Dear Sistahs,

I would like your straight forward honesty on this subject matter. I have been in a discussion with a brotha about an idea he has that he believes will help perserve the black community...

He said: Perhaps we as a people need to re-examine our criteria of what a black male shortage means. Is man sharing such a horrible Idea to even consider, with in the context of mutually agreed party(s)?

Now I won't reveal his name for concern that he may not want to discuss it with the rest of you. If he wants you to know who he is, I'm sure he will come forward.

So I would like to know if you would be willing to share your black man with other man-less sistahs? That way, one black man can father many children and thus perserve the community. Moreover, the sister can be happy that at least she has a black man for a husband and is not alone anymore.

Joyce, Are You Serious???

Yes...I am serious because I believe that the man who presented this idea is serious. At first, I thought he was just joking but we've been in a long drawn out discussion on it...thus I believe he is dead serious. He seems to think polygamy can work in America. Maybe it can. You never know what women are willing to do until you ask. So tell me...What do you think?

Would you be willing to be a black man's concubine or one of his many wives to perserve the strength of the black community?

Thanks for responding and please encourage the other sisters of this board to participate:geek: in this discussion. Thank you

Joyce

!!!!!!!!NOT!!!!!!!!!

I was in the beautyshop last week and I was listening to some women talking about relationships. To my surprise there were a few women who did not mind being in relationships with married men...smh....or sharing a man with another woman...smh still. Some women have such low self worth that they don't care what man they get as long as they get A man. This is sad because I see women sleeping with married men...and there are men who sleep with married women as well...Lord help us....
I personally would never want to share my man. I'm married and about 7 months ago I found out my husband was with another woman. We had been separated for a few months when he started cheating. All together we have been separated for over 3 years. Not once did I ever cheat on him because I knew if I did, I would have to face God with my actions. I never want to hurt God, so I kept true to my marriage, still am true today even though we are still not together. The hurt I felt and still feel I can never descibe. My little world was crushed when I found out there was a woman who slept with my husband. She never considered my feelings, my childrens feelings or God's feelings, marriage is a bond created by God that he and she violated.... Sad thing is she has children of her own and lived with my husband in front of her children..smh...Just lQQk @ the message she's sending to her sons and daughters. We as parents have to be responsible. We need to be examples our children will respect and be proud of.

Our values, morals, and self esteem has gotten so low that no one cares about how relationships were meant to be.....1 Man and 1 Woman.

Also visit the thread by Alkebulantaazar on Destee:

Polygamy options for us?

http://www.destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17562

!!!!!!!!NOT!!!!!!!!!

I was in the beautyshop last week and I was listening to some women talking about relationships. To my surprise there were a few women who did not mind being in relationships with married men...smh....or sharing a man with another woman...smh still. Some women have such low self worth that they don't care what man they get as long as they get A man. This is sad because I see women sleeping with married men...and there are men who sleep with married women as well...Lord help us....
I personally would never want to share my man. I'm married and about 7 months ago I found out my husband was with another woman. We had been separated for a few months when he started cheating. All together we have been separated for over 3 years. Not once did I ever cheat on him because I knew if I did, I would have to face God with my actions. I never want to hurt God, so I kept true to my marriage, still am true today even though we are still not together. The hurt I felt and still feel I can never descibe. My little world was crushed when I found out there was a woman who slept with my husband. She never considered my feelings, my childrens feelings or God's feelings, marriage is a bond created by God that he and she violated.... Sad thing is she has children of her own and lived with my husband in front of her children..smh...Just lQQk @ the message she's sending to her sons and daughters. We as parents have to be responsible. We need to be examples our children will respect and be proud of.

Our values, morals, and self esteem has gotten so low that no one cares about how relationships were meant to be.....1 Man and 1 Woman.

I agree completely with what you've said. I would like to know...if you were single and desiring a husband, would you consider being the wife of a man who already has several wives. Would polygamy be an option for you? Why or why not?

I agree completely with what you've said. I would like to know...if you were single and desiring a husband, would you consider being the wife of a man who already has several wives. Would polygamy be an option for you? Why or why not?

I would not. God gave Adam Eve as a mate. One woman!! He saw that one woman was enough to fill the desires and needs of Adam. Somewhere in the Bible I remember reading where husband and wife are refered to as hands...if man is right, woman is the left. Most of us only have 2 hands, I believe that's all a marriage should consist of...two people...a man and woman. So polygamy would NEVER be an option for me.

I am not prepared to say what I absolutely wouldn't do in this type of situation. Brother Kannte directed us to a very interesting and deep thread that was started a while ago and based on the discussion that took place in this thread, much of which I contributed to, my thinking about polygamy has definitely changed.

My approach to polygamous relationships is not religious-based, but socially benefitting. I also don't think that having a man translates into "owning" him. If someone thinks of a mate as "my man" or "my woman", then I would hope that the basis for the relationship had already been set and agreed to as monogamous before the couple got serious. The same would hold true for any other form of relationship.


Polygamy has nothing to do with infidelity or cheating. It is more than a sexual relationship, and personally, I see a lot of value in such a relationship that extends beyond an individualistic mindset. If you're the jealous female type and can't bear the thought of "sharing your man', then this is not the relationship for you.

