Whew! There's a special case. I don't think she's liked for since the day she met me. He says that she likes me, she just doesn't like some of the decisions that "we've" (meaning me) have made. She thinks our curent situation is my fault. I made him marry me, I got pregnant on purpose, I'm using him, I made him move to another city far away from home (in good traffic, we live 30-45 minutes away from his parents), I left my parents control our relationship (my parents have helped alot because we couldn't do it all by ousersleves, and his parents refused to do anything)... the list goes on. Basically, I'm this scheming, manipulative Jezebel who's out to ruin her son... that answer your question? We're civil.... She won't let me call her mom, or even by her name.. I'm supposed to call her Mrs. Collins. I AM Mrs. Collins. When I asked her what to call her, she replied, "Oh, the people at church call me Sister Collins....."

If he wants to divorce then I would go ahead and give him what he wants. If you two can get things back together again, you can always remarry.

That's just the thing: When I agreed with him, he told me that I was being negative and why was I changing and acting this way towards him? My mom had already made arrangements to pick me and my son up (she babysits for me) so I could go to school..... We thought he would be at work. He called in because he didn't feel good. When I told him that he didn't have to drop us off, we has like, "Oh, you can't ride in the same car with me anymore?" He wants me to fight him, and I don't have it in me anymore. I've always told him, if you're going to stay, stay. If you're goign to leave, leave. I do not have the patience to deal with this "maybe I will, maybe I won't" attitude........

He is just trying to please 2 women and the problem seems like to me that the 2 of you dont get along that well? No divorce is not inevitable, just rember what pulled you two together and hold on to what you believe in.
"What God Has Put Together.... Let No Man Or Woman Tear Apart" :teach:

We get along fine until those people (his mother, his so-called friends) tell him what I'm thinking and doing (and half of them have never met me)... They told him that he was stupid for marrying me, and one even told him that G-d said we're not meant to be together.

This is a tough situation. It sounds like your husband harbors some resentment towards you....that your finacial struggles are all your fault. It also appears that his mother is feeding into these feelings. I can tell you as a married man that financial struggles are a part of marriage, especially at the beginning. There is no need for either of you to blame the other.

Your husband's mother will always be his mother....so she will always be an influence on him. However your husband does have to decide whether he loves you & the baby enough to support you (mentally & financially). Unfortunately like I said before it takes two people to maintain a relationship. Your husband doesn't seem like he has made a choice to save your marriage.....hopefully he will, before it's too late.

deeply felt and it seem like he pulling away cause of mom
sound like she locking in his mind that he's not a man to handle a wife & child
if he opt to be out theirs not much you can do but as long as he honor thy child
as a father he maybe not sure of his vows once married his wife become first as to
thy Mother here's where the break down come in surely he treasure his mom but he
forgetting to honor thy wife & child as treasures too surely he's man enough to
with hold his ground and it could be he can't handle you and his mom not seeing
eye to eye which makes him fall to the family more so you know that you are a Queen
and a mother do what's best for the child and peace to your mind seek inside him deeper and get what he really feel i wish you both togetherness and goodluck
read LUKE 20 and PSALM 23

I know this is a very hard situation to be in. It's painful to know your relationship is suffering, and you want to fix it, but am unsure on how to. For one thing, if you two are married, once he took you in as his wife, YOU became his FIRST priority. (Read Gen Chapter 2 verses 21-24 and give a copy to his mother...lol) His mother should step back and allow you two to build and strengthen your relationship. She should stop blaming you for things and start loving you because you're her sons wife, and Her daughter. I know what you're going thru is tuff. Keep holding on, even when you want to give up. There were many times I wanted to give up on my husband before waiting so long for him to get his act together. Folks told me I was crazy for waiting so long (over 3 years) for him. If I had'nt waited like I did, I don't believe I would be as strong as I am now. God uses situations (especially those wherehe sees you being a good and faithful servant) to make you strong. Yeah you may cry sometimes and your heart may be filled with pain, but what God has in store for you is worth it all in the end.
I pray things work according to God's will for you toylin. Keep your head up sister, joy is on the way!
Nita
:heart:

I think it's sad if he's letting his mother tear the marriage apart. It's ok to take a mothers advice and words of wisdom, but to a certain point. Sometimes you have to know when to tell a mother to shut up and mind her own business. As far as the financial hardships...that can be worked out. I would never let money split up my marriage...if I were married. The problem seems to be that, it's not you controlling him...it's his momma. I agree, you can't change someone's mind. If he wants to leave it will do more damage to try and make him stay. There are plenty of men tin this world. It may not be the time for the two of you. I think you guys should try to work it out together, both agreeing to try and work it out. If he still sounds like he has doubts and wants to leave....what can you do?

