I'm a 27 year old mother of four. I recently(today 5-20-04) got a divorce from my husband. We were together 10 years. Going thru this divorce was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. One reason being I didn't believe in divorce. We separated over 3 years ago, and I always remained faithful to him even tho we weren't sleeping together, it was hard, but God has been too good to me to turn back to sin.
My husband wasn't supporting our family, our home, or our everyday needs. About 2 years into the separation he had an affair. I just found out about it in September of last year. When I found this out it broke my heart so because I never thought he would ever do this to me. What hurt even more was, a woman slept with him knowing all along he was married....smh
I tried to leave it in the hands of God because there was nothing I could do to control their actions. I tried to tell myself God sees all and THEY will have to answer to HIM one day. Still, I just had to confront her and ask her why? She couldn't say nuthing but yeah I knew he was married, but yall wasn't together at the time. :confused:
Isnt marriage always marriage until death do you part or the judge signs the divorce card?

Where is the respect for marriage?

I would never sleep with a married man
1. because I fear God too much. I couldn't stand to have to lQQk HIM in the face and tell him why I helped to break the bond HE created for man and woman.
2. I've seen a good friend suffer,same situation and now I have gone thru it myself. The pain is so undescribable. I have so much hate for the woman who slept with my husband, but If I had a chance to pay her back by doing what she did to me, I couldn't. I refuse to let someone elses foolish mistakes harden my heart.
3. There are too many single brothers out there to risk going to hell. We need to stop lQQking @ other peoples mates and find that mate for us.
How can you be at peace with yourself knowing you may be helping to tear a family apart? The devil has reeked war on marriages, please don't let him use you to do his evil works.

I guess I learned my values of marriage fom my parents who were wonderful examples. My father is a Baptist minister and my mother a teacher.

I just wonder if any of you out there are trying to teach your children the right values and the morals. Are you being a good exmple. Or are you helping to continue the cycle of immorality?

Whoah.

Sorry to hear about that whole sitaution. He aint a man to have left you with all the responsibilities of four kids after helping you create them so dont feel so bad to be divorced from him. Hopefully part of the settlement was to make him assist you.

You are right to ask the question you did at the end becuase it seems to me black folks wanna punish their kids all day for stuff that they do them self, or at least encourage in a round about way. So many in the community act a fool 6 days a week then call themself a "good christian" for going to church on the 7th day. They look down on people like me who dont participate. If they are gonna hold themself in such a high regard and the kids look at them like they are some sort of god(dess), they better have their act together, living right. Many dont though. Its wrong as hell.

At least YOU seem to be one who leads by example and your kids will turn out better for that.

MrBlak

Unfortunately, I have been the other woman. I was young(er), but that's no excuse. Perhaps that's why there are issues in my marriage now... However, last time I checked, they're still married. Apparently, they have this "arrangement" where they each do their own thing.. The only reaosn they got married in the first place was to take care of the kids.....

Like I said, I don't have any excuses for what I did. I did it, I regretted it immediately, and asked for forgiveness. On Judgement Day, I have to stand before G-d and answer for what I did.

However, many people do feel that if you're separated, you're not really married.. just biding your time for a divorce.

Thanks so much for the reply. Yes I believe the divorce was the right choice to make. He was hurting me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually because he had me questioning my faith and my belief in God. He had me thinking God didn't care about me and my problems because my marriage was falling apart and I was prayin that He fix it. What I didn't understand was God makes no man do anything. He gives us FREEWILL and the option to make our own choices and decisions. It's hard raising my children alone, but I will continue doing what I know is right.

I guess different strokes...for different folks. Well as for me, my thing has always been this: I will go down to the bottom of the boat with you...but I won't stay down there. meaning...I give my all and all, once "ALL" is gone...so am I because to me, ..."when you're dead, you're done" and it's noway I would even think about waiting 3 yrs., 2 yrs., 1 yr. or even 1 month, divorce here I come, because my life do continues.

Unfortunately, I have been the other woman. I was young(er), but that's no excuse. Perhaps that's why there are issues in my marriage now... However, last time I checked, they're still married. Apparently, they have this "arrangement" where they each do their own thing.. The only reaosn they got married in the first place was to take care of the kids.....

Like I said, I don't have any excuses for what I did. I did it, I regretted it immediately, and asked for forgiveness. On Judgement Day, I have to stand before G-d and answer for what I did.

However, many people do feel that if you're separated, you're not really married.. just biding your time for a divorce.
for your honesty.

Many people do feel if you're separated you have the right to lay down with others, but that's NOT true. Marriage just aint serious to some folks...smh
I havn't been with another man since I've met my husband. We were separated over 3 years and there were needs I needed met, but I had made a promise to My Husband and God. I had to put those needs aside for years, and I'm young...shoot...27. I jus couldn't go out like that, so I stayed scrong...lol

I say no !!!! i would not get deep with a married woman because knowing it may
bring more problems and it's out right wrong !! so sorry to here about this and really
i know what you mean i too took mines the way u did and i wasted no time ending it
the right way to move on in life it may have hurt but was for the best sometime
we can't stop what take place but we can control our happiness i wish you well
sistah

I wouldn't anymore because it's a messed up thing to do and I don't want to get shot over some married woman. :uzi:


Seriously though......I'm sorry to hear about all the pain you've been through. I'm sure your a very beautiful woman and it's a shame that he couldn't see how precious you are. Much love Nita.

Brother $$RICH$$
I'm so glad you shared with us. I wish you all the best as well.
:heart:

I say no !!!! i would not get deep with a married woman because knowing it may
bring more problems and it's out right wrong !! so sorry to here about this and really
i know what you mean i too took mines the way u did and i wasted no time ending it
the right way to move on in life it may have hurt but was for the best sometime
we can't stop what take place but we can control our happiness i wish you well
sistah

You're right, it aint worth all the dramma.
Thank you for your kind words. Nita is doing just fine right now, even got a couple brother wanting to take a sister out....Heeeeey!!!!..lolol
God knows how precious I am, I think think he has someone very special in store for me who will know how to truly love this Queen.
:heart:

I wouldn't anymore because it's a messed up thing to do and I don't want to get shot over some married woman. :uzi:


Seriously though......I'm sorry to hear about all the pain you've been through. I'm sure your a very beautiful woman and it's a shame that he couldn't see how precious you are. Much love Nita.

I was once ignorant enough to have an "affair" with an engaged man. i was best friends with his cousin and would visit him all the time. we didn't have sex, but we did enough to where i now feel bad about disrespecting his fiancee. if you had asked me back then, i would have put ALL the responsibility on him since HE CHOSE to cheat on his fiance.

Now - no way, no how would i have an affair with an "attached" man.

it was easy for me back then because i had never been in a serious relationship before. once the tables were turned and there was an other woman in my relationship, my not-so-innocent eyes were opened.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was selfish and inconsiderate when i was younger.

now i'm older. now i'm more experienced. now i feel for all women because i realize that whatever is happening to her can happen to me just as easily.

I was once ignorant enough to have an "affair" with an engaged man. i was best friends with his cousin and would visit him all the time. we didn't have sex, but we did enough to where i now feel bad about disrespecting his fiancee. if you had asked me back then, i would have put ALL the responsibility on him since HE CHOSE to cheat on his fiance.

Now - no way, no how would i have an affair with an "attached" man.

it was easy for me back then because i had never been in a serious relationship before. once the tables were turned and there was an other woman in my relationship, my not-so-innocent eyes were opened.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was selfish and inconsiderate when i was younger.

now i'm older. now i'm more experienced. now i feel for all women because i realize that whatever is happening to her can happen to me just as easily.
wonderful response sistahisis
~I'm sure many of us have made bad choices when we were younger, but the point is you learn from your mistakes and try to make better decisions in the future, thanks so much for this response.~

First I have to say that I am sorry for what you've been through Nita, because I know you have been badly hurt. I believe your husband lost a diamond, whether or not he realizes it at this point is irrelevant. What is important is that you realize your own worth and move on Nita. With time, faith, and trust you will find happiness (whether it be with someone else or yourself).

As far as sleeping with a married man/woman is concerned. From my observations, people are not going respect someone else's marriage. It is up to the married couple to respect their own committment to each other. When a married person loses respect for their wife/husband...outside people are just waiting to take advantage of the situation.