I think the brother who commented on the benefits of polygamy in the African American family structure makes a valid point. But it's a concept that will require some tough barriers to break through due to the way we are socialized in western culture.

More and more, we are gravitating toward "my" this and "my" that....and along with that way of thinking and behaving, unity among our people may never be fully achieved in the way that most Black people talk about.

Queenie :spinstar:

I would not. God gave Adam Eve as a mate. One woman!! He saw that one woman was enough to fill the desires and needs of Adam. Somewhere in the Bible I remember reading where husband and wife are refered to as hands...if man is right, woman is the left. Most of us only have 2 hands, I believe that's all a marriage should consist of...two people...a man and woman. So polygamy would NEVER be an option for me.



I hear you Sis...thanks for responding.

I am not prepared to say what I absolutely wouldn't do in this type of situation. Brother Kannte directed us to a very interesting and deep thread that was started a while ago and based on the discussion that took place in this thread, much of which I contributed to, my thinking about polygamy has definitely changed.

My approach to polygamous relationships is not religious-based, but socially benefitting. I also don't think that having a man translates into "owning" him. If someone thinks of a mate as "my man" or "my woman", then I would hope that the basis for the relationship had already been set and agreed to as monogamous before the couple got serious. The same would hold true for any other form of relationship.


Polygamy has nothing to do with infidelity or cheating. It is more than a sexual relationship, and personally, I see a lot of value in such a relationship that extends beyond an individualistic mindset. If you're the jealous female type and can't bear the thought of "sharing your man', then this is not the relationship for you.

I think the brother who commented on the benefits of polygamy in the African American family structure makes a valid point. But it's a concept that will require some tough barriers to break through due to the way we are socialized in western culture.

More and more, we are gravitating toward "my" this and "my" that....and along with that way of thinking and behaving, unity among our people may never be fully achieved in the way that most Black people talk about.

Queenie :spinstar:

Queen, you are a rare sistah indeed...thanks for responding.

i'd share my man ... after i cut him up in several pieces ... :wink:

:heart:

Destee

You are most welcome, Sister Joyce.

Is it safe to ask Sister Destee, which pieces you would give away and which pieces you would keep?

If you choose not to answer, I will understand! :)

Peace,
Queenie :heart:

You are most welcome, Sister Joyce.

Is it safe to ask Sister Destee, which pieces you would give away and which pieces you would keep?

If you choose not to answer, I will understand! :)

Peace,
Queenie :heart:


I bet she would probably keep the hands and the heart. The rest ain't much good without them. :laugh:

Hello family

To answer the question, no I would not share "my" man! I am a one woman man and a one man woman. No relilgious reasons either. That is just the way I am wired. I believe in sharing my spirit with an individual not a nation or even where I would have to divide my love, affection, conversation with other women. I say "no".

Lady

Hello family

To answer the question, no I would not share "my" man! I am a one woman man and a one man woman. No relilgious reasons either. That is just the way I am wired. I believe in sharing my spirit with an individual not a nation or even where I would have to divide my love, affection, conversation with other women. I say "no".

Lady


Thank you for responding Ms Lady. I ain't suppose to be hinting at what I believe but some know already anyway so I gonna say that I expecially like the way you expressed here...I believe in sharing my spirit with an individual not a nation :love:

Gurl that's hotdog tight...I love profound statements like this!

i'm not a sistah but if i was most def not sharing one's love is foolish
and i say to any sistah who would ....why share a man u love and take chances
of contracting something from the play ........whewwwwwww the thought of
sharing makes my head spin just had to voice on this thread

Thank you for responding Ms Lady. I ain't suppose to be hinting at what I believe but some know already anyway so I gonna say that I expecially like the way you expressed here...I believe in sharing my spirit with an individual not a nation :love:

Gurl that's hotdog tight...I love profound statements like this!



I got to say it like it is girl..lol

I am a believer that I can contribute toward the good of my race in some manner, but to try and heal a nation is just plain absurd!

Peace and blessings
Lady

I don't think so! No one is to share any man that I have. I'm sorry but I don't think that the situation is that serious. If you want a Black man, get up and find one. There's guaranteed to be one out there looking for a Black woman. Don't go plotting on someone else's man though. While the idea may sound practical to some, it just carries toooooooo many complications in the long run.

i'd share my man ... after i cut him up in several pieces ... :wink:

:heart:

Destee

okaaaay!!!...I feel ya Des....lolol

lol@ NN......I want all the stiff parts...rofl...smh....lol

i'm not a sistah but if i was most def not sharing one's love is foolish
and i say to any sistah who would ....why share a man u love and take chances
of contracting something from the play ........whewwwwwww the thought of
sharing makes my head spin just had to voice on this thread



:thanks:Rich:rolling:


You've always been a strong support system for us sistahs, my brotha...thanks for sharing your thoughts.


Joyce

I don't think so! No one is to share any man that I have. I'm sorry but I don't think that the situation is that serious. If you want a Black man, get up and find one. There's guaranteed to be one out there looking for a Black woman. Don't go plotting on someone else's man though. While the idea may sound practical to some, it just carries toooooooo many complications in the long run.