Also, I've learned through my experience being married and now divorced. If you are married to someone who allows other people to get in their ear and head everytime a decision is to be made concerning going-ons in your marriage, then it's hard to combat that. Some people just can't think for themselves.

Well, it's been a couple of days since I posted this... He's still confused, but now he's acting like he wants me to get pregnant again so that he won't have to leave. And, he said he's not ready to get divorced, but we can be separated for a while, and I can have to a key to his place when he moves and come over whenever I feel like it....... ? WTF?

If there are already problems in the relationship, by no means should you have another child. That will not improve the relationship, it will add more stress unto an already strained relationship.

This husband sounds very immature for 28. I have a 19-year old son with better sense.

First of all, marriage is two (a man and a woman). This man still has his umbilical cord attached to his mother and she won't cut it.

I had a fiance whose mother wanted to CONTROL us. She wanted me to give her "money so she could save it for us". (By the way, my mother was the same way).

Whenever in-laws are up in your business, you will have problems.

And IF he is allowing another woman to call the home, there is a high chance that he's "creeping".

This is a serious problem with a lot of black men; they are still attached to Momma. They know that they can always depend on Momma to "have their back".

I've watched marriages break up because of Momma. And from those experiences, I promised that I would not get in my son's marriage. I will always be his mother, but him and a future wife, they are ONE and nobody should be in their business.

I would not get pregnant again by this man. I will continue my education because I foresee that this marriage is not going to last.

Next time, don't ever get with a Momma's boy. I didn't marry my former fiance. Thank God! But when he did marry, his mother still wanted to have a fish hook in him. He rebelled finally and rarely goes t see her. I know there are other reasons for his turning his back on her, but she tend to have control over all the children and their mates.

These are warning signs that you should had noted before you married him. I saw how my fiance had other folks in our business and I said NO.

I would never tell anyone to turn their back on their mother, but grown people need to keep mom out of their business.

HI Toylin

He said he doesn't think our marriage will last, and he also said he always felt that way....

Has his family personally said things while you were present.
I ask this because it's been to my experience to have a mate say his mother said this and that, And when it all bowled down it was actually him that felt this way. He would tell his parents his side of the story, Making sure he was leaving out his actions. This might not help you, but it is something to look into. Swollow your pride sister and talk to his mother. Get her opinion in person of the situation before you deem her as part responsible!

I truly hope that everythings work out for the better for the two of you! We all make bad decisions sometimes but that does'nt mean we can't change and make the experiences work in our behalf.

HI Toylin

He said he doesn't think our marriage will last, and he also said he always felt that way....

Has his family personally said things while you were present.
I ask this because it's been to my experience to have a mate say his mother said this and that, And when it all bowled down it was actually him that felt this way. He would tell his parents his side of the story, Making sure he was leaving out his actions. This might not help you, but it is something to look into. Swollow your pride sister and talk to his mother. Get her opinion in person of the situation before you deem her as part responsible!

I truly hope that everythings work out for the better for the two of you! We all make bad decisions sometimes but that does'nt mean we can't change and make the experiences work in our behalf.


His mother has made some comments around me.. she's never said anything directly to me, but she has said some things in my presence that she could have kept to herself. Other than that, I've overheard conversations between my husband and "friends"..... they don't think very highly of me.

As far as another child goes, I"m certainly not planning on it. But, we had a moment, I was weak.... I gave in.. we made love..... I'm not on any birth control (never got the prescription filled, but it's never been a problem because after our son was born, we were VERY carrful.). He INTENTIONALLY tried to get me pregnant. He's been walking around all day (I feel sick today.. think I'm flu-ish) talking about "Its the baby." Grr.... Should've, could've, would've......

If there are already problems in the relationship, by no means should you have another child. That will not improve the relationship, it will add more stress unto an already strained relationship.

