What can we do to support our brothers?

Well, I'd probably need some time to think about a more concise and on point answer to give to this question, but off the top of my head...I say throught education. Let's educate them through our actions. If there's anything I know that works amongst my brothers/peers it's influence. Most won't respond to a talk about what we as a people need to do but they can see it and slowly make progress into a positive change by watching us be the change we want to see.

As for support, I have trouble finding a universal answer. I treat each brother according to who he is/what he is about individually. Each brother calls for something different.

I feel you. What constitutes support for one can tear another down.

every brother can use a little support but supporting them can be or mean many
different things mentally , the morals and sometime the support of being able to
stand beside them even it can be a more deeper need but support can be of number
of things needed to complete a brother.

Well black men are all individuals, so it's has to be an individual plan of support based on his needs and your abilities.

I think over all we can supportive black men by seeing them as individuals and learning to notice the good from the not so good. And some need to stop believing the worst about black men as a group of men.

Everyone is an individual. I feel that support has many varied meanings. I just hope that so far in my short time here that I've done a little bit to help brothers and if I haven't I hope that I learn to eventually. I love to see brothers doing good.

Yes I like this keep talking

Hi Sister River :wave:

Interesting question you've asked here.

What can we do to support our brothers?

Can you give me a little more insight as to what you mean by the question? What do you mean by "support"?

Queenie :spinstar:

Hi Queenie,

I apologize for not answering sooner. I went to visit my cousins in New York and just got back today.

I realize that's a big question that can be attacked from many different angles. That this is the woman's section of the forum narrows it down just a little.

What are some of the ways in which we deal with brothahs as women? In love relationships, as friends, on the job, in the community? What can we do in those roles to help the brothahs grow as people and affirm themselvels as men? I'm talking actions, attitudes, words. I realize it is still a big question but it may not be such big bite if we all get personal. What can/do I do in my situations with the brothas that I encounter?

I agree with most everyone here. Each man is an individual. I can't necessarily provide the same type of support to my natural brother that I would provide to my platonic friend or a mate. My personality is naturally supportive of people unless I have a reason to feel otherwise. I love to see Black Men doing well almost more than I love to see my sisters doing well. There are so many of our men out here who are intelligent, brilliant even, creative, spiritual and strong, and if we, as black women can't find a way to work with the good ones, being there to listen to their gripes and complaints as well as the good moments, we will lose them. I firmly believe that. To piggyback on that thought, some brothers really need to open up and a let a sister who truly cares about them for the man that they are, or are on the way of becoming. They must trust us.

Sister River, thanks for getting back to my question and I hope you don't think I'm being difficult in addressing your question. But I guess my answer would be that I would need to know what our brothers need in order for me to be able to tell them how I can 'support' them. The word support says to me that someone might want something from me that they feel they need. If I don't know what there needs are then what I give may only be what I think they should have which wouldn't be helpful at all. Do you follow me? Now on a generic level I could tell brothers I support them, but what does that really mean and how do I demonstrate that, especially if it's something that I may not agree with?

If some brothers would respond to your question in this thread, then I could get a better sense as to what they need from me that I can (or cannot) support them with.

Peace,
Queenie :)

As far as females who are not my family members, they can provide support in the following method:

GIVE ME YO MONEY AND JUST SHUT UP.

Joke :-)

Here are some real methods of support that I need from any woman who believes she has the capacity to keep my attention for longer than 5 minutes:

I have to be able to see my weakness in her as my strengths.

She should be straightforward and respectable of my integrity and straightforwardness as well.

She should be an active PLAYA HATA. If she sees that I am doing something that IS ENTIRELY WRONG. SHE NEEDS TO START HATIN. The Rod of Correction is the best one.

She needs to be herself and she needs to convince me that she is firm in her own decision making, I Get sick of you females who always consult other females about decisions that regard me.

Stop taking advice from other women about ME. Those women have never been with me before thus, they have no empirical knowledge of me and their advice is always wrong.

I need a woman who is not afraid of me, I RUN OVER AND ABUSE THE Minds OF WEAK WOMEN.