:jumping:


Gurl Ain't Dat Da Truth! Thanks for sharing Sis. I appreciate your participation.

okaaaay!!!...I feel ya Des....lolol

lol@ NN......I want all the stiff parts...rofl...smh....lol


:x: Gurl You Is Sho Nuff Crazy! :angel:

Thank You So Much For Your Participation!



Joyce

I'm not old and stuff but when I saw this thread I just had to answer. Well, I have dated quite a few 18 year olds and by law they are no longer their mother's dependents so they are offically a black man. Anyway, being that I am young and at this age men come a dime or dozen I think that I WOULD share my man. Don't look at me crazy, but I think that at this age a man is not going to be faithful anyway. And even when I get older, I'm STILL willing to share my man for the simple fact that I don't own him. There is no promises that a relationship is actually going to work for anyone on neither side. I won't say that I will be faithful to him and he probably WON'T say he will be faithful to me. I was always told from the time I was born don't ask questions you already know the answer to. So, I say this to say that men are all the same. If a hoochie was to come in his face with her draws down they would hit it. I haven't found one yet that would turn it down to be truthful. It's all a mind thing. If you can think that your man is only your's and he is faithful then he is. If not, then he's not. Life goes on. I would rather be open with the person I'm dating and have him open with me than to cheat behind my back. So, I go into my relationships telling him that I do have other guy friends and then of course he breaks down and tell me he does too. I would rather have it this way than to have him tell me he is faithful and only mine's and cheat behind my back only to bring me bumps between my legs. It ain't even that type of party. To me, I don't think I'll actually try to have a man as my own until I'm 45 then they are probably too tired to cheat and ready to settle down. Until then, I'll just look for men to please me the best way I can. It's not always physical either.....I'm talking about mentally and financially too. As long as he is there when I ring his tele and comes right away then I will keep him. I don't look at this as sharing.....I look at it as being real. I'm still not the side broad.....I'm main to many. I just like to keep it real. I don't have heartaches like so many of the women around me that get too attached to their men only to find out he was being unfaithful. I'm am a very open person and I don't want to be emotionally attached to a man I would rather just give him what he wants rather it be a helping hand, a ear to listen, a back massage or whatever and he gives me what I want. That's as simple as it goes. Cause' like I said men come a dime a dozen and I have a lot to choose from why should I just be stuck to one. I mean, it's not like I'm ugly. It's not a self esteem thing with me. I just like men of all types. That's just me. And if you look around to a lot of men you're see that they prefer it this way too. Keepin' it real. That's the problem with most women, they are too stuck on that novel type **** and they don't realize you can be in love and still have five to choose from. I know I do and most men 16-30 do too. Might as well hang with them. I know you're probably saying "lawd, this child is out her mind. She ain't nothing but a ****. She gon' get something." WRONG!!! I don't have sex with all these men. I have them all for something different to satify ALL my needs. It's not even that type of party. Yo, that's just my oppinion.

I'm not old and stuff but when I saw this thread I just had to answer. Well, I have dated quite a few 18 year olds and by law they are no longer their mother's dependents so they are offically a black man. Anyway, being that I am young and at this age men come a dime or dozen I think that I WOULD share my man. Don't look at me crazy, but I think that at this age a man is not going to be faithful anyway. And even when I get older, I'm STILL willing to share my man for the simple fact that I don't own him. There is no promises that a relationship is actually going to work for anyone on neither side. I won't say that I will be faithful to him and he probably WON'T say he will be faithful to me. I was always told from the time I was born don't ask questions you already know the answer to. So, I say this to say that men are all the same. If a hoochie was to come in his face with her draws down they would hit it. I haven't found one yet that would turn it down to be truthful. It's all a mind thing. If you can think that your man is only your's and he is faithful then he is. If not, then he's not. Life goes on. I would rather be open with the person I'm dating and have him open with me than to cheat behind my back. So, I go into my relationships telling him that I do have other guy friends and then of course he breaks down and tell me he does too. I would rather have it this way than to have him tell me he is faithful and only mine's and cheat behind my back only to bring me bumps between my legs. It ain't even that type of party. To me, I don't think I'll actually try to have a man as my own until I'm 45 then they are probably too tired to cheat and ready to settle down. Until then, I'll just look for men to please me the best way I can. It's not always physical either.....I'm talking about mentally and financially too. As long as he is there when I ring his tele and comes right away then I will keep him. I don't look at this as sharing.....I look at it as being real. I'm still not the side broad.....I'm main to many. I just like to keep it real. I don't have heartaches like so many of the women around me that get too attached to their men only to find out he was being unfaithful. I'm am a very open person and I don't want to be emotionally attached to a man I would rather just give him what he wants rather it be a helping hand, a ear to listen, a back massage or whatever and he gives me what I want. That's as simple as it goes. Cause' like I said men come a dime a dozen and I have a lot to choose from why should I just be stuck to one. I mean, it's not like I'm ugly. It's not a self esteem thing with me. I just like men of all types. That's just me. And if you look around to a lot of men you're see that they prefer it this way too. Keepin' it real. That's the problem with most women, they are too stuck on that novel type **** and they don't realize you can be in love and still have five to choose from. I know I do and most men 16-30 do too. Might as well hang with them. I know you're probably saying "lawd, this child is out her mind. She ain't nothing but a ****. She gon' get something." WRONG!!! I don't have sex with all these men. I have them all for something different to satify ALL my needs. It's not even that type of party. Yo, that's just my oppinion.