Thanks for your kind words. I do realize my self worth and you're so right, with time and faith MORE happiness will come.
I agree, it is up to those committed to each other to respect their union. If they don't what's the point???
Thanks so much Pan my Brother
:heart:


First I have to say that I am sorry for what you've been through Nita, because I know you have been badly hurt. I believe your husband lost a diamond, whether or not he realizes it at this point is irrelevant. What is important is that you realize your own worth and move on Nita. With time, faith, and trust you will find happiness (whether it be with someone else or yourself).

As far as sleeping with a married man/woman is concerned. From my observations, people are not going respect someone else's marriage. It is up to the married couple to respect their own committment to each other. When a married person loses respect for their wife/husband...outside people are just waiting to take advantage of the situation.

Sorry to hear of all you have went through Nita. Yes, some feel that if a couple is separated, for a certain amount of time, that the marriage is over. In fact in some states after a husband and wife have been separated over a certain length of time, they are considered to be divorced under the terms of divorce law in that state. The same holds true for willful desertion for at least 12 months, in some states this is considered to be, legally, terminating the marriage.
If in this time, one partner wants to divorce, and the other does not, this of course leads to a heart wrenching situation for the spouse who does want to make amends. That must have been a very trying 3 years Nita.

I been having affairs with married folks since I was 13. So I have to say yes I would, however, I tend not to try to mess with men women anymore because I realize it was too expensive to be trying to pimp with the married folks.

I am so sorry Nita. I feel your pain I do but I have to say that I disagree with you. I would have an affair with a married man. He would be the one sinning not me. I would be with him as long as he was taken care of me. I don't think marriage is good anyway because it's like you're lying to God. I don't think I will ever put my hand on that bible saying I will be faithful to one person nor that I will Love and cherish them for the rest of my life. Let's be real how many of our people do we know that has actually had a sucessful relationship with their partner without them having suspicions about the other person? That's crazy yo. I can't say that I will ever be married but I will date a married man. It seems that when they actually get interested in you that they tend to take away from their family like your husband did to you and give it to the person that they cheated with. It's like they treat you like a queen just to get something new. They get tired of the old stuff after a while. While they might still love you they still want something new or young every once and a while. I had one step to me about 2 years ago. I was 15. He wanted to be my sugar daddy. He owned a grovery store and his wife was part owner. I didn't take him up but after I saw what he did for my friend I was like " dang, why didn't I do it when I had a chance?" (then I remembered why, his wife ended up taking the store and the kids) I know that it is very hurting to the family but you're not thinking about that when he whines and dines you with his check. You're worrying about yourself and only yourself. And that's the real deal. It's a risky deal because you never know how the wife will react but sometimes it good enough to take that chance.

Sister watz,
yes it was a very trying 3 years, but God made a way and I thank him so for his grace.
If a man is separated, he still will get no play from me. I have to have some papers because I want to step in that relationship correctly, no if and or buts fabout it, bring it or stay @ home. Thanks for the response sister.

Brother Manasiac,
Dating a married woman has more costs that you will ever know, in this lifetime because if you see nothing wrong with it, it will take the afterlife to truly open your eyes. Thanks for your honesty.

I hope I'm not sounding like I'm preaching. I been hurt, I wish some of you that say you will date a married person can feel the pain that so many families have felt and suffered thru.

sister foxi,
I am replying to your response separatly. It's kinda late now, but I am coming back with some scriptures since someone has misinformed you.
Sister he would be sinning, and YOU would be sinning too. I don't know who told you such lies but I believe that's what's wrong with the world today. The blind leadin the blind so to speak. Sister, it's too many men out here for you to risk your soul for a dinner or a few gifts. Life is good, but the hereafter is what you need to be living for.
I'll return. Peace.


I am so sorry Nita. I feel your pain I do but I have to say that I disagree with you. I would have an affair with a married man. He would be the one sinning not me. I would be with him as long as he was taken care of me. I don't think marriage is good anyway because it's like you're lying to God. I don't think I will ever put my hand on that bible saying I will be faithful to one person nor that I will Love and cherish them for the rest of my life. Let's be real how many of our people do we know that has actually had a sucessful relationship with their partner without them having suspicions about the other person? That's crazy yo. I can't say that I will ever be married but I will date a married man. It seems that when they actually get interested in you that they tend to take away from their family like your husband did to you and give it to the person that they cheated with. It's like they treat you like a queen just to get something new. They get tired of the old stuff after a while. While they might still love you they still want something new or young every once and a while. I had one step to me about 2 years ago. I was 15. He wanted to be my sugar daddy. He owned a grovery store and his wife was part owner. I didn't take him up but after I saw what he did for my friend I was like " dang, why didn't I do it when I had a chance?" (then I remembered why, his wife ended up taking the store and the kids) I know that it is very hurting to the family but you're not thinking about that when he whines and dines you with his check. You're worrying about yourself and only yourself. And that's the real deal. It's a risky deal because you never know how the wife will react but sometimes it good enough to take that chance.

Nitra your trying to say I will have to die in order to understand that Cheating is wrong?

Child Boo. I will kill the chick and her husband before either one of them kill me. Thats real.

And who are you to judge? You god or something? How you know I aint going to heaven?

You should check Matthew 7:1-5

Me Jesus, Allah, Yaweh Ben Yaweh and all other gods and goddess who men and women worship signed a contract granting me full access to heaven so I am gravy train. lol

foxi- you should be more careful about what you say and do when u are young, cuz your wordz and actions will likely come back to haunt you...

i felt like you did when i was younger. it's real easy to put the blame on someone else, but you can't put all the blame on him. what you don't realize is that that man (any attached man u r with) is with you to use you for sex. that's it. he don't want you. if he wanted you, he would get rid of his family for you. all you can do for a married man is be a little girl on his arm and a woman in some motel bedroom. if that's fine with you, alright then. but go into the situation honestly. don't put all the responsibility for wrongdoing on his head.

i'm not judging you b'cuz it's not my place to judge. i was young and selfish once upon a time also. i'm just letting you know that if you are going to mess with attached men, be honest about the whole situation and don't act like you are responsibility free in the situation.

foxi- you should be more careful about what you say and do when u are young, cuz your wordz and actions will likely come back to haunt you...

i felt like you did when i was younger. it's real easy to put the blame on someone else, but you can't put all the blame on him. what you don't realize is that that man (any attached man u r with) is with you to use you for sex. that's it. he don't want you. if he wanted you, he would get rid of his family for you. all you can do for a married man is be a little girl on his arm and a woman in some motel bedroom. if that's fine with you, alright then. but go into the situation honestly. don't put all the responsibility for wrongdoing on his head.

i'm not judging you b'cuz it's not my place to judge. i was young and selfish once upon a time also. i'm just letting you know that if you are going to mess with attached men, be honest about the whole situation and don't act like you are responsibility free in the situation.

I applaud you for this. When I made my mistake with "him", I had some reservations about it, but I gave in, telling myself that if "he" didn't respect his marriage, why should I/ I realize now that I was wrong. The issues in my own marriage had made me realize that sometimes it's beat to say no.

Sister watz,
yes it was a very trying 3 years, but God made a way and I thank him so for his grace.
If a man is separated, he still will get no play from me. I have to have some papers because I want to step in that relationship correctly, no if and or buts fabout it, bring it or stay @ home. Thanks for the response sister.

Brother Manasiac,
Dating a married woman has more costs that you will ever know, in this lifetime because if you see nothing wrong with it, it will take the afterlife to truly open your eyes. Thanks for your honesty.

I hope I'm not sounding like I'm preaching. I been hurt, I wish some of you that say you will date a married person can feel the pain that so many families have felt and suffered thru.


Nita said...I hope I'm not sounding like I'm preaching. I been hurt, I wish some of you that say you will date a married person can feel the pain that so many families have felt and suffered thru.


No Nita...you're not preaching. It's just that you have to realize that this is a cold world we live in and it's all centered around "me" ...getting "my needs" met...regardless of what damage it does to a child's daddy, a husband's wife or even the personal life of the person themselves. This is how it is and then we die. And though sin is pleasureable for a season in life...there is a day of reckoning. Some will deal with this and change the path they are on before they die, while others will die in this immoral state of mind. Thus, we will all stand before God and be judged for the things we did and did not do. I understand your pain, but don't weary yourself over the state of immorality because unfortunately, it will be here long after you are gone. Instead, focus more of your energy towards acquiring spiritual strength for the journey that lays yet ahead of you. You shall reap great rewards in doing this and find peace that passes all understanding. :heart:

Many blessings on your house my sistah...