Another child wont solve anything. You two have to work this out before you even think about adding on new additions to your family.

Whenever in-laws are up in your business, you will have problems. This is a serious problem with a lot of black men; they are still attached to Momma. They know that they can always depend on Momma to "have their back". I've watched marriages break up because of Momma. And from those experiences, I promised that I would not get in my son's marriage.

Once again I'd like to point out that this is not an occurance which affects black men more than white men (or men of other races). This is common within many American families. Indeed the hatred of the mother in-law is so common, that it has become a cliche within American society. This is a shame, because when you marry a person....you don't just marry that person, but the entire family. It is a major problem when your potential spouse's family does not approve of you, it can be/should be a deal breaker.

I often find that the ties between mother & son are more intimate when there is no father involved (whether through divorce or abandonment). The mother in this case often substitutes the son for the husband....not in a sexual way, but an emotional one. In these cases the mother sees the daughter in-law as competition for the son's affection & attention....thus the tension in the relationship.

His parents been married for almost 30 years. His father has always been in the hoime. Granted, his father worked alot when he was growing up (still does) and his mother was the dominant parent. But, he's GROWN! He's almost 30! I don't hate my mother-in-law.... I wish she would make more of an effort to get to know me before passing judgement on me. She's supposed to be a Christian, but when i got pregnant, she told my husband to leave me, and just pay his childsupport, and let the state and my family take care of me.

And, it is not my intention to have another child. I'm thinking of swearing off all relations period, but that may cause more problems. I'm not on the Pill, and he acts like a condom is too much trouble. We've been being careful, but he's starting to slip. He's TRYING to get me pregnant. I pointed out that it would be ridiculous to bring another child into this mess, but.... He's not hearing me.

There's no way around it. If you're going to save your marriage you'll have to check his momma. He won't do it so you're going to have to. She's not going anywhere, so she will always have her nose in your business. DO NOT GET PREGNANT again until you know where you stand, and until he shows that he's mature enough to know what he wants. That will take some time because he might change his mind a few months after saying he wants to work it out. Don't have another child with him for a while, just to protect your own interest. That will do you no good to have another child in the middle of HIS confusion. Swear off relations if you can. If you're not on the pill or using condoms, and he wants to get you pregnant...then he will eventually. Take control of this situation with the sex and with his mother. What can it hurt? Force him to make a decision and show her that she has no power to make decisions in your marriage. He's not the only one in this marriage, so he needs to take you and the children into consideration. He can't just do what he wants. Make him decide what he wants and get on with your life. Don't let these people run you.

I hear you...... I should have known that this would happen eventually. I seem to remember and arguement we had back in the beginning.. He told me that if I ever tried to make his choose between his family and me, I'd lose. I told him to go. He refused. A few days later, we had "worked it out." Right. It's always been in th back of my mind, so I know it has probably been in his. I accept it.. It's over. Another child or not, my marriage is over. And I'm not really missing him; I'm missing the family we had. I'm hating myself for not being able to give my son what I had growing up: a loving, 2 parent household.

You know what Toylin, you can't take a man vows for him. He has to want to be there. You can't hold a marriage together by yourself. I also had to adjust to being without the family life, but life goes on. If you're not happy in the marriage, neither will you son. He (your husband) has to work out his issues. He needs to "cut the cord" as one member said and be a man. I mean, you can take advice from relatives and what not, but to let them come between your marriage....that's stupid. He'll regret it. It's shouldn't even be about choosing between you and relatives. All you can do is be you and be a mother to your kids. Nothing more than that. You can't take crap for the sake of living under the same roof. You'll just end up in the same situation 5 years from now.

Thank you, everyone. I've come to the decision that whether or not I want to admit it, my marriage is over. I would rather end it while my son is small and doesn't really understand what's going on.. rather than fight, fuss, bicker and complain for anohter 1,2,5,10 years.. and have my son going "Stop! Enough! I hate you both for dragging me through this!" My priority is my child. And if my husband is smart, he'll realize that his priority is our child.