:thanks: Hi Foxy,

Thanks for your participation. I appreciate it very much and no I do not think you are crazy. You are only 17. You are not old enough to be crazy yet. :huh: Maybe a little misguided on some things, but then again aren't we all? Moreover, I am not here to counsel you. However, I do need a clearer picture concerning the question I have put forth on this thread and that is...

Would YOU be willing to be one of several wives for ONE man. This means that YOU will only have ONE man...not several. This is known as polygamy. This setup benefits the man more than the woman. Would you put yourself in this position? He will have the "several" part and you the "ONE" part. Now would you put all yo men folk down for ONE man who has several wives who are FAITHFUL to him only? Understand that you will only have one man, but he will have several women including you. You spoke of getting needs met. Would you be willing to "wait in line" to get your needs met, whatever they may be?

Waiting for your response...

Joyce

Well, in that case no...I need my men......I cant just have one that's just like being married and cheated on......that's crazy...I'm happily single and loving every bit of it.......dang that's crazy......how he gon' have all the fun and the wives just sit at home....I COULDN'T do it.......I can't be tied down for no body.....not even if my mama told me to.

There are cultures that allow women to have more than one man but that's something for another thread.

Sister Foxi...I have a lot of respect for you because you're not afraid to speak your mind and that is so rare. No, I don't think you're crazy nor do I judge what you wrote. Seventeen or 57...we all have much to learn about life and it's good that we feel comfortable with each other to share our opinions.

Sister Joyce, your last post has me seeking clarification from you on something you wrote:

"This is known as polygamy. This setup benefits the man more than the woman. Would you put yourself in this position? He will have the "several" part and you the "ONE" part. Now would you put all yo men folk down for ONE man who has several wives who are FAITHFUL to him only?"

Why is it your opinion that polygamy benefits the man more than women, and what does being "faithful" have to do with polygamy in the context of your question?

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:

http://www.destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17562&page=7&pp=10

The polygamy thread that goes beneath the surface of sex and faithfulness. Very interesting discussion that some may find enlightening. :teach:

Queenie :spinstar:

There are cultures that allow women to have more than one man but that's something for another thread.

Sister Foxi...I have a lot of respect for you because you're not afraid to speak your mind and that is so rare. No, I don't think you're crazy nor do I judge what you wrote. Seventeen or 57...we all have much to learn about life and it's good that we feel comfortable with each other to share our opinions.

Sister Joyce, your last post has me seeking clarification from you on something you wrote:

"This is known as polygamy. This setup benefits the man more than the woman. Would you put yourself in this position? He will have the "several" part and you the "ONE" part. Now would you put all yo men folk down for ONE man who has several wives who are FAITHFUL to him only?"

Why is it your opinion that polygamy benefits the man more than women, and what does being "faithful" have to do with polygamy in the context of your question?

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:


Sure Queen,

You asked:Why is it your opinion that polygamy benefits the man more than women, and what does being "faithful" have to do with polygamy in the context of your question?

Being faithful is as strong a requirement in polygamy as it is in a monogamus relationship. The husband is not permitted to "cheat" outside of his wives. The wives are not permitted to cheat outside of their marriage to him.

In my opinion polygamy benefits the man in that

1. He has a selection of several partners whereas the woman only have a choice of one...him. If he want Nelly tonite and don't won't Sally that is his choice. He is the dawg. No matter how bad little po Sally is wanting him :cry: to love her, He wants Nelly first. Then ifen he ain too tide, he may tell Nelly to get up and bring Sally in. :cool:

2. With 5 wives, he can gain a large family in no time and put the children to work out in the fields planting corn. The wives will keep the house immaculate and there will never be any excuse for his dinner not to be on time when he gets home.

3.The more money he makes in business dealings or whatever, the more wives he can acquire if he so desire. Still, the wives may only have him and no more.

4. As his butt grow old and stiff from so much riding :blush: , he can still continue to acquire young maidens for wives while the previous wives are still stuck with now an old crusty butt husband to be faithful to. His future is bright because he's keeping it fresh with a fresh stable of horses, because the old grey mare just ain't what she use to be, but then neither is he...only he doesn't know it.

That's why I can relate to what Ms. Foxi said. Before I got married, I loved my brothas too much to be tied down to just one and I sho wouldn't mess with anyone who wants me to be at home, while he in the next bedroom with another woman:uhoh:...naw honey...Joyce would not got for that. Times haven't got that desparate for any sistah here in America to subject herself to such circumstances.

Peace and Respect Queen

Joyce

Well, in that case no...I need my men......I cant just have one that's just like being married and cheated on......that's crazy...I'm happily single and loving every bit of it.......dang that's crazy......how he gon' have all the fun and the wives just sit at home....I COULDN'T do it.......I can't be tied down for no body.....not even if my mama told me to.

:spin: Hey Thank You Foxy. Your comments are :spin:
very much appreciated!

i would only share him with ""love""




but him and another person in flesh...






no....





Lovelibertylady:heart:

http://www.destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17562&page=7&pp=10

The polygamy thread that goes beneath the surface of sex and faithfulness. Very interesting discussion that some may find enlightening. :teach:

Queenie :spinstar:

thank you for posting this link to an earlier thread sistah. kannte's disertation pretty much somes up my position.