A woman that knows how to tell me to SHUT UP.

A Woman that is my secret repository of love and support, the person I can take all my problems too and she gives me constructive advice about them and is honest with me when she cannot help.

That is a sample of the support I need from a woman who wants me to be with her. The reason why I request this type of support is because this is what I provide.

So Brother Manasia…you’re looking for a woman like me, right?... :angel: (just kidding)


I think that in the responses, we started to see that if we approach the question, generally, grouping all of our men together, we must break the needs into categories as stated before such as socially, spiritually, etc.

However, I feel that supporting our brothers would essentially be an individual approach, as jazzymoonchild also stated.

In short, I think that the most effective support you can offer a brother in your life is to first create a warm, accepting, and positive environment where genuine interpersonal communication is present. It is vital that he come to terms with his own emotions, strengths and weaknesses, accepting them and allowing them in…not being afraid to let them show, being real…and allowing himself to experience a deep realness which would lead him into inner congruence. From this point, he will then be able to effectively and openly communicate thus allowing those around him to do the same…even within a supportive role.

It’s difficult for most of us to allow ourselves to feel…particularly that someone cares for, accepts us, admires us, and prizes us.

When a person who is loved appreciatively and not possessively, they will bloom and develop into their own unique self. However, it is important that we understand that everyone has their own ideas, purpose, and values and we must be cognizant not to integrate subtle patterns of control, causing the person to become a carbon copy of ourselves instead of the separate, professional, healthy, positive, driven person they have the right to become.

Essentially, support them...allowing them to discover their path through communication...true, interpersonal communication which doesn't really exist between men and women today. Communication is not only key…but it is the beginning...

Here are some real methods of support that I need from any woman who believes she has the capacity to keep my attention for longer than 5 minutes:

I have to be able to see my weakness in her as my strengths.

She should be straightforward and respectable of my integrity and straightforwardness as well.

She should be an active PLAYA HATA. If she sees that I am doing something that IS ENTIRELY WRONG. SHE NEEDS TO START HATIN. The Rod of Correction is the best one.

She needs to be herself and she needs to convince me that she is firm in her own decision making, I Get sick of you females who always consult other females about decisions that regard me.

Stop taking advice from other women about ME. Those women have never been with me before thus, they have no empirical knowledge of me and their advice is always wrong.

I need a woman who is not afraid of me, I RUN OVER AND ABUSE THE Minds OF WEAK WOMEN.

A woman that knows how to tell me to SHUT UP.

A Woman that is my secret repository of love and support, the person I can take all my problems too and she gives me constructive advice about them and is honest with me when she cannot help.

That is a sample of the support I need from a woman who wants me to be with her. The reason why I request this type of support is because this is what I provide.

This is good advice. However, as most of us women can testify, whenever we try to do most of these things, in general, after a man says that this is what he wants, we become the Evil Jezebelles that are out to ball break and emasculate our brothers..........

That said.... I do want to add that perhaps we, as women, need to lear how to listem to what a man is trying to say. I've found that most men will not sit down and tlak about his feelings..... We have to learn how to listen to what is not being said. Is the brother afraid? Is he feeling down? Does he feel like his manhood is being challanged? Brothers go there a lot of there in the White man's world.. Unfortunately, they usually bring it home and drop it at our feet, asking us to fix it. And we don't know how.

Well I think a man who calls you Evil because you are trying to help him needs to see a Dr. He got problems.

be a strong supportive woman and like toylin said- listen. woman tend to complain when their needs are not met or heard. and in doing so, i think many of us forget that it goes both ways.

Well I think a man who calls you Evil because you are trying to help him needs to see a Dr. He got problems.


Uh, huh.. now try telling my soon-to-be ex-husband that.

daroc wrote:

be a strong supportive woman and like toylin said- listen. woman tend to complain when their needs are not met or heard. and in doing so, i think many of us forget that it goes both ways.