If we sow good and righteous things toward all and strive to live in a way which is pleasing to our Creator according to the principles He has laid out, we will live in peace with wisdom and understanding as our foundation for life...
Galatians 6:9
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.


Life is a highway. In driving to your destination, rules of the highway must be obeyed or else there will be disasterous consequences...every time. Road signs must be obeyed, traffic lights must direct you. If we drive wrecklessly somebody's gonna get hurt...even so this is the case in life. We can make up our own rules, but in the end only God's rules will stand.

Galatians 6:7
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

Manasiac,
You said yes you would cheat with a married woman because you been doing it for years. I said

Nita
Brother Manasiac,
Dating a married woman has more costs that you will ever know, in this lifetime because if you see nothing wrong with it, it will take the afterlife to truly open your eyes. Thanks for your honesty.

Meaning that if you see nothing wrong with dating a married person now in this lifetime,then in your time of judgement I am sure you will see different, not because I think I'm God, not because I'm trying to judge you but because you are my brother. I don't want you to continue to risk your soul. You need to read Proberbs 6:32. I don't know if you will make it to heaven, only God knows that by how we live our lives everyday. I'm just puttin the word out there so you will know.

Peace Brother Man




Nitra your trying to say I will have to die in order to understand that Cheating is wrong?

Child Boo. I will kill the chick and her husband before either one of them kill me. Thats real.

And who are you to judge? You god or something? How you know I aint going to heaven?

You should check Matthew 7:1-5

Me Jesus, Allah, Yaweh Ben Yaweh and all other gods and goddess who men and women worship signed a contract granting me full access to heaven so I am gravy train. lol

You believe what you want to believe, I do not think try to judge someone. I cannot help if your man was cheating on you and you are upset that others do it. I think most of your responses to me and foxi were out of disbelief and anger, and not out of reason. The imposition of your religious views thru your replies is not condusive for growth. Everyone is not Christian nor dor they take part of your faith, and replies thru the Christian vernacular are not helpful to those who are not apart of your religion.

I thought Ya boy Jesus said he who has no sin let him cast the first stone.

I am pretty sure you cannot cast no stones on me.

sistahisis,
Thank you once again for your honest responses, I really appreciate it. I get joy when we share our mistakes in order to help our fellow man. More should be like you sister. :thanks:
Peace and Many Blessings
Nita

foxi- you should be more careful about what you say and do when u are young, cuz your wordz and actions will likely come back to haunt you...

i felt like you did when i was younger. it's real easy to put the blame on someone else, but you can't put all the blame on him. what you don't realize is that that man (any attached man u r with) is with you to use you for sex. that's it. he don't want you. if he wanted you, he would get rid of his family for you. all you can do for a married man is be a little girl on his arm and a woman in some motel bedroom. if that's fine with you, alright then. but go into the situation honestly. don't put all the responsibility for wrongdoing on his head.

i'm not judging you b'cuz it's not my place to judge. i was young and selfish once upon a time also. i'm just letting you know that if you are going to mess with attached men, be honest about the whole situation and don't act like you are responsibility free in the situation.

Somehow you're still missing the TRUE point of all this....smh. Yes I was angry because my husband cheated, what you seem be missing is, I can't control him or anyone for that matter. I'm angry because of how this world is. I'm angry because we do things everyday that we know are not pleasing to God. I just can't understand it.
My husband and this other woman helped me to find a strength God had placed deep inside me, to be honest I really thank them, but my goal is not to take it out on you or foxi or anyone for that matter. Instead I want to try to help people. Did you even read the scripture I posted????? because that was my point.
Sister Joyce said it all in her response. There is no need me getting upset because the world is the way it is, I tend to do that. I can only be responsible in my own actions.

Read Proverbs 12:15,14:15(read it all if possible) I have more but I'm late for work Peace

You believe what you want to believe, I do not think try to judge someone. I cannot help if your man was cheating on you and you are upset that others do it. I think most of your responses to me and foxi were out of disbelief and anger, and not out of reason. The imposition of your religious views thru your replies is not condusive for growth. Everyone is not Christian nor dor they take part of your faith, and replies thru the Christian vernacular are not helpful to those who are not apart of your religion.

I thought Ya boy Jesus said he who has no sin let him cast the first stone.

I am pretty sure you cannot cast no stones on me.

I applaud you for this. When I made my mistake with "him", I had some reservations about it, but I gave in, telling myself that if "he" didn't respect his marriage, why should I/ I realize now that I was wrong. The issues in my own marriage had made me realize that sometimes it's beat to say no.
toylin,
Thank you and I applaud you for your honesty as well. I've been reading your posts and I pray God's will be done in your life, my life and all our lives. Thank you sister :grouphug:

Amen!!!!!!
:grouphug: :)

Nita said...I hope I'm not sounding like I'm preaching. I been hurt, I wish some of you that say you will date a married person can feel the pain that so many families have felt and suffered thru.


No Nita...you're not preaching. It's just that you have to realize that this is a cold world we live in and it's all centered around "me" ...getting "my needs" met...regardless of what damage it does to a child's daddy, a husband's wife or even the personal life of the person themselves. This is how it is and then we die. And though sin is pleasureable for a season in life...there is a day of reckoning. Some will deal with this and change the path they are on before they die, while others will die in this immoral state of mind. Thus, we will all stand before God and be judged for the things we did and did not do. I understand your pain, but don't weary yourself over the state of immorality because unfortunately, it will be here long after you are gone. Instead, focus more of your energy towards acquiring spiritual strength for the journey that lays yet ahead of you. You shall reap great rewards in doing this and find peace that passes all understanding. :heart:

Many blessings on your house my sistah...

If we sow good and righteous things toward all and strive to live in a way which is pleasing to our Creator according to the principles He has laid out, we will live in peace with wisdom and understanding as our foundation for life...
Galatians 6:9
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.


Life is a highway. In driving to your destination, rules of the highway must be obeyed or else there will be disasterous consequences...every time. Road signs must be obeyed, traffic lights must direct you. If we drive wrecklessly somebody's gonna get hurt...even so this is the case in life. We can make up our own rules, but in the end only God's rules will stand.

Galatians 6:7
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

i have had relations with married women in the past when i was a lot younger, but awhile back i realized the errors in my actions. what goes around comes back around with more juice then before. this is a lesson that most of us have to learn the hard way in one facet or another. i would not down another person for doing this though, as God in the bible places no added weight on the individual 10 commandments, all sins are bad, it is this country that adds weights on sins. hopefully people that now say they would do this eventually see the light, because it is as wrong as murder...
one love
khasm

I'm reading some of the craziest post. Dating a married man because he takes you out to eat. Nevermind the bullet that his wife might put in your head right. I can see if you said "well, I have feelings for him and I love him and I want to marry him", but "you don't think about it when he's spending that check"..OMG. You can get a single fool to do that. Why chance getting beat-down or shot over someone's left-overs. And don't think a woman won't shoot you over her husband. I've seen it happen, as some of you might have seen similar things. I guess it's all about if you want to take that chance though. You never know what a person is thinking. Also, letting someone use you because they need something different from their mate is not a good thing no matter what little trinckets you might get from him.

True Khasm....it will come back. I think that's what made me stop doing it too. The fact that one day I might be on cloud nine and then.....BOOM......find out my wife or girlfriend is creeping. Who will I blame then? :help: Plus, when you really think about it. You're putting your hand in destroying something that two people who supposedly love eachothr are trying to build. It may seem fun and cool to tell your friends about, but in the end you're nothing but a side dish.

foxi- you should be more careful about what you say and do when u are young, cuz your wordz and actions will likely come back to haunt you...

i felt like you did when i was younger. it's real easy to put the blame on someone else, but you can't put all the blame on him. what you don't realize is that that man (any attached man u r with) is with you to use you for sex. that's it. he don't want you. if he wanted you, he would get rid of his family for you. all you can do for a married man is be a little girl on his arm and a woman in some motel bedroom. if that's fine with you, alright then. but go into the situation honestly. don't put all the responsibility for wrongdoing on his head.

i'm not judging you b'cuz it's not my place to judge. i was young and selfish once upon a time also. i'm just letting you know that if you are going to mess with attached men, be honest about the whole situation and don't act like you are responsibility free in the situation.