Hotep

i would only share him with ""love""




but him and another person in flesh...






no....





Lovelibertylady:heart:


Sister Liberty...You Truly Reflected Your Name In Your Response.
Thanks For Participating!

http://www.destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17562&page=7&pp=10

The polygamy thread that goes beneath the surface of sex and faithfulness. Very interesting discussion that some may find enlightening. :teach:

Queenie :spinstar:


Thanks for sharing that link. I've already visted there, but it may be helpful for those who are yet undecided. I have a question for you? Maybe you have already answered it and I've forgotten but...

1. Are you married?
2. Would you be willing to be in a polygamus relationship for the sake of saving the black community?

1. No

2. I believe I answered this question in my first post here. If you don't think so, please let me know.

Peace,
Queenie :spinstar:

I am not prepared to say what I absolutely wouldn't do in this type of situation. Brother Kannte directed us to a very interesting and deep thread that was started a while ago and based on the discussion that took place in this thread, much of which I contributed to, my thinking about polygamy has definitely changed.

My approach to polygamous relationships is not religious-based, but socially benefitting. I also don't think that having a man translates into "owning" him. If someone thinks of a mate as "my man" or "my woman", then I would hope that the basis for the relationship had already been set and agreed to as monogamous before the couple got serious. The same would hold true for any other form of relationship.


Polygamy has nothing to do with infidelity or cheating. It is more than a sexual relationship, and personally, I see a lot of value in such a relationship that extends beyond an individualistic mindset. If you're the jealous female type and can't bear the thought of "sharing your man', then this is not the relationship for you.

I think the brother who commented on the benefits of polygamy in the African American family structure makes a valid point. But it's a concept that will require some tough barriers to break through due to the way we are socialized in western culture.

More and more, we are gravitating toward "my" this and "my" that....and along with that way of thinking and behaving, unity among our people may never be fully achieved in the way that most Black people talk about.

Queenie :spinstar:


:teach: Thanks Queen For Participating:teach:


Your insight is well appreciated. :heart:

Joyce

Brotha must have bumped his head on the corner of a table.....
I would never share my man with another woman.One that's not normal and it's against what I stand for.Might as well call it cheating not multiple wives.I love my black men ,but if it came down to sharing......lil miss SENSE would be wit a white man.I just can't see that it's posed to be Rita and Malik,not Rita,Malik,Rhonda,Kiesha,and Andrea. :nono: :nono:

:jumping: I Hear Ya Sistah Gurl :jumping:
Thanks For Responding!

I thought some who find this discussion interesting might like to read a bit of historical facts about polygamy (polygyny) and how it was and often still is perceived.

http://www.cultural-expressions.com/thesis/polygamy.htm

I think it's great that people are sharing their personal views on this topic. I always find it extremely interesting to see what my sisters think. Although the question was quite limited in scope, I do believe that there is so much more room to explore it and I was hoping that we could do that, as sisters.

The discussion thus far in this thread has primarily centered around modern day thinking which either has been heavily influenced by one's particular religious doctrine and/or cultural perspective. Is anyone else willing to think outside the scope of what they've been accustomed to or influenced by?

Given the nature of our current society as it relates to marital relationships or relationships period, do you see room for different options for us that may help build or rebuild a stronger foundation for Black men, women and their families? Look at the high rate of divorces among sisters. Look at the number of single mothers. Look at our young Black women whose minds have already been tainted by a society that teaches them about and perpetuates mysogynists. Look at the increasing numbers of Black women suffering from sexually transmitted diseases. Look at the high rate of single Black women suffering from stress caused by a fear of not finding that one Black man for her. Look at the number of Black women and children that are living in poverty.

Our babies are being born into this environment every day and ultimately they too take on the ills of our society and grow up only to repeat the cycle of events. That is, if they don't develop the courage to explore other ways of thinking to break the negative cycle. Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things over and over again, yet expecting different
results. Sisters, could part of the problem be the way we THINK about relationships and the cycles that we repeat?

What we feel is right or wrong for us personally is one thing. I'm not judging that. But as we limit our thinking to just ourselves, are we also closing the door for others to explore different possibilities if that's what some of our sisters and brothers think will work for them? Why does it have to be all one way or nothing?

What if we were legally allowed to have a choice between monogamy or polygamy in our marital arrangements, what impact do you think that might have on some if not all of the issues that I mentioned above?

I'm not quite understanding why so many Black women are vehemently or diametrically opposed to considering any value to polygamy as an option in our modern day culture. I dare say that I think that many of us are locked into a mindset that has been rooted in European cultural influences, which tells us that we should practice monogamy only and since they are the so called dominant culture, that's what we do and that's what we teach and preach.

We all have our personal opinions on the topic and that's all that Sister Joyce asked us to express. But when I read the reasons why some of you are opposed to polygamy--connecting it only to sexual promiscuity and being unfaithful--I must admit that I don't understand why many of us only see it that way.

A while back I started a thread entitled, "Is love over-rated?" More and more I can see how some people's concept of "love" can cause them to be selfish and unwilling to share what they think they own.

