So many times I have hear people list all the qualities of a potential candidate for a relationship and it trips me out. There are a lot of broke people who want someone with money. There are not so attractive people who only want model types. There are people who sleep around who want someone whose monogomous. People with NO car only want to date someone with a car. There are people living with their parents who only want someone with their own place. My question is why are we like this. Why doesn't anyone want to work together anymore? Me personally, I look for aspirations and drive. I can care less if you have a car at the moment, if you look like a model or if you make tons of money. What do you guys think? Are we setting ourselves up to miss out on someone special just because we want to find someone with things we can't or don't want to get for ourselves? :peace:

First and foremost I don't really seek qualities in others that I myself do not posess. We do not need to be exactly alike, but I'd prefer that there not be drastic differences. I aslo don't expect one person to be perfect, if he had 80% of the qualities I desire I could overlook the other 15% he is lacking... the most important thing is his willingness to grow and work on our relationship.

Ironically though, opposites attract and when I look around me I see that most people who are involved are with someone who lacks what they claim they were looking for.

I agree totally. I mean, we don't have to be the same, but for me there has to be goals and that want to make her life better. I don't want a lazy person, but we can work on a lot together if I really dig that person. You don't have to walk in nearly perfect is what I'm saying. I'm obviously not perfect and I don't make a ton of money, so why should I look for that. No one is that great that they need to look for someone perfect. People have to deal with my imperfections the same way I have to deal with theirs. Not saying anyone should settle, but there are very good people who don't have a lot, who don't look like a model and who don't have a car or house of their own. This doesn't make them less of a person than someone who is beautiful "outside" and well off financially.

indeed many seek things or types that they don't have of lone to have in a
match making myth but true and heart comes from deep within i seek what can't
be touched from the outter side and look deeply into the inner beings of a person
so true so many do look at money/cars/looks/glamor and all the outter stuff and
forget to see what's inside and miss the true treasure of a human being.

I dont know why many people are like this.......but they are. I personally would never require of a potential girlfriend, something I dont have/cant do, and cant at least match or substitute for. I get really turned off when I hear people expect of others what they dont of themself. For men it is usually monogamy, loyalty and some domestic skills......for women it often seems to be a house/condo of his own, a degree from a top school, a set of wheels, and a high paying job. In these situations, teh person asking for the qualities or assests almost NEVER has them. I cant stand a woman like that becuase I am not like that and wouldnt do it.

As I think back in my past, I can say that anothers personal gains have never been my reasons to date. Although alot of my friends did look for the things that you mentioned, It never really mattered much to me. Even thougth it was a plus. What I would look for was, Is his mind opened to learning new things. Is his nature a caring one. Is he funny and spontaneous. Is he strong willed. Does he process leadership qualities. Is he understanding and not to judgemental. Is he conscientious. Things like that!
I rather be with someone whom I could relate to and not feel as if I had to hide parts of the things that made up me.

I usually try to look for women who can articulate intellectual stimulating speech, and who are highly intellectual. I do not like average women they are boring.

The reason why I prefer women who are highly analytical is because I am the same and we get along. The other folks usually raze my personality because they do not understand but my Goddesses who score 1200 and up on the SAT's do.

I think people set hypocritical and unrealistic standards towards a potential mate because...

1)Many people in our society are superficial
2) and insecure enough to care about what other people think. Perhaps they feel that if they don't have a mate with money, good looks, or a fancy job; that others will judge them in a negative aspect.

The people who do so, are usually jumping from relationship to relationship, constantly wondering what went wrong.

I personally think key attributes to look for are motivation, ambition, drive, and someone to treat you with respect. If someone has a drive, they will not settle.

For example, if someone is working at McDonald's, and they have motivation... They will not stop until they are manager and then perhaps own a franchise for themselves.

On the flip side, if someone is a lawyer for a prestigious law firm, yet they lack drive... They may miss out on their full potential... Such as writing a motivational book to encourage our youth, starting an after-school program to give back to our community, or take cases that focus on helping people (rather than the almighty dollar).

With drive, one does not remain in the here and now, but is motivated to always strive for the best. The fact of the matter is, that it takes time to achieve the finer things in life.

Nothing that was ever worth having comes easy. If it comes too easily, then there is usually a catch.

People nowadays are so used to compacting what they want in a mate in 100 words or less that they have actually gotten pretty good at it...take various dating services, for instance.