I just had to respond to this. I'm not having sex with anyone. I just said that I would go with a married man. And if he wants to use me for that then that's cool cause I'm not looking for a committed relationship anyway. At this point in my life I'm not looking to settle down. I'm looking to have some fun. I'm not saying that I'm buck while or anything but I do like to get out there. I will take a man for all he is worth because he is like you were saying "just trying to get in my drawz". I let a man know from the start what I'm about. If he's going to be using me then I might as well use him. It's just like that for me. I don't go into a relationship lying saying I'm just going to be with him and most times I don't even ask him if he's going to be with me. And if these words hunt me then so be it. I just want a man to take care of me and play with their mind like so many of them are doing to our black woman anyway. I'm just being real and open. I will play with a man until I get what I want and leave them sticking str8 up in attention when I get what I want. But no, a man still gets none from me. I'm a user not an abuser. That's just how it is.

I'm reading some of the craziest post. Dating a married man because he takes you out to eat. Nevermind the bullet that his wife might put in your head right. I can see if you said "well, I have feelings for him and I love him and I want to marry him", but "you don't think about it when he's spending that check"..OMG. You can get a single fool to do that. Why chance getting beat-down or shot over someone's left-overs. And don't think a woman won't shoot you over her husband. I've seen it happen, as some of you might have seen similar things. I guess it's all about if you want to take that chance though. You never know what a person is thinking. Also, letting someone use you because they need something different from their mate is not a good thing no matter what little trinckets you might get from him.

True Khasm....it will come back. I think that's what made me stop doing it too. The fact that one day I might be on cloud nine and then.....BOOM......find out my wife or girlfriend is creeping. Who will I blame then? :help: Plus, when you really think about it. You're putting your hand in destroying something that two people who supposedly love eachothr are trying to build. It may seem fun and cool to tell your friends about, but in the end you're nothing but a side dish.

I have to be real with you. You say, "that we are distroying something that two people who supposedly love each other are trying to build". Well, in most cases a man will approach a woman before a woman will approach him. There is a post here about this. Thus, I am not distroying anything. He chose to go outside of his marriage and be with me. He chose to put his pay check on a little tinder ronie. I mean, it's not like I would go up to a man and say, "Look, I want you and I don't care if you're married or not I'm going to get with you." I gave you a prime example of the incident when I was 15. Where the guy wanted to be my sugar daddy. That was his doing not mine's. And I will leave a man before I have to deal with drama from his lady. A bullet will never find my head. If I get one call from his wife saying, "Um, excuse me did you just call here?" I will be d@mn if I go word for word with her. I will just hang up and drop all relations with him and her. I don't have time for that drama. Life is too hard for the cracks. And as for a single man giving you what a married man can. I beg to differ. A single man will take you out to dinner sure enough but a married man will give you that and much more. He will and may be older than me so he will give me jewlry and candies, and he will take from his wife just to give to me. There is much difference between the two. A single man probably has plenty of people he's buying for. (i.e Thas why he's single). A married man has a wife and another woman. That's two women. He will probably take from one to give to the other. You don't have to worry about drama of watching your back with him because he will probably take you some place way away from his wife. If you are will a single guy. In most cases it is always risky. I was with a guy last year, I got to fighting because I was caught with a guy and his girlfriend saw us together. (i.e I didn't know anything about her) He was telling me that he lonely and all this other bull crap about being with only me. At least with a married man you already know the situation about his drama. He will be up front with you. You can even give him advice on how to handle her. That's another plus, you can have other guys and he won't be mad with you at all. Where as, a single guy who has been cheating way more than you will want to beat you down just because he caught you with another guy. That wouldn't be my situation because like I said I go into a relationship truthful from the start but it has happened that is why I learned to be truthful from the start. I just have different saying about everything and these saying got me a hundred dollars in my pocket today from two different men. I'm 17 but I date older men so I got it like that.

i have had relations with married women in the past when i was a lot younger, but awhile back i realized the errors in my actions. what goes around comes back around with more juice then before. this is a lesson that most of us have to learn the hard way in one facet or another. i would not down another person for doing this though, as God in the bible places no added weight on the individual 10 commandments, all sins are bad, it is this country that adds weights on sins. hopefully people that now say they would do this eventually see the light, because it is as wrong as murder...
one love
khasm
Khasm thank you, you are so right. My intentions never were not to judge or down anyone. In God's eye no sin is greater than the other and I am very glad you made that point. You're have blessed me today brother, you all have.
Nita
:heart:

foxi you are young and you are generalizing men...
your wordz in that last post remind me of some of the stunts i used to get up with in high school and in college...i'm not calling you a stunt so don't twist my wordz...i hope that in the future, life educates you better and improves upon what you have seen and experienced thus far in life...do what you gotta do sis, i feel ya...
one love
khasm

I just had to respond to this. I'm not having sex with anyone. I just said that I would go with a married man. And if he wants to use me for that then that's cool cause I'm not looking for a committed relationship anyway. At this point in my life I'm not looking to settle down. I'm looking to have some fun. I'm not saying that I'm buck while or anything but I do like to get out there. I will take a man for all he is worth because he is like you were saying "just trying to get in my drawz". I let a man know from the start what I'm about. If he's going to be using me then I might as well use him. ...At least with a married man you already know the situation about his drama. He will be up front with you. That's another plus, you can have other guys and he won't be mad with you at all. Where as, a single guy who has been cheating way more than you will want to beat you down just because he caught you with another guy...I just have different saying about everything and these saying got me a hundred dollars in my pocket today from two different men. I'm 17 but I date older men so I got it like that.

You are absolutely correct Khasm13 in your advice to sister Foxi. At the risk of offending Foxi, I will take it a step further. I will say upfront Foxi that I hope you take my words to heart, even if they offend you, because you need to hear them. I have seen numerous post from you, and your beliefs towards men: From dating a 24 year old; to becoming involved with strippers; to the above statements. You are making some very bad choices in men, which will cause you serious problems in the future if they continue.

Foxi I know that you feel you're very mature for you age; however, quite frankly the comments you make towards men does not reflect maturity...it suggest immaturity. It seems to be a great source of pride that you get attention from "older" men....this attention appears to validate your belief that you are mature. However I can tell you that 9 times out of 10, the only reason a man in his mid-20s or older is interested in a teenager is because he believes she is easy & naive. You validate this opinion by assuming that you can "play" a man, you also validate it by accepting money from men. Foxi speaking as a man, I can tell you with great certainty that men do not give money away for nothing. Their intention is to sleep with you, and if they are not currently doing so...they intend to in the immediate future. I also wanted to specifically address a comment you made above:

I will take a man for all he is worth because he is like you were saying "just trying to get in my drawz". I let a man know from the start what I'm about. If he's going to be using me then I might as well use him.

I can tell you Foxi that "playas" love to hear talk like that....it is like putting a target on your head. A 17 year old girl is not going to "play" a grown man...if you think so, you are fooling yourself. A grown man will manipulate you into giving him what he wants, and he will do it in a way, which will make you believe that you are the one in control (hence the manipulation). He will play off your beliefs that you are a "mature" grown women (and we all know what grown women do), he will play off your desire for independence, he will exploit any insecurities that he notices...he can do all of this easily because a 17 year old girl is not on the same level mentally as a grown man.

Foxi I have also heard many women say that they "use" men for sex...well to be blunt...this doesn't happen (many of these women are also now single mothers, with none of the fathers around). A man can use a woman for sex, and in turn a woman can convince herself that she's using a man for sex. However one important fact in these types of situations is that men don't get pregnant!!! When a man gets a woman pregnant that he was just "using".....he walks away! He walks away and leaves you with the responsibilty of raising a child by yourself. Now Foxi I tell you all of this as a man, who is concerned for you. I don't know if you have other men in your life who care enough about you to tell you these things. You may also not choose to believe me...but I tell you all of this as a man...teacher...father!

Brother Pan, that was a beautiful and heartwarming reply you made to Foxi. I really enjoyed reading you.

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:

I think it is too many women in the world to kill a man over a woman. The only women I kill for are my relatives, I would never get that upset with a woman, if she cheats on me with another man, that usually means I am cheatin on her already.

I think killing a man over a woman is lame, and any man that does so should be killed himself. Instead of checkin me, you need to check your wife that is given up the P.

Just an opinion.