I've heard a lot of sisters claim that they want someone who can love them unconditionally, but I question if they truly understand what that means and what it requires. To me, to understand how to love unconditionally goes beyond what you feel about one person. To me, when you love unconditionally, you understand that you don't own someone or have exclusive rights to their love. To me, when you love like this, it's a gift that grows from respect and admiration and handle it carefully and respectfully. It's not a jealous or selfish love because you understand that when you give it and let it go freely, it will come back to you. To me, physical sex has nothing to do with it other than to be another form of expression of it.

Our minds need to be set free of the limitations that we either place on the ways we think or allow others to manipulate how we think. You have to go deep within to get beyond the surface to reach the truth and flush out the contradictory lives that we often lead.

This is not an indictment against anyone here, but there are many of us--yes, Sisters--who strongly claim that we wouldn't begin to consider polygamy as an option yet we have many men in our lifetime, albeit one at a time. In our culture today, that's no longer frowned upon because once again, the dominant culture says that it's okay. High rates of divorces among Blacks--now commonplace. Going from boyfriend to boyfriend as easily as changing what we wear--another common behavior. Sex without commitment, probably happens more often that we like to admit. Confusion about what love is--one of our biggest problems. Tendency to blame the 'victims' and not the social customs, difficult not to do given all the public scrutiny of our community. Not enough attention paid to learning about our cultural heritage pre-European slave trade and the influence it still has on the way we think--will probably lead to our destruction (extinction).

Queenie :spinstar:

Queen:
Given the nature of our current society as it relates to marital relationships or relationships period, do you see room for different options for us that may help build or rebuild a stronger foundation for Black men, women and their families? Look at the high rate of divorces among sisters. Look at the number of single mothers. Look at our young Black women whose minds have already been tainted by a society that teaches them about and perpetuates mysogynists. Look at the increasing numbers of Black women suffering from sexually transmitted diseases. Look at the high rate of single Black women suffering from stress caused by a fear of not finding that one Black man for her. Look at the number of Black women and children that are living in poverty.

Our babies are being born into this environment every day and ultimately they too take on the ills of our society and grow up only to repeat the cycle of events. That is, if they don't develop the courage to explore other ways of thinking to break the negative cycle. Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things over and over again, yet expecting different
results. Sisters, could part of the problem be the way we THINK about relationships and the cycles that we repeat?

What we feel is right or wrong for us personally is one thing. I'm not judging that. But as we limit our thinking to just ourselves, are we also closing the door for others to explore different possibilities if that's what some of our sisters and brothers think will work for them? Why does it have to be all one way or nothing?

What if we were legally allowed to have a choice between monogamy or polygamy in our marital arrangements, what impact do you think that might have on some if not all of the issues that I mentioned above?



Joyce:
I read your post and I am willing to do as you have ask in exploring different possibilities. I am not a closed minded person. Nor do I follow trends just because it is the popular thing to do. In exploring however, one must ask questions in order to learn. Thus I have some questions below about what you said in your post above.


You said:
Look at the high rate of divorces among sisters. Look at the number of single mothers. Look at our young Black women whose minds have already been tainted by a society that teaches them about and perpetuates mysogynists. Look at the increasing numbers of Black women suffering from sexually transmitted diseases. Look at the high rate of single Black women suffering from stress caused by a fear of not finding that one Black man for her. Look at the number of Black women and children that are living in poverty.

Question: How will polygamy help these problems?

You Said:
I'm not quite understanding why so many Black women are vehemently or diametrically opposed to considering any value to polygamy as an option in our modern day culture. I dare say that I think that many of us are locked into a mindset that has been rooted in European cultural influences, which tells us that we should practice monogamy only and since they are the so called dominant culture, that's what we do and that's what we teach and preach.

Joyce:
Polygamy AND Monogamy has it's roots in the human race period. Monogamy is practiced in black cultures as well as polygamy is practiced in white cultures. Why is it that when a brotha or sistah has chosen to do or not do a particular thing, that they are accused of acting "white" or eurocentric rather than afrocentric??? The way I choose to do or live may not have nothing to do with race or culture at all.


You Said:
The discussion thus far in this thread has primarily centered around modern day thinking which either has been heavily influenced by one's particular religious doctrine and/or cultural perspective. Is anyone else willing to think outside the scope of what they've been accustomed to or influenced by?


Joyce:
Sure. What other options are there besides polygamy?

Queen:
Given the nature of our current society as it relates to marital relationships or relationships period, do you see room for different options for us that may help build or rebuild a stronger foundation for Black men, women and their families? Look at the high rate of divorces among sisters. Look at the number of single mothers. Look at our young Black women whose minds have already been tainted by a society that teaches them about and perpetuates mysogynists. Look at the increasing numbers of Black women suffering from sexually transmitted diseases. Look at the high rate of single Black women suffering from stress caused by a fear of not finding that one Black man for her. Look at the number of Black women and children that are living in poverty.

Our babies are being born into this environment every day and ultimately they too take on the ills of our society and grow up only to repeat the cycle of events. That is, if they don't develop the courage to explore other ways of thinking to break the negative cycle. Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things over and over again, yet expecting different
results. Sisters, could part of the problem be the way we THINK about relationships and the cycles that we repeat?

What we feel is right or wrong for us personally is one thing. I'm not judging that. But as we limit our thinking to just ourselves, are we also closing the door for others to explore different possibilities if that's what some of our sisters and brothers think will work for them? Why does it have to be all one way or nothing?