Not to discredit their purpose, but no matter what type of outcome they claim to provide, ultimately you will be reduced to a number or a screenname underneath a "questionnaire" loaded with answers pertaining to how many pets you have, whether or not you smoke, religion, etc., and this is supposed to let someone know whether or not they want to date you?..

What people do when they reduce a potential mate to a list of traits is the same as someone sitting down at a computer and using a search engine. Automatically you'll want to refine the search so as to not waste your time or effort on something that you won't want in the end.

But is this exclusion always a good thing? Ok, so if you want a silver bracelet you're certainly not going to settle for a gold one...

but why can't people be judged as individuals and not put up next to some checklist? So what if they work as a janitor, or can't always take you out for an expensive meal?

If you find yourself saying you want someone with a nice car, generous bank account, and a chic place BEFORE you say that you want someone to be your COMPANION, then it isn't a relationship you want. Get that car, that money, and that place, but make them your OWN so that when you do finally meet someone you may want to be romantically involved with, it's really their time and affection you want, and NOT something else.

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answer is Yes . Ofcourse!

I think if you know what you want you will not have so many other relationship problems like other people do. One of the reasons why I have no kids, and no stress is because I know what I Want in a woman.

If people had some faint idea of what they really wanted we might not have so many problems. There is nothing wrong with someone having a preference. I say to each her or his own.

A couple of years ago, on a local radio show (I live in Michigan) they were doing a relationship topic.. and their "expert" (I use this loosely because I know this person was not an expert at anything....) stated that you should only date whatever it is that you are. For example, if you are a broke college student, you should only date a broke college student. If you ride the bus, you need to date someone who also rides the bus..... The theory behind these statements was simply to imply that we as people have no right to expect people to give us wat we are unable to give them. Most of us seem to be caught up in this list of qualities we feel are required in our mates; the problems arise when we cannot live up to our own expectations. If you have 6 kids, why is it a per-req for your mate not to have kids at all? So they can take care of yours? If you don not have a college degree, why are you seeking someone with a PH.D? I mean, there is nothing wrong with aiming high, but some of these "requirements" are ridiculous! Yes, there are some things you should not compromise on, but I believe there are plenty that can be negotiable.

A couple of years ago, on a local radio show (I live in Michigan) they were doing a relationship topic.. and their "expert" (I use this loosely because I know this person was not an expert at anything....) stated that you should only date whatever it is that you are. For example, if you are a broke college student, you should only date a broke college student. If you ride the bus, you need to date someone who also rides the bus..... The theory behind these statements was simply to imply that we as people have no right to expect people to give us wat we are unable to give them. Most of us seem to be caught up in this list of qualities we feel are required in our mates; the problems arise when we cannot live up to our own expectations. If you have 6 kids, why is it a per-req for your mate not to have kids at all? So they can take care of yours? If you don not have a college degree, why are you seeking someone with a PH.D? I mean, there is nothing wrong with aiming high, but some of these "requirements" are ridiculous! Yes, there are some things you should not compromise on, but I believe there are plenty that can be negotiable.
:rolling:

Well said!!

Not only would it be easier to find a relationship if we were realistic about what we have to offer and match to to potential mate, relationships would last longer. All that "opposites attract" stuff does not tell the whole story. Opposites may attract and have a hot n heavy relatiohship, but it would not last as the differences become less of a novelty and simply cause stress and friction.

However, some traits that we dont have can screw us over. I am missing certain things that I KNOW are holding me back in the relationship game. It means I gotta step up in all other areas.....and still, I dont see myself successfully getting a relationship anytime soon.

Sometimes we gotta chase thoughs who have things, or can do things we cant....that is unfortunate cause it usually does not work. :(

Lotta broke people want to hook up with someone who's rich but how many rich people want to hook up with someone who's broke?

Mating for money is what I call sleeping with dead presidents.

It's not a sign of maturity to just say well I want what I want. Any two year old wants the same thing.

Cars, condos, cash--those are not qualities. They are things. What are you going to do when the nitty gets down to the gritty and that house burns down, the car is totaled or life's unexpectancies dry up the money? Will you be playing your Solomon Burke Oldies CD--"Goodbye Baby-Baby Goodbye?"

In the ninth inning what will you have to show for all the energy expended in the pursuit of the temporal and material?

Exactly, River! Thank you! I always told my husband that things of this world are finite: THEY WILL END! If more people on this Earth would not spend so much time worrying about things of this Earth, this Earth might be a better place to live.