Well, it's official. I am now separated. As of 1 pm, June 1, 2004.... My husband moved out this morning. Strangely enough, I don't feel anything. If anything, I seem happier than I have been. Maybe my heart is trying to tell me something......... What are my next steps? A lawyer? How does legal aid work, because I"m kinda broke. Maybe y'all should take up a collection for me LOL! Anyway....... I see what kind of person he's being.. he blamed everything on me, and when he left, didn't even tell our son good-bye.

Well, it's official. I am now separated. As of 1 pm, June 1, 2004.... My husband moved out this morning. Strangely enough, I don't feel anything. If anything, I seem happier than I have been. Maybe my heart is trying to tell me something.

This is an indication that you probably made the right decision. Good Luck

I wish you and your son the best Sister Toylin. Your sisters at Destee.com are here for you when and if you need our morale support. Some of us have had the same personal experience and share your emotions. Remember, Sister Chat is a place where we come together each week to talk about issues that we often face as real Black women. So please keep that in mind and press on sister!

Your Sister in the struggle,
Queenie :heart:

Hi Toylin,

Congratulations on making a decision. When he said he would move out and give you the key to his place I was like I know girl friend better have more sense than to go for this. There's something about making a decision that just brings joy and the Bible says the joy of the Lord is our strength. But sitting around waiting for someone else to decide when and if we are going to be happy brings anxiety and a false sense of helplessness. It's false because you do have the power to live your life.

I wish you all the best as well sister..God Bless and Peace

Do you Stay / Do you Leave
Written By: Tia Williams (Duncan) 01/14/04

I just heard someone say…
That they are not happy in their relationship
To admit there is a problem is part one to the solution…
Part two is the decision.
To know that you are not happy is to determine what will make you happy.
Stop and think…is there anything that your mate can do to make you happy…
Be honest with yourself…no one has to know the answer (right now).
Do you really want this person to make you happy???
Are you still in Love with your mate…or are you in love with the fact that you are in a relationship?
Are you staying in the relationship for the sake of the relationship, or because you truly Love your mate?
Are you so set on making the relationship work, that you have forsaken your own personal needs?
When you close your eyes and envision your mate touching you, making Love to you, does it excite you, or does it turn your stomach?
Do you still get the warm feeling you use to get when your mate enters the room?
Are you frustrated that your mate is no longer interested in you, or is it the other way around?
Are you in it for the kids, and is this the example of a loving family you want to set before your kids?
If you are unhappy in your relationship, and your mate no longer makes you happy, do you stay, do you leave?
The answer is simply yes…
Yes you stay if you are willing to accept the fact that you will be unhappy, and began to live accordingly…You can no longer hold your mate responsible for your unhappiness, if you decide to stay!
Yes you leave, if you choose happiness over the mechanics of a relationship, and holding your mate responsible will no longer be an issue, because it is now up to you to find your happiness!
So, when is your mate responsible?
Your mate is responsible if and only if they have lied, then they are responsible for misleading…
The decision to stay or leave is up to you…you have to be responsible for your own actions and decisions…
To make your mate suffer, or feel guilty because of a failed relationship is childish.
You will only harbor anger, and bitterness, and the need for revenge when you decide that you don’t want to take responsibility for your own actions, or you are not willing to accept the fact that your mate no longer want to be a part of your life.
If it don’t fit, don’t force it.
If it don’t fit, fix it.
Decide and live your life accordingly!

If you should happen to read this,
I pray that peace will find its way into your heart, soul and mind, so that all decisions are made prayerfully and peacefully.


Tia

Beautiful by Me...that is a beautiful essay and I welcome you to the discussion forums and hope to feel your presence here more. Thank you for sharing words of wisdom in such an eloquent and peaceful way.

Peace :spinstar:

So, I've survived the first 10 days husbandless..... Well, not truely, because he calls all the time, and I've seen him twice (when he dropped off our son). Are we still in love with each other? I don't think so. The last time i saw him, there wa regret on his face, and determination on mine. Do I miss him? Sure. I'll always care for him. Can we be togther? Maybe down the road a piece, but not now. There's too much animosity and grief there. I know he's having a hard time with his parents, but..... He made his decision, and I made mine. Thank you, everyone, for allof your support during this trying time. I'll keep you all updated. Bless you.

Toya

You rule Toylin!