What if we were legally allowed to have a choice between monogamy or polygamy in our marital arrangements, what impact do you think that might have on some if not all of the issues that I mentioned above?



Joyce:
I read your post and I am willing to do as you have ask in exploring different possibilities. I am not a closed minded person. Nor do I follow trends just because it is the popular thing to do. In exploring however, one must ask questions in order to learn. Thus I have some questions below about what you said in your post above.


You said:
Look at the high rate of divorces among sisters. Look at the number of single mothers. Look at our young Black women whose minds have already been tainted by a society that teaches them about and perpetuates mysogynists. Look at the increasing numbers of Black women suffering from sexually transmitted diseases. Look at the high rate of single Black women suffering from stress caused by a fear of not finding that one Black man for her. Look at the number of Black women and children that are living in poverty.

Question: How will polygamy help these problems?

How has monogamy helped them? I would think the possibilities and probabilities could be the same. Then again, one may prove better than the other. I think the link that I added earlier has clearly spelled out many of the advantages.

You Said:
I'm not quite understanding why so many Black women are vehemently or diametrically opposed to considering any value to polygamy as an option in our modern day culture. I dare say that I think that many of us are locked into a mindset that has been rooted in European cultural influences, which tells us that we should practice monogamy only and since they are the so called dominant culture, that's what we do and that's what we teach and preach.

Joyce:
Polygamy AND Monogamy has it's roots in the human race period. Monogamy is practiced in black cultures as well as polygamy is practiced in white cultures. Why is it that when a brotha or sistah has chosen to do or not do a particular thing, that they are accused of acting "white" or eurocentric rather than afrocentric??? The way I choose to do or live may not have nothing to do with race or culture at all.


This was NOT an accusation of people "acting" white versus people being afrocentric. What you choose to do with your life is your free choice to make. Looking more closely at my question, I wrote "many" as a qualifier and not ALL.

You Said:
The discussion thus far in this thread has primarily centered around modern day thinking which either has been heavily influenced by one's particular religious doctrine and/or cultural perspective. Is anyone else willing to think outside the scope of what they've been accustomed to or influenced by?


Joyce:
Sure. What other options are there besides polygamy?

Well, for two additional options I believe I mentioned polyandry and another option is, of course, to remain single.

Queenie :spinstar:

Thanks Queens for responding to my questions...still exploring...

You said:
Look at the high rate of divorces among sisters. Look at the number of single mothers. Look at our young Black women whose minds have already been tainted by a society that teaches them about and perpetuates mysogynists. Look at the increasing numbers of Black women suffering from sexually transmitted diseases. Look at the high rate of single Black women suffering from stress caused by a fear of not finding that one Black man for her. Look at the number of Black women and children that are living in poverty.

Question: How will polygamy help these problems?

Your Answer Queen:

How has monogamy helped them? I would think the possibilities and probabilities could be the same. Then again, one may prove better than the other. I think the link that I added earlier has clearly spelled out many of the advantages.

Joyce: Queen, I visited that link ( http://www.cultural-expressions.com/thesis/polygamy.htm). Maybe, I missed it but I didn't see the answer to the above question. Would it be too much to ask you to post one way that polygamy will help the problems you mentioned above?
This is for the sake of sisters who are "here" but may not want to go "there", if you get my drift.

You Said:
I'm not quite understanding why so many Black women are vehemently or diametrically opposed to considering any value to polygamy as an option in our modern day culture. I dare say that I think that many of us are locked into a mindset that has been rooted in European cultural influences, which tells us that we should practice monogamy only and since they are the so called dominant culture, that's what we do and that's what we teach and preach.

Joyce:
Polygamy AND Monogamy has it's roots in the human race period. Monogamy is practiced in black cultures as well as polygamy is practiced in white cultures. Why is it that when a brotha or sistah has chosen to do or not do a particular thing, that they are accused of acting "white" or eurocentric rather than afrocentric??? The way I choose to do or live may not have nothing to do with race or culture at all.

Your Response Queen:
This was NOT an accusation of people "acting" white versus people being afrocentric. What you choose to do with your life is your free choice to make. Looking more closely at my question, I wrote "many" as a qualifier and not ALL.

Joyce: It could be "many" but I doubt it...seriously. The word "some" would be a better fit I think.


Joyce:
What other options are there besides polygamy?

Your Response:
Well, for two additional options I believe I mentioned polyandry and another option is, of course, to remain single.

Joyce: I am sure there are some sisters would love that polyandry thing but as for me, three men in the house would be too taxing on my emotions as well as on my...well you get the picture. :look: Single would be the best route for me. Thankfully, things are not terrible enough to consider polygamy or polandry. Before it goes to that, many sisters will get on a cruise ship and bring a "boat load" of them brothas back over here. :laugh:

Just kidding...but serious too. :)

Joyce

:kick: I would like to know who financially supports a family with several wives and many children? The husband I hope. With that said, how many black men can any of us name who can financially support a family of multiple wives. It appears that many black men have a hard enough time supporting one wife and just a couple of kids. Not to mention all the complaining some men do about how hard it is to satisfy one woman, and that women don't know what they want. So if this is the case, they should have no legitimate reason to want more than one wife.