Khasm and Panafrica...
your replies coming from men my black brothers
i really enjoyed reading them...

foxi my young sister becareful
its a dangerous game...and trust me if she calls you
you can drop any relations you have...the drama may or may not
but 9 times out of 10 that woman will confront you about her husband
not gonna judge you ot trying..just becareful..but i myself have never mess with a married man...never even thought about it just to crazy and dangerous..i have been approach my some crazy stupid married men..but thas not my style..so to me its a joke when they need to be taken care of home!!!!

Nita Mae great topic sis....

Peace
Angel

FOXI- why not skip all the possible drama and find a man whose woman accepts polygamy. that way you can have the best of both worlds: a man with a commitment and a man who has time/money to spend on you without worrying about the extra stress of sneaking around.

once again, i might not agree with your lifestlye, but if you are going to live it, try to live as safe as possible.

Wonderful response.

I myself was unsure how to address sister foxi without offending her, but sometimes you have to just put the truth out there and pray that your true intention, which is to help is understood and taken as just that and brother Pan you did it well. Thank you :)

Sister foxi,
I'm always troubled when I see our youth misguided and miseducated on life especially when they are so young and havn't even brushed the surface on LIFE yet. Several things you said took me back.

(foxi)
I would have an affair with a married man. He would be the one sinning not me.

(nita)
Why @ your age you think it's ok to mess with a married man I may never know. You are sinning too sister. Exodus 20:14 says thou shalt not commit adultery. If you read the 17th verse in that same chapter is says Thou shalt not covet (want what belongs to another) thy neighbour's house, wife, servants, on nor @ss, nor anything that is thy neighbour's.

For those that think neighbor is just the person next door to you, Webster's New Dictionary of The English Language defines neighbor as living or located near another, and FELLOWMAN.
Not only that foxi, premarital sex is a sin. I myself was guilty of it in my past and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Please read Genesis chapter 34: 1-34.

(foxi)
I don't think marriage is good anyway because it's like you're lying to God.

(nita)
Proverbs 18:22 says
He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

If God sees marriage as good, and gives me favor for being married, then it has to be something VERY good and not bad like you say. Just think of the blessing you are going to miss out on. Before all this stuff happened between my husband and I, we were so blessed. I can't tell you how many times God made a way for us, or how many gifts and blessings popped up outta no where. On top of our health and strength, children and family, we were given a new car, a new washing machine and dryer, and one day @ church we got a check that someone had asked to be given to us, from God only knows who for $500. My husband who lost both kidneys got a kidney. Our daughter and I almost died during birth, the nurses were asking me if I had anything I wanted to tell my family, the doctor was in a frenzy from all the blood that was pouring from my body but God stepped in. Blessings, that's what I want...give me favor anyday.

(foxi)
I had one step to me about 2 years ago. I was 15. He wanted to be my sugar daddy. He owned a grovery store and his wife was part owner. I didn't take him up but after I saw what he did for my friend I was like " dang, why didn't I do it when I had a chance?" (then I remembered why, his wife ended up taking the store and the kids) I know that it is very hurting to the family but you're not thinking about that when he whines and dines you with his check. You're worrying about yourself and only yourself. And that's the real deal. It's a risky deal because you never know how the wife will react but sometimes it good enough to take that chance.

(nita)
foxi...smh
If you know this may be hurting a family, why would you continue to do it???
The life and feelings of a human being is much more valuable than a Value meal, or for a steak @ the Sizzler...and a few dollars baby...smh
What benefit to this world are you if all you want to do is gain for yourself?

(foxi)
I will take a man for all he is worth because he is like you were saying "just trying to get in my drawz". I let a man know from the start what I'm about. If he's going to be using me then I might as well use him. It's just like that for me.

(nita)
Brother khasm pretty much covered the generalization of all men in one category. You can't assume all men are the same. That they are just out to play you because that's just not true. There are many good men out there.

Even if a man tries to use you two wrongs don't make anything right, aren't you worth more than some of his check and a dinner? Then I suggest you start expecting more.

Sister you are young, there is so much more to life that you think.
Peace

I have to be real with you. You say, "that we are distroying something that two people who supposedly love each other are trying to build". Well, in most cases a man will approach a woman before a woman will approach him. There is a post here about this. Thus, I am not distroying anything. He chose to go outside of his marriage and be with me. He chose to put his pay check on a little tinder ronie. I mean, it's not like I would go up to a man and say, "Look, I want you and I don't care if you're married or not I'm going to get with you." I gave you a prime example of the incident when I was 15. Where the guy wanted to be my sugar daddy. That was his doing not mine's. And I will leave a man before I have to deal with drama from his lady. A bullet will never find my head. If I get one call from his wife saying, "Um, excuse me did you just call here?" I will be d@mn if I go word for word with her. I will just hang up and drop all relations with him and her. I don't have time for that drama. Life is too hard for the cracks. And as for a single man giving you what a married man can. I beg to differ. A single man will take you out to dinner sure enough but a married man will give you that and much more. He will and may be older than me so he will give me jewlry and candies, and he will take from his wife just to give to me. There is much difference between the two. A single man probably has plenty of people he's buying for. (i.e Thas why he's single). A married man has a wife and another woman. That's two women. He will probably take from one to give to the other. You don't have to worry about drama of watching your back with him because he will probably take you some place way away from his wife. If you are will a single guy. In most cases it is always risky. I was with a guy last year, I got to fighting because I was caught with a guy and his girlfriend saw us together. (i.e I didn't know anything about her) He was telling me that he lonely and all this other bull crap about being with only me. At least with a married man you already know the situation about his drama. He will be up front with you. You can even give him advice on how to handle her. That's another plus, you can have other guys and he won't be mad with you at all. Where as, a single guy who has been cheating way more than you will want to beat you down just because he caught you with another guy. That wouldn't be my situation because like I said I go into a relationship truthful from the start but it has happened that is why I learned to be truthful from the start. I just have different saying about everything and these saying got me a hundred dollars in my pocket today from two different men. I'm 17 but I date older men so I got it like that.


:nuts: :nuts: :nuts: :nuts: :lol: :lol: :lol:

You are in for a rude awakening sista. Be very careful because you can't possibly know everything at 17 years old. No one knows everything, but take into consideration that the people in this forum are older and more experienced in life. From what you said in this post, you are on a dangerous road if you really believe that this is how the game is played. Like panafrica said, no 17 year old girl is going to play a grown man. There is nothing a 17 yr old girl can give a grown man, except the obvious. You can't tell him how to deal with his wife. So don't fool yourself. You can get shot. He doesn't care about you or value you. Just because you hang up on his wife doesn't mean she never followed or saw you two together. There are so many things you have no control over in these situations. All married men don't have money either because, kids, wife, bills all take a little piece here and there.

Khasm and Panafrica...
your replies coming from men my black brothers
i really enjoyed reading them...

foxi my young sister becareful
its a dangerous game...and trust me if she calls you
you can drop any relations you have...the drama may or may not
but 9 times out of 10 that woman will confront you about her husband
not gonna judge you ot trying..just becareful..but i myself have never mess with a married man...never even thought about it just to crazy and dangerous..i have been approach my some crazy stupid married men..but thas not my style..so to me its a joke when they need to be taken care of home!!!!

Nita Mae great topic sis....

Peace
Angel

Wonderful response!!
Thank you :)

Being that so many people disagree with my responses. This will probably be my last one on this topic.( Naaww, I'm having too much of a good time giving off my philosophy)

First off, I want to give my drawz to a special person (i.e it probably won't be anytime soon). The men that I date know this. Like I said, I go into a relationship with all my beliefs and dirty on the table. I don't hold anything back from the people I talk to. I guess, they see this as a challenge. They know I don't want to give up my drawz but I guess they think the wining and dining will some how throw out my beliefs and make me WANT to give up my drawz. I really don't know, but I take all that they give me PROUDLY.

In most cases, I talk to my LORD and I tell and confess to him my feelings and doubts about a person before I actually react on the gifts and glamour they offer and he guides my perfectly. He is my savior and only he can judge me. I don't see what I'm doing as a sin. They might be my neighbor's property but I don't WANT these men, they want ME. I just take what they give me.

For all of you that said "a 17 yr old girl can't play a grown man", when did I ever say I was playing them? You took my statements sooooooo wrong! A playa uses WITHOUT letting his/ her dirt out the bag. I let my dirt out the bag from the first beginning and I am not afraid to voice my oppinions. A playa hurts people in the end. I don't hurt them because they know I don't LOVE them nor do I put myself on front street by telling them I do. I don't write letters to a man telling them "I don't want you anymore, I am thru" I tell him to his face because I think that is the only way to do it. If this is a playa then so be it. They sill gets none from me.