I agree that a trait we can all benefit from by learning to do is listen. It's interesting that [most of us] are born with two ears and one mouth, yet we spend more time talking than we do listening. But anyway...I digress...

daroc, when someone tells Black women to "be a strong woman", in your opinion, what exactly does that mean? And, how do YOU describe a woman who is being "supportive"? Exactly what behavior traits does a woman need to exhibit to be considered a "strong and supportive" woman? I would really like to know the brother's perspective on this question (as our Brother Manasiac has offered) because I genuinely want to find out if there are some general qualities that Black men agree with that can apply to ALL Black women who value, appreciate and love Black men.

Sister Rivers, I'm not trying to take over your discussion :) but I think we need to explore it deeper if in fact our Brothers generally feel that Black women may or may not be supportive (enough) of them. If a Black woman wants to know what it is she should or shouldn't do, in most instances relative to Black men in general, what are some of the important attributes she can exhibt that would demonstrate her support?

Just curious...

Queenie :spinstar:

Character Traits of a Strong and Supportive Black Woman:

(This is my Opinion)

1. Roister
2. Analytical
3. Articulate
4. Honest
5. Trustworthy
6. Serious
7. Planner
8. Futurist
9. Civil Servant
10. Herself and not the product of her friends.

Brother Manasiac, if you don't mind, I'd like to embed my responses within your list:

Character Traits of a Strong and Supportive Black Woman:

(This is my Opinion)

1. Roister--I've got a feeling I'm going to learn something new today because I don't know what you mean by this. Educate me, please.

2. Analytical--Analytical in what respect? Do you mean a problem-solver so that she can help to resolve conflict an provide constructive advice when asked?

3. Articulate--Do you mean she should have the ability to speak well and clearly so that you and others will understand what she means?

4. Honest--in the sense that she never lies or hides the truth from you nor shy away from telling you how she truly feels even if it might be something you disagree on?

5. Trustworthy--do you mean in the sense that she does what she says she's going to do and if she can't, she tells you upfront without any prompting from you? Trustworthy in the sense that she can trusted never to shatter your faith in her commitment to you?

6. Serious--not sure what you mean here, but could it have something to do with the fact that she should take you and your feelings seriously and not lightly?

7. Planner--A woman who works side by side with you to plan a future for the two of you? Should she also come with skills and a willingness to contribute what is necessary to achieve what the both of you plan?

8. Futurist--see my comments to "Planner"

9. Civil Servant--For a woman to demonstrate that she supports you, are you implying that she should be a community activist and an unselfish person?

10. Herself and not the product of her friends.--be her own person and not try to be someone others think she should be? Does this allow her room to learn from other's who may be good role models too?

Good list Brother Manasiac!

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:

Elaboration in the short form.

1. Roister - A Woman with Swagger.

2. Analytical - A sharp problem solver and non impulsive decision maker. Also a person who can innovate and create.

3. Articulate - A Clear Communicator of her thoughts, ideas and intentions, wether verbal or written.

4. Honest - A woman who is straightforward but also understands that sometimes the truth is well protected by a bodyguard of lies.

5. Trustworthy - A woman who just dependable when needed the most, and when she falters she at least can tell you that she faltered.

6. Serious - A Woman who is trying to lay the foundation for future generations. She realizes that she is not promised tommorrow so she is serious about matters that are pertinent.

7. Planner - Amem choir on your answer.

8. Futurist - A Person who makes present decisions to determine their future. Alot of plan but some do not plan for the future.

9. Civil Servant - A woman who serves the people, not a selfish person who cares nothing about others.

10. Herself and not the product of her friends. - Your answer got another Amen Choir. Roles Modes do not create clones. Clones are products of your friends not people.

Let me know if Left something out.

So in general support our brothers by being a better woman?

So in general support our brothers by being a better woman?

I like your assessment!

Queenie :spinstar:

Elaboration in the short form.

1. Roister - A Woman with Swagger.

2. Analytical - A sharp problem solver and non impulsive decision maker. Also a person who can innovate and create.

3. Articulate - A Clear Communicator of her thoughts, ideas and intentions, wether verbal or written.

4. Honest - A woman who is straightforward but also understands that sometimes the truth is well protected by a bodyguard of lies.