Furthermore, I have met many men who want nothing to do with marriage at all period...until the mention of the word "polygamy"....sounds a bit suspicious to me.:insane:

:kick: I would like to know who financially supports a family with several wives and many children? The husband I hope. With that said, how many black men can any of us name who can financially support a family of multiple wives. It appears that many black men have a hard enough time supporting one wife and just a couple of kids. Not to mention all the complaining some men do about how hard it is to satisfy one woman, and that women don't know what they want. So if this is the case, they should have no legitimate reason to want more than one wife. Furthermore, I have met many men who want nothing to do with marriage at all period...until the mention of the word "polygamy"....sounds a bit suspicious to me.:insane:

There aren´t too many men of any race who can support several wives and children. The financial responsibility of polygamy is what makes it unrealistic system for most men. The emotional responsiblity and maturity of such a relationship (needed from all parties) also would make it unrealistic. As soon as most men (again of all races) would realize there is more to the relationship than sex with a different woman every night...I´d imagine the majority would lose interest. Still for those who are financially able, polygamy has many societal and culture benefits. It always has!

Share..? What the heck? :yesno: Ill knock a man up side his head if he expects me to share... aint jack "that good!".... smh! What kinda mess is this.. share a man! Sounds like pure silliness!

There aren´t too many men of any race who can support several wives and children. The financial responsibility of polygamy is what makes it unrealistic system for most men. The emotional responsiblity and maturity of such a relationship (needed from all parties) also would make it unrealistic. As soon as most men (again of all races) would realize there is more to the relationship than sex with a different woman every night...I´d imagine the majority would lose interest. Still for those who are financially able, polygamy has many societal and culture benefits. It always has!

Thank You panafrica for your response to my post. Your ideas always make a lot of sense, which is why i enjoy reading your insights. I am new to this site and I think you all have a beautiful community here. :roll: :roll:

Would you be willing to be a black man's concubine or one of his many wives to perserve the strength of the black community?

Heck NO!!!! I want a man that is all mine, I am not sharing with any other woman!!!!!

Thank You panafrica for your response to my post. Your ideas always make a lot of sense, which is why i enjoy reading your insights. I am new to this site and I think you all have a beautiful community here. :roll: :roll:

I´m glad you are enjoying the community Sanaiah25! I look forward to conversing with you in the future.

Would you be willing to be a black man's concubine or one of his many wives to perserve the strength of the black community?

Heck NO!!!! I want a man that is all mine, I am not sharing with any other woman!!!!!


It's not about right or wrong, it's about what works best for both parties. What may work for others may not work for you. Clearly it's NOT for everyone.

Surely sharing,does not mean caring!:whip:
Im selfish.. im so selfish I dont wantt kids till my husband and I are utterly infatuated with eachother... :bellyd:

I would share a man IF I had no choice and IF this arrangement enabled me
AND my children to live on an advanced level and IF it insured that my children would be both as safe as possible AND able to develop their potential to the maximum extent.

If these conditions were met, I would be first in line to share that man!

I would share a man IF I had no choice and IF this arrangement enabled me
AND my children to live on an advanced level and IF it insured that my children would be both as safe as possible AND able to develop their potential to the maximum extent.

If these conditions were met, I would be first in line to share that man!

This is precisely why some sistahs have made the choice to be in a polygamous relationship.

Excellent points.

Let me elaborate on my post above about man-sharing or polygamy. I think polygamous relationships can be both positive or very negative for women. I could discuss this topic at length since I know West African women who are the children of polygamous unions. Some of them were harmed or saw their mothers harmed and some of them benefited. If you are a certain type of AA woman, you could benefit from this type of relationship, but it’s not for the average woman here. I know some African men here who are very much anti-polygamy because they were harmed also or saw female relatives harmed.

I think an AA sista would really need to do a whole lotta research on this type of relationship before going into it to see whether she is cut out for it. West African culture is very different from American culture in significant way and therefore women and men get their social and other needs met in VERY different ways. For an American woman who is conditioned to expect her husband to be her partner, her constant companion, her lover, her sole mate, her confidante, her pal, and someone who will love her only etc., polygamy is not the answer unless she can throw away the bulk of that conditioning.

As an arrangement “for bringing up children in a possibly optimal way,” and greatly improve the financial landscape of the household, it just might work IN THIS COUNTRY for a woman like me with the right type of man. However, I would never do this in the African societies that I am familiar with, where most women can legally be treated like second class citizens. So the man I’m referring to here would have to be fair-minded and socially and emotionally progressive enough to understand that I also have needs for intimacy, a confidante, sole mate, lover, pal, etc. Thus he would understand that I would need to find a man outside of the polygamous arrangement with whom I could get my other needs met, mainly the need for combined sexual and emotional intimacy. So I’m talking here about polygamy combined with polyandry or polyamory.

I believe that this combination is practiced a lot throughout the world, though informally.

let me just say this your sharing your man whether you want to or not. it seems when 2000 hit taboos about married men and things that are wrong is now right. you see people of the same sex relationships are open. you know everybody ok with it now. you cant stop a man from doing what he feels is in his nature. i know for a fact mine cutting out on me i just told him to respect me enough to use a condom. did i open up a can of worms yes and no.