I know that one day all this will catch up with me because one of these men will get too attached and want me to be HIS but I will still want to do what I do but until that day I will continue doing what I am doing. The comments that you all gave me made me rethink myself a lot because you are like you said way older than me and have experience life more than me. That's why I have decided that I am going to think about every person I choose to date carefully.


:heart:
Foxi

P.S
I am not immature. You can not judge a person because of their philsophy on one subject. I mean, you just don't agree with it. I'm still not immature. There are a lot of people that live life the way I do but I'm the only one that is woman enough to voice my oppinons on it. That's just like saying a person is dumb because they are not as good as others in math. That's stupid. I still excell :teach: academically and mentally. And for someone to say that I am immature is certainly out their jurisdiction. But I still luv ya'll and there are no hard feelings. My love still remains the same. No one has offended me yet.

Unfortunately, I have been the other woman. I was young(er), but that's no excuse. Perhaps that's why there are issues in my marriage now... However, last time I checked, they're still married. Apparently, they have this "arrangement" where they each do their own thing.. The only reaosn they got married in the first place was to take care of the kids.....

Like I said, I don't have any excuses for what I did. I did it, I regretted it immediately, and asked for forgiveness. On Judgement Day, I have to stand before G-d and answer for what I did.

However, many people do feel that if you're separated, you're not really married.. just biding your time for a divorce.

Yeah, been there, done that and with regrets. I loved this married man. We had an affair for five years. I swear he was the greatest lover ever and I would come home during lunchtime to be with him.

I knew there was no future for us and I went into this with my eyes wide open. I felt sorry for him because he gave me the "I don't get no action at home" routine and "I can't stand her!"

I do believe he cared for me. Many people knew of our affair. He had no problems with showing his feelings for me in public.

But I had a wake up call. I fell in love with him, and finally, I accepted the Lord as my Personal Savior. Knowing this was wrong, I had to end it. Which I did for one year and had to have a last round in March 2004.

I still care for him, but it was wrong. I'm not making excuses....wrong is wrong! But God has forgiven me and I've moved on.

I was talking to a friend tonight and we were discussing things and she made me so angry when she brought it up. She tends to bring up people's past all the time and I had to chew her out. I told her that God has forgiven me and the slate is clean. I'm not with the man anymore and have moved on.

God does forgive, so don't think different. There is no one on the face of this earth who hasn't sinned. So what if they didn't sleep with someone's husband? Sin is sin!

My advice to people today is to have your own spouse. Those holidays go by and that married man or woman is not there for you. They have to sneak around. Cannot be seen with you. Cannot spend the night. My former lover only spent a few hours with me. It was all about sex, but he would lie in bed afterwards and cuddle with me. He made me feel like a real woman. And when he left, I would cry.

I know that one day I will have my own husband. God is not cursing me for my sin. I would be cursed had I continued.

Please bear in mind that IF you asked God for forgiveness, He has done so. He has forgotten your sin. It is my goal to be in His favor at all times and it's not easy. But when I stand before Him, if He approves of me, He will accept me into His Home forever.

Being that so many people disagree with my responses. This will probably be my last one on this topic.( Naaww, I'm having too much of a good time giving off my philosophy)

First off, I want to give my drawz to a special person (i.e it probably won't be anytime soon). The men that I date know this. Like I said, I go into a relationship with all my beliefs and dirty on the table. I don't hold anything back from the people I talk to. I guess, they see this as a challenge. They know I don't want to give up my drawz but I guess they think the wining and dining will some how throw out my beliefs and make me WANT to give up my drawz. I really don't know, but I take all that they give me PROUDLY.

In most cases, I talk to my LORD and I tell and confess to him my feelings and doubts about a person before I actually react on the gifts and glamour they offer and he guides my perfectly. He is my savior and only he can judge me. I don't see what I'm doing as a sin. They might be my neighbor's property but I don't WANT these men, they want ME. I just take what they give me.

For all of you that said "a 17 yr old girl can't play a grown man", when did I ever say I was playing them? You took my statements sooooooo wrong! A playa uses WITHOUT letting his/ her dirt out the bag. I let my dirt out the bag from the first beginning and I am not afraid to voice my oppinions. A playa hurts people in the end. I don't hurt them because they know I don't LOVE them nor do I put myself on front street by telling them I do. I don't write letters to a man telling them "I don't want you anymore, I am thru" I tell him to his face because I think that is the only way to do it. If this is a playa then so be it. They sill gets none from me.

I know that one day all this will catch up with me because one of these men will get too attached and want me to be HIS but I will still want to do what I do but until that day I will continue doing what I am doing. The comments that you all gave me made me rethink myself a lot because you are like you said way older than me and have experience life more than me. That's why I have decided that I am going to think about every person I choose to date carefully.


:heart:
Foxi

P.S
I am not immature. You can not judge a person because of their philsophy on one subject. I mean, you just don't agree with it. I'm still not immature. There are a lot of people that live life the way I do but I'm the only one that is woman enough to voice my oppinons on it. That's just like saying a person is dumb because they are not as good as others in math. That's stupid. I still excell :teach: academically and mentally. And for someone to say that I am immature is certainly out their jurisdiction. But I still luv ya'll and there are no hard feelings. My love still remains the same. No one has offended me yet.

Child, you are very immature. And I'm not out of my jurisdiction.

God does not approve of you actions, so don't be deceived. He certainly didn't approve of what I was doing when I was involved with married man. Don't be deceived.

Let me warn you: somebody is going to hurt you if you think you can get away with using them. The same thing that happened to a woman I knew who lost her life at the hands of a man she "played" could very well be your scenario.

If you are 17 years old, you are extremely immature. Why can't you focus on your education right now and stop trying to use men for cheap trinkets? And besides, haven't you heard of STDs? The men do not want to 'hold your lil hands', they want SEX SEX SEX.

I'm going to pray for you because you are in need of it, child. Keep this behavior up and it might mean your very life.

vj57,
thanks for sharing your story and your wisdom, Peace and Blessings.

Sister foxi,
Are you even paying attention and reading the scriptures I posted for you because you just dont seem to get it sis....smh

(foxi)
In most cases, I talk to my LORD and I tell and confess to him my feelings and doubts about a person before I actually react on the gifts and glamour they offer and he guides my perfectly. He is my savior and only he can judge me. I don't see what I'm doing as a sin. They might be my neighbor's property but I don't WANT these men, they want ME. I just take what they give me.

(Nita)
Sister this is why we say your immature because if you knew better, you would know the Lord AINT gonna guide you and help you to sin child....smh
God and sin don't go together...smh If you think that is God guiding you, Imma tell you now..*sounding like Madea* the devil is a liar.

What we don't understand the devil is here to deceive, don't keep falling for his mess. God aint in that, he created man and woman and he blesses the bond of marriage, so why in the world do you think he guiding you in this crap?...still smh

(foxi)
I am not immature. You can not judge a person because of their philsophy on one subject.
Actually,

(Nita)
In order for your words to be Philosophy, you must do critical studies and gather facts and fundamentals on the subject. You clearly have not done that sister because you still ignoring the "WORD"!!!!

No one is calling anyone dumb, however there is a difference between common sense and book sense. Anyone can make good grades if they apply themselves. Don't get me wrong, book sense is good, but it's common sense, the general knowledge of the world, things books can't teach you that is very important and what we are trying to get you to see.

At this point I think we need to get this discussion back on track which is about affairs with people that are married.

Please allow me to also add that I think it's extremely important that respect be given to anyone who expresses an opinion and/or describes themselves in situations relative to the topic. We do not judge the person making the comment. There are ways that we can agree to disagree by keeping the focus of our comments on the issue and not the individual making the comment.

Thank you,
Queenie :spinstar:

Sister NN.