5. Trustworthy - A woman who just dependable when needed the most, and when she falters she at least can tell you that she faltered.

6. Serious - A Woman who is trying to lay the foundation for future generations. She realizes that she is not promised tommorrow so she is serious about matters that are pertinent.

7. Planner - Amem choir on your answer.

8. Futurist - A Person who makes present decisions to determine their future. Alot of plan but some do not plan for the future.

9. Civil Servant - A woman who serves the people, not a selfish person who cares nothing about others.

10. Herself and not the product of her friends. - Your answer got another Amen Choir. Roles Modes do not create clones. Clones are products of your friends not people.

Let me know if Left something out.

Excellent top 10 list!! Each point, in and of themselves, can be a topic of it's own thread! Sister River, I hope you're reading this. What do you think of Brother Manasiac's list in reference to your question?

Queenie :spinstar:

Roni alot of women are already good women, the problem with these bustaz or whatever you want to call them, have an illusion of what a woman is.

So I think alot of times it is not the woman's fault.

(1) Be better listeners: I'm not saying be someone that follows and does what I say, but someone who doesn't just like hearing herself talk. I have been with women that had an issue with something and when I try to state my position, it goes in one ear and out the other because all they heard was their own voice. Some women think because they bring a problem to attention, that they don't have a hand in creating the problem. Yelling and pointing fingers is not part of working together.

(2) Know that having a good man is just as precious as having a good woman: Some women that I know think they automatically deserve a good man just because they have a vagina. If you are good in your own right then you deserve a good man. Too many women who don't have themselves together mentally, financially or emotionally expect to find a man to fix them.

(3) Have patience: We should all be patient with someone that we love. Things don't just happen. If you have a guy that looses his job, don't ride him until he finds another one. Sometimes you have to work together and be patient. N/A to women who married someone that shows no signs of wanting a job, period. That's your own fault.

(4) Don't expect men to read your mind: If you have a problem, tell him without yelling. Some women get on that trip like "If you don't know then I'mnot gonna tell you" or they say "you know what's wrong". If I knew I wouldn't ask.

Brother Kente, you articulated that so well that I must applaud you. Are the points you make taught in a classroom or somewhere? If not, then where do we learn such admirable qualities? If mothers don't know or don't practice this behavior themselves then how can they teach their daughters or women they might mentor? And this question applies to you too Brother Manasiac.

How do we learn patience in such an impatient society? We're taught to get what we want yesterday and not to wait.

How do we become good listeners instead of talking all the time and closing our ears when we aren't talking?

How do we learn how to communicate openly and respectfully and not expect others to know us when we don't tell them? The adage, "actions speak louder than words" is what we are taught and too many of us think this is all there is to it and nothing more.

The "broken" women who want to find men to "fix" them...well, it's true there are many of us out there like this. Some of us are lost, confused and brokenhearted and aren't getting the help we need to get ourselves better. Oftentimes, we gravitate toward other women like us which only keeps the cycle of dysfunction going. These women come in all shapes and sizes and from different backgrounds, from the unemployed to the gainfully employed. A sick mind is a sick mind. Unfortunately, there will always be those men who prey upon women like this adding salt to an injury. Men who want a different type of women will drop this one like she was the plague. In either case, we have to somehow find the ability to not just want to be different, but be willing to do whatever it takes to learn how to be different.

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:

Hey Queen, honestly, I don't know where one would learn these qualities except from the home. Unfortunately you are right as far as mothers that don't practice this, can't teach it. Too bad it's not taught in a classroom, right. I listed some qualities that I look for in a woman, through my own experiences, so maybe through personal experience, women could learn that these qualities are important ones to most men, I would think. I also try to learn more about myself through experience, as far as how I can be better toward the women that I date or have relationships with. I think if we all take a look at ourselves and start being honest, we'll see why we have the relationship problems that make being with someone so hard.