Don't toy with Toylin :laugh:

So, I've survived the first 10 days husbandless..... Well, not truely, because he calls all the time, and I've seen him twice (when he dropped off our son). Are we still in love with each other? I don't think so. The last time i saw him, there wa regret on his face, and determination on mine. Do I miss him? Sure. I'll always care for him. Can we be togther? Maybe down the road a piece, but not now. There's too much animosity and grief there. I know he's having a hard time with his parents, but..... He made his decision, and I made mine. Thank you, everyone, for allof your support during this trying time. I'll keep you all updated. Bless you.

Toya

Make sure you stay strong sista. There may be a time when you try and convince yourself to go back. From what you have told us you've made the correct decision in leaving. That's the only way he will get it through his head that you are precious and deserve more than he's been giving you. Even then, that may not be enough to go back, but only you will know when that time is. I applaud you for having the courage to take matters into your own hands. Sometimes you have to think about just you and the child's well-being. Can't make everyone else happy if your miserable. What kind of sense would that make?
;)

On June 18, I filed for divorce. I'm only entering the last 2 days of school, plus a career workshop, and my internship starts on Monday, June 28. My son is happier than he's ever been, and I'm maintaining. I'm not in mourning or anything..... In fact, I almost feel relieved. I think this is the best thing for us all. Well, me, my son.. heck, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. :) Anyway, thank you for your prayers, for making dua'a, for chanting, for whatever you all have been doing me for. Whatever it is, it seems to be working!

Toya

I knew you'd be all right, girl! Keep doin' whatcha doin'. Keep breathing. :toast:

I'm a 24 year old wife and mother of one 7 moth old boy. We've been married for a little over a year. The problem is that he seems to be choosing his mother over me. Not to mention all the financial issues we've having (I had difficulty finding a job, so I enrolled in a technical program to train for a skill.. got 9 weeks left)... He said he doesn't think our marriage will last, and he also said he always felt that way.... That there's too much opposition.
Opposition to what?

(His family are the only ones complaining, mainly, his mother). He said he'll wait until I finish school and get a job before making his final decision, but I can tell he really doesn't want to be here.

Did you ask him if he's interested in building a relationship that is based on you helping him to become the best person he can be and also him helping you to become the best person you can be and the two of you...as a unit...as a team...helping your offpsring to become the best person they can be?

I know he loves me, but he seems to love his mom more. Nothing wrong with loving your parents, but what about his wife and son? Also, I'm not sure I would want to try and make it work. Our whole relationship, it's been me against his mother. She claims that he's not a man, that I'm controlling him, but every decision that was made, he had final say so. But everytime she says jump, he asks How high?............

I just need advice, words of encourgement, Bible verses, Qu'ran verses.. anything to help. Thanks.

Toya

I'm a 24 year old wife and mother of one 7 moth old boy. We've been married for a little over a year. The problem is that he seems to be choosing his mother over me. Not to mention all the financial issues we've having (I had difficulty finding a job, so I enrolled in a technical program to train for a skill.. got 9 weeks left)... He said he doesn't think our marriage will last, and he also said he always felt that way.... That there's too much opposition. (His family are the only ones complaining, mainly, his mother). He said he'll wait until I finish school and get a job before making his final decision, but I can tell he really doesn't want to be here. I know he loves me, but he seems to love his mom more. Nothing wrong with loving your parents, but what about his wife and son? Also, I'm not sure I would want to try and make it work. Our whole relationship, it's been me against his mother. She claims that he's not a man, that I'm controlling him, but every decision that was made, he had final say so. But everytime she says jump, he asks How high?............

I just need advice, words of encourgement, Bible verses, Qu'ran verses.. anything to help. Thanks.

ToyaSorry that u are going thru this. I went thru the same thing as you are now when I married my ex-wife. Her mother was horrible and constantly kept her nose in our buisness. I was never good enough and was always compared to other men. I married at 19 by the way. Eventually I got tired of it and confronted my ex-mother-in-law which did no good at all. Sad to say, at 42 my ex-wife still lives with her mother and has no man. The point of all this is, life is short and you must not waste it. Talk to ur husband and if that doesn't produce any results I believe u must do whats good for u. Ask urself this, r you willing to deal with the situation(without change) and if so, how long? Once you answer that 4 urself I'm sure u will know what 2 do.
Good Luck

You guys are late!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She filed for a divorce in 2004. Just read the whole thread.