When I started this thread, my hopes were to get feedback from people concerning the issue of having affairs with married people. I must say that most of the responses have been a blessing to me. As you all can see we are now addressing other issues although they are still centered around the topic.. I have to say, it's ok with me because I see threads meant for one subject get off into other stuff all the time.
I never thought this topic would get a response from a teen but it has. Working with youth, I know you get a better results in correctinga situation by addressing issues if possible right there on the spot which is what I did hoping to help sister foxi. In a way I am glad things worked out like it has because this community stepped right in when you could have easily lQQked away or sugar coated the truth. I hope no one gets offended because I don't believe that's anyones intent. Although our responses seem to be taken lightly I thank you all for your honesty and thoughts. :heart:

I'm sorry about that. That was partly my fault for getting off the issue. One last comment though, I just want to think all the people who responded to what I said and it was greatly appreciated. It really made me rethink myself. I talked it over with my mother yesterday after that last post and we had a long discussion on this issue and the comments that were given and said. She agreed with you all. I am using men for the wrong things. Not that she's saying to use them for sex or anything but, you get the point. I prayed over it and I have come to a decision. I decided to fast. That is what I'm fasting. I decided to fast with something that I love to do, using men for money. I'm fasting for 2 months. After I'm done, I will see this that goes.That mean no dates or nothin'. I'm just going to stay at home and proceed with my summer activities. I'll see where this gets me. Like I said, yo thanks for the pep talk and all of your comments helped me in my decision. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: (Hugz and kisses to all of ya'll)

Sister foxi,

I must confess I didn't exspect things to turn in this direction, but I'm glad that it did. I hope you do pray and seek God's purpose for you in this lifetime. Remember to honor and obey your mmmy, keep doing well in school, take your time and enjoy life and you'll be fine.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
:wave:

I'm sorry about that. That was partly my fault for getting off the issue. One last comment though, I just want to think all the people who responded to what I said and it was greatly appreciated. It really made me rethink myself. I talked it over with my mother yesterday after that last post and we had a long discussion on this issue and the comments that were given and said. She agreed with you all. I am using men for the wrong things. Not that she's saying to use them for sex or anything but, you get the point. I prayed over it and I have come to a decision. I decided to fast. That is what I'm fasting. I decided to fast with something that I love to do, using men for money. I'm fasting for 2 months. After I'm done, I will see this that goes.That mean no dates or nothin'. I'm just going to stay at home and proceed with my summer activities. I'll see where this gets me. Like I said, yo thanks for the pep talk and all of your comments helped me in my decision.

This is beautiful Foxi....it takes a lot of maturity to do self-examination. You deserve much credit for this. I wish you nothing but the best, little sister!

Thanks to all for your cooperation and support of each other and this topic.

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:

foxi!!

i just have to let you know that you have impressed me. you are more mature than i was at 17. i'm happy to hear that you have the type of relationship with your mother where you can go to her to talk about these issues. good luck on your "fast." i'll pray for you! peace!

I'm sorry about that. That was partly my fault for getting off the issue. One last comment though, I just want to think all the people who responded to what I said and it was greatly appreciated. It really made me rethink myself. I talked it over with my mother yesterday after that last post and we had a long discussion on this issue and the comments that were given and said. She agreed with you all. I am using men for the wrong things. Not that she's saying to use them for sex or anything but, you get the point. I prayed over it and I have come to a decision. I decided to fast. That is what I'm fasting. I decided to fast with something that I love to do, using men for money. I'm fasting for 2 months. After I'm done, I will see this that goes.That mean no dates or nothin'. I'm just going to stay at home and proceed with my summer activities. I'll see where this gets me. Like I said, yo thanks for the pep talk and all of your comments helped me in my decision. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: (Hugz and kisses to all of ya'll)


Foxi,

I was so touched by your response up above. I admire your maturity, for there are some who choose to remain in their ignorant evil way and be proud about their foolishness at that...I'm talkin' bout grown folks. But you have decided to add wisdom and understanding to your table. I promise you that you will never regret doing so. Your mom should be very proud to have a daughter like you. We have all fallen short of God's expectations, we just have to let Him help us get back on our feet. You have begun this path and should you ever need a friend...Destee's family will always be here for you.

Love Ya Gurl!

~j

~Amen~

You never know why, how, when or where God will bless a situation. Sometimes things have to be out of our definitions of order so that HE can work things out according to HIS order and purpose for our lives.
This is beautiful. :grouphug:

I made no excuse for getting involved with this married man. There's no right reasoning behind this.

But I'm thankful it ended. I had a funny feeling that we would be "caught" by her and the outcome could be deadly.

You hear of spouses executing their spouse and/or spouse's lover. And if it is publicly known (like this woman following her husband to my place and shoots him as he leaves my place), look at the pain my children and relatives would suffer. I can just see other people calling me a "cheap ****", "homewrecker" etc. And how could I hold my head up at work?

What if the angry woman shot me to death?

Now if my former lover has moved on to another chick on the side, he has to suffer any ramifications, and thankfully, I'm not in it. This man was not worth me going to hell.

My involvement with this married men stemmed from thinking that no man could be faithful. I dated guys who swore they didn't have a girlfriend, only to find out different. So I figured if a man told the truth from the beginning, like my former lover, well at least he's being honest. It was up to me to either accept or reject him.

And this was just a game at first. Many people knew that we were having an affair. There was the eye contact, the touching, etc. But he was kind to me, always having something nice to say, and the sex was off the planet!

I have to admit that I still have feelings for him. When you've been involved with someone for over five years, it's hard to forget. I run into him every now and then and we speak, but I know that we had to move on.

Just read in the news about a man killing his ex-wife and her lover while they were having sex. That could had been me and my former lover being murdered by his wife.

Nothing GOOD comes from having affairs with married people. And even if you do break them up and you become his wife, you can believe that the cheating will continue. If he cheated on wife #1, he will do the same to you, wife #2.

So True!!!

Thanks for sharing :;):

Unfortunately, you had to encounter this situation although it seems as though you felt that you and your husband could still reconcile. However, to consider a separation with a man for a length of three years without sleeping with him would leave no doubt in my mind that he would not remain faithful in the separation. He probably felt that his marriage was over and that he could began to move on, even though the divorce wasn't finalized. As females, it can sometimes be easier for us to hold on to something that is right, and to resist temptation. Although I know that this guy doesn't represent all males in his situation, he acted as expected, but not as he should have. Hopefully you've realized that you made a right decision about the termination of your bind to this man. God has someone better in store for you. Just hold on and your reward will be far much greater than anything you've ever received.


[QUOTE=Nita]My husband wasn't supporting our family, our home, or our everyday needs. About 2 years into the separation he had an affair. I just found out about it in September of last year. When I found this out it broke my heart so because I never thought he would ever do this to me. What hurt even more was, a woman slept with him knowing all along he was married....smh
QUOTE]

I know God has something better waiting just for me.

Thank you so much
Nita
:heart:
Unfortunately, you had to encounter this situation although it seems as though you felt that you and your husband could still reconcile. However, to consider a separation with a man for a length of three years without sleeping with him would leave no doubt in my mind that he would not remain faithful in the separation. He probably felt that his marriage was over and that he could began to move on, even though the divorce wasn't finalized. As females, it can sometimes be easier for us to hold on to something that is right, and to resist temptation. Although I know that this guy doesn't represent all males in his situation, he acted as expected, but not as he should have. Hopefully you've realized that you made a right decision about the termination of your bind to this man. God has someone better in store for you. Just hold on and your reward will be far much greater than anything you've ever received.


[QUOTE=Nita]My husband wasn't supporting our family, our home, or our everyday needs. About 2 years into the separation he had an affair. I just found out about it in September of last year. When I found this out it broke my heart so because I never thought he would ever do this to me. What hurt even more was, a woman slept with him knowing all along he was married....smh
QUOTE]

First of all let me say that I wouldn't date a person who is seperated. Yet the whole issue of seperatioin kinda confuses me. To be officially "seperated" to me is like being laid off. If you get laid off, you might as well start looking for another job after so long, because they'll either hire you back to do something you have no passion for, or they'll never call back at all. Maybe one should be optimistic and say, "Well....things will be back like they were, just be patient" but honestly I got laid off from Wal-Mart (yeah I know) like 5 years ago. Now I'm about to graduate college and they still haven't called me back :rolleyes: . Anyway, while I wouldn't say that it was "cheating" after two years of seperation, I still wouldn't do it. Just my humble opinion

Realguyjeff,
:ohmy: How can you even compare a marriage to being laid off from a job??????
:deal: A marriage is a bond created by GOD for man and woman. This is a bond he encourages and blesses. Marriage is a commitment, a pledge till death do you part. Marriage bonds people, :love: it's when two become one and there is nothing confusing about it. :confused: When you get married you give yourself to a person. If you truly love and have given your all to that person, and the bond is broken for whatever reason, it takes away a part of you, and the pain of that I can never describe:cry:. My separation never ever felt like being laid off from a job, for like you said you can look for a new job, but you can never get back the love and commitment you gave to another. :teach: Marriage will alway hold a higher respect with me than a job ever will and this is just my humble opinion.
:peace: Peace