Hey Queen, honestly, I don't know where one would learn these qualities except from the home. Unfortunately you are right as far as mothers that don't practice this, can't teach it. Too bad it's not taught in a classroom, right. I listed some qualities that I look for in a woman, through my own experiences, so maybe through personal experience, women could learn that these qualities are important ones to most men, I would think.

Some things weren't meant to be taught in a classroom. Lessons about love & life can only be learned through home and through personal experience. Not through reading a book on "How to have a successful Marriage" written by a author who has been divorced 4 times or a book on "How to raise a healthy, well rounded child", written by a author who doesn't have children.

Some things weren't meant to be taught in a classroom. Lessons about love & life can only be learned through home and through personal experience. Not through reading a book on "How to have a successful Marriage" written by a author who has been divorced 4 times or a book on "How to raise a healthy, well rounded child", written by a author who doesn't have children.

Very true pan. Experience is the key. Hey, have you ever heard of Tom Leykis? He's a guy that tells men how to act towards women. He's on radio. He bashes women to no end and tells men not to get married or have children. All kinds of stuff. He says not to spend money on their birthdays, movies, dinner, only try to get laid...basically. Well, you made me think of him with your statement because he's been married 4 times. Ironic huh?

Very true pan. Experience is the key. Hey, have you ever heard of Tom Leykis? He's a guy that tells men how to act towards women. He's on radio. He bashes women to no end and tells men not to get married or have children. All kinds of stuff. He says not to spend money on their birthdays, movies, dinner, only try to get laid...basically. Well, you made me think of him with your statement because he's been married 4 times. Ironic huh?

Before you take someone's advice.....consider the source of the information.

Sometimes women argue that they want to be themselves and not become a person just because a man thinks they should be that way. Some women think when a man tells them what they like, that what the man is asking or expecting is for them to be someone that they aren't, which gives up their independence.

Is it hard for women to be "giving" to a man who asks her to change in ways that would please him? Is it asking too much to behave differently when a potential mate points out what he thinks may be a weakness?

For example, if a man doesn't like it when a woman curses and asks her not to, is he wrong for asking? With this would come an expectation for the woman to change and oftentimes, people don't like it when someone asks them (or expects them) to change. They sometimes feel that it takes away their right to be independent and who they want to be.

Do Black men and Black women need to rethink their views about our expectations of each other when we're a couple? Is changing because someone would like you better if you did, a way to demonstrate support of each other?

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:

The Bible commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for it. I am not motivated to change my ways to win God's love. I am motivated because I know that He already loves me and wants me to be all that He created me to be. Only by His love do I even have the power to change. It's the same with men. I resist any man whose 'tude is like "Well, if you want to be with me you gotta be this and you gotta be that." But when I know he loves me then we can grow together (pamoja).

The Bible also says "Faithful are the wounds of a friend but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful" and "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." The brothahs I have known have been instrumental in helping me see those aspects of my child that I must sacrifice on the alter of maturity. It doesn't always feel good. Sometimes it hurts but I love and respect them more for their faithful wounds than someone who just pats me on the back and affirms me in my errors because he's scared to offend me. Perfect love casts out fear.

Can any of us say I don't need to change. I don't need to grow. I'm perfect the way I am. Then measure someone's love by whether or not they agree with that absurd self-assessment? Women are taught to affirm themselves in whatever enters their minds to do just do it. No need to grow up. Just love yourself and hate anyone who even suggests you're not perfect and need to grow. Consider life's basic principle: that which is not growing is dying.

pan, I definately don't listen to this guy (Tom Leykis) for his advice. I have too many of my own views to be influenced by someone elses.

Queen, I think certain changes are acceptable. If someone asks you to leave all your friends alone then that's a change you should not be willing to do unless you already want to for your own sake. If someone asks you not to smoke cigarettes, well that's something that will benefit both of you. I don't want a woman to try and change me for her own selfish reasons, but if she's trying to make me a better person by asking me to change something that I should'nt be doing anyways, then she obviously must care about me. I can go along with that. I think sometimes people tend to want to mold someone into their ideal mate so that they can feel secure.