First of all let me say that I wouldn't date a person who is seperated. Yet the whole issue of seperatioin kinda confuses me. To be officially "seperated" to me is like being laid off. If you get laid off, you might as well start looking for another job after so long, because they'll either hire you back to do something you have no passion for, or they'll never call back at all. Maybe one should be optimistic and say, "Well....things will be back like they were, just be patient" but honestly I got laid off from Wal-Mart (yeah I know) like 5 years ago. Now about to graduate college and they still haven't called me back :rolleyes: . Anyway, while I wouldn't say that it was "cheating" after two years of seperation, I still wouldn't do it. Just my humble opinion

Realguyjeff,
:ohmy: How can you even compare a marriage to being laid off from a job??????
:deal: A marriage is a bond created by GOD for man and woman. This is a bond he encourages and blesses. Marriage is a commitment, a pledge till death do you part. Marriage bonds people, :love: it's when two become one and there is nothing confusing about it. :confused: When you get married you give yourself to a person. If you truly love and have given your all to that person, and the bond is broken for whatever reason, it takes away a part of you, and the pain of that I can never describe:cry:. My separation never ever felt like being laid off from a job, for like you said you can look for a new job, but you can never get back the love and commitment you gave to another. :teach: Marriage will alway hold a higher respect with me than a job ever will and this is just my humble opinion.
:peace: Peace

I would never simply compare a job to a marriage, especially not Wal-mart. I would however, use an analogy (correspondence in some respect between things otherwise dissimilar) so that I might be more expressive. No harm in that is there?

I met a man who was very much living the single life. He had his own place, no kids, no apparent girlfriend to be seen for miles. I loved him with all my heart and we had the most perfect relationship. We spent at least 4-5 days a week together during our entire relationship, taking trips, exploring nearby cities and states, and the cultural scene. He was the most wonderful man I'd ever met and we dated for 9 months before disaster struck.

One night we went to a jazz bar to hear some live music. As we were sitting and talking I joked that sometimes he had a married look about him. He laughed it off, and asked how can one look married. I responded that he just DID, he reminded me of some older married men I'd seen around. That conversation took place about two months before he admitted he was indeed married.

One day he called me and told me that he needed to talk to me. I went to his place and he informed me that he was married, that he and his wife had been separated and living in different states for over a year, but that she wanted to move here so that she could see if they could reconcile their marriage. He then told me they had a son together. During his confession I just sat there unable to form any words. I was stunned, heartbroken, and mortified! He actually had the nerve to ask me to continue to see him because he didn't think things would really work out between him and his wife...but I was too **** pissed to even consider being his FRIEND, let alone a chick on the side.

I share this story to remind people that getting involved is not always a CHOICE. I made a choice to discontinue seeing him once I knew the truth, but he never gave me an option to make that decision up front. So in defense of "some" women who are involved with married men, sometimes things get too deep before the truth is relevent...and like most women in love they choose love. I was stong enough to walk away, away from the one I loved the most, but I still feel that pain 13 years down the line.

your story indeed had a twist to it. You said you asked him if he was married in the bar because he "lQQked" married, did that question just come up out of the blue or were there signs that led to you asking this question? Now that the relationship is over do you now see signs you may have missed then, just wondering. This was a wonderful different side to things that you brought before us. I must say that I'm glad you were woman enough to walk away. Relationships are built on trust, if you have to lie to stay in one I feel the whole relationship is a big lie as well.

Thank you...Thank you so much for this :)

I would never simply compare a job to a marriage, especially not Wal-mart. I would however, use an analogy (correspondence in some respect between things otherwise dissimilar) so that I might be more expressive. No harm in that is there?

You compared separation to being laid off. My husband and I were officially separarted but nonetheless we were still married. Yes we lived and had two very different lives but we were still MARRIED. With the exception of some states if you have been separated for a certain length of time you are considered divorced then separation is like being laid off from a job...lol :laugh:

Even though it's over between me and my married lover, there are times when I still want to be with him. But I fight the good fight and avoid it. I just can't go back. I want a love that is real and true. And when it comes down to a husband, he better be MY husband.

We learn from our mistakes, ask God for forgiveness and move on. And I had to deal with the guilt for a long time and thinking how his wife would feel if she ever found out (that is, if she doesn't already know).

Today, married men are off limits to me. For any of them to get in my face is out of line. I will put them in their place immediately. Got some of them on the job and a sharp angry look lets them know to "move on" when they try to flirt.

I met a man who was very much living the single life. He had his own place, no kids, no apparent girlfriend to be seen for miles. I loved him with all my heart and we had the most perfect relationship. We spent at least 4-5 days a week together during our entire relationship, taking trips, exploring nearby cities and states, and the cultural scene. He was the most wonderful man I'd ever met and we dated for 9 months before disaster struck.

One night we went to a jazz bar to hear some live music. As we were sitting and talking I joked that sometimes he had a married look about him. He laughed it off, and asked how can one look married. I responded that he just DID, he reminded me of some older married men I'd seen around. That conversation took place about two months before he admitted he was indeed married.

One day he called me and told me that he needed to talk to me. I went to his place and he informed me that he was married, that he and his wife had been separated and living in different states for over a year, but that she wanted to move here so that she could see if they could reconcile their marriage. He then told me they had a son together. During his confession I just sat there unable to form any words. I was stunned, heartbroken, and mortified! He actually had the nerve to ask me to continue to see him because he didn't think things would really work out between him and his wife...but I was too **** pissed to even consider being his FRIEND, let alone a chick on the side.

I share this story to remind people that getting involved is not always a CHOICE. I made a choice to discontinue seeing him once I knew the truth, but he never gave me an option to make that decision up front. So in defense of "some" women who are involved with married men, sometimes things get too deep before the truth is relevent...and like most women in love they choose love. I was stong enough to walk away, away from the one I loved the most, but I still feel that pain 13 years down the line.

That's very true. I had a similar situation with a female friend of mine that I hadn't seen for years. We met up and started seeing eachother. I knew she had a kid, but one night after having sex she left the room to get something to eat and drink and I rolled over and on top of the headboard was a picture laying face down, I flipped it up (being nosey) and it was her wedding photo. Attached to it was the certificate itself. Turns out the dude was in jail for abusing her and pistol whipping her. He probably found out she was cheating with someone before me. I didn't stop immediately (though I should have) because I tried to tell myself "hey, he's in jail". Plus she kept saying that even when he got out she wouldn't allow him back. I cut it short but she still calls now and again. So that' true that sometimes you don't know what people may be hiding, even if they were once someone you considered a friend. I mean, she's still a friend, but I lost alot of respect for her.

for all the responses.

kente, it's so true, you never know what folks might be hiding from you, I'm in a relationship now that I'm ending because of questionable things that have been going on.

Thanks again guys :spin:

There are so many threads here to read covering so many topics. Most are very interesting but not all of them touch that spot within us that is the central core that makes us who we are. I've read this thread and learned a lot about human nature in general and how each of you, all intelligent, have managed to make choices that forced you to question your values and beliefs. At some point, most of you reached a time in your life, where a light clicked on and you looked at yourself in the mirror and questioned what you were doing. For some compelling reason, you decided to change what you were doing. You became a responsible person.

There's a saying that hindsight is 20/20, but many people are blind when it comes to foresight. Some people are unstable when it comes to values and others are firm like a rock. Some people change as society changes and others hold on to the things that make them true to their own beliefs and convictions. Some people not only ignore the voice without but also that voice within. People who have been there, done that give advice, but sometimes we turn a deaf ear to the warnings. Some of us witness bad things happen but deny that it could happen to us. Some of us make excuses for what we do, and claim we're not like others who do the same thing.

We know that bad things happen to good people, but for some reason, some of us can't seem to stop ourselves from doing "bad" things. When people are in "affairs" they seldom stop to think beyond the two people involved and behave selfishly. They don't look at the character of their partner or that of themselves.

In American society, affairs between married people is frowned upon. It violates marital vows and destroys people and families. But people do it and do it all the time. Why? Why do people do things that they know will turn out badly and hurt so many people? Why do people repeat the cycle of dysfunctional behavior when the outcome is predictable? This question can apply to extramarital affairs, racism and many other aspects of our lives.

Queenie :spinstar: