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U gotz this story thang down ~ Imma be takin' some pointers from you sis'......this is hella tyght girl!

Just Do It!!

One luv.

Now this is hot 'Zorbsh'n ... but i'm going to play devil's advocate if i may ...

Where are the condoms? You've made Aicha beautiful, smart, can cook and arrogant... but there's no mention of "safe sex" in this very erotic tale.

It's been so long since I've read a newly written book, but in the love scenes ... do they talk about safe sex? To do so, would it take away from the storyline? Do writers accept any responsibility to address safe sex?

Trying to view this as more than just "someone giving themselves to a total stranger" ... in a time when HIV is so rampant in our community and such behavior (in my opinion) is life-threatening.

Please don't take my comments personal, as it is a beautiful story, with much detail ... I was on the porch, could smell the peas cooking, see the juicy redness of the tomatoe slices ... but I can't help but wonder about the unsafe sex.

Is Aicha (and Gary) going to her personal physician in the morning, for a test or two ... rather than going to see if the air conditioner she ordered has made it in yet ...

Am I focusing on the wrong thing? Should I simply read and enjoy the wonderful story you've shared ... without questioning stuff?

Destee

Short stories are literary creations and do not have to preach the conventional mores, so the safe-sex/condom issue is neither here nor there.

But the story should be within itself, complete.

My comments have to do with the development of the details. For instance:

The girl padded around bare foot all day in the house, on the porch and in the yard, yet he sucked her toes and licked her feet? Yeech!!

She attended a community college up north, yet she has a BA degree? Something is missing.


There was no conflict, absoluely none. But you could have created it: Why was she celibate so long, and seeing that she was, why was it so easy for her to have sex with a total stranger without a second thought and without remorse afterward?

Don't tell us she is intellient, let us see it. There could have been something more between the 2 of them; she is a brainy yet earthy environmentalist looking to preserve grandma's land to strart an organic farm for black people/he is a developer looking to buy the property to build a mega Walmart for the boonies. Theymeet/fight/fall in love. (Just an example)


For the way the characters were developed, they could have met in a bar or at a club. The wonderful setting you used was not played to its advantage in telling the story.

I do not mean to tear down your work, but you could do it better, since you obviously have story-telling skills. and lay off all the heavy sex. Be more subtle.

Give more thought to context. Make this more than just a porn piece.

DESTEE, I FEEL YOU ON THAT ISSUE, IM NOT A ROMANCE WRITER OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, BUT OF THE BOOKS I'VE READ I CAN'T REMEMBER THAT THEY PAUSED TO GET CONDOMS. I WILL TAKE ALL THAT YOU SAID AS VERY CONSTRUCTIVE AND APPLY IT TO MY NEXT VENTURE. I CAN'T LEARN IFN I DONT PUT IT OUT AND GET THE FEED BACK THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN TO ME.

HEY NAPPY, I FEEL YOU AS WELL, HE DIDN'T LICK EM HE JUST KISSED THEM. SO YOU ARE SAYING TO USE THE VISUALS THAT I CREATED MORE, CUT DOWN ON THE SEX (TRUE) AND MAKE HER AND HIS MORE THAN JUST A CHANCE MEETING??? I LIKE THE IDEA OF CONFLICT, BUT AS I SAID TO DESTEE, THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AND I DIDN'T KNOW IF I INTRODUCED A CONFLICT HOW LONG THIS WOULD BE AND IF I WOULD BE ABLE TO KEEP THE READER INTERESTED.

LADIES I THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENTS AND IT MEANS A LOT THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO READ THIS AND CAME WITH SOME VERY CONSTRUCTIVE THINGS FOR ME TO LOOK AT. NO YOU DID NOT HURT MY FEELINGS AT ALL. IF YOU CAN TAKE THE HEAT THEN GET OUT THE KITCHEN. I CAN TAKE IT SO IM GOING TO RE WRITE THIS ONE HERE WITH WHAT YOU ALL HAVE SAID AND SEE WHATS WHAT.


ONE

happy2Bnappy - welcome to the family! Great tips you've shared ... do you write too (I don't)? I would not have thought to suggest a conflict and didn't notice the other things you brought out. I do understand that writers have no responsibility to maintain any way of thinking in their work. I was reaching for something that would make this story more than "porn," thereby making it okay to be here. After reading this, I added the words "no erotica please" to this category's description.

'Zorbsh'n ... in all honesty, if I were gonna write erotica I'd probably leave the safe sex stuff out too. I just wouldn't post it on destee.com :wink:

You're a great sport! I wouldn't have guessed it was a first attempt. Thank you for knowing I meant no harm and taking all comments constructively. Looking forward to your rewrite Sis.

Destee

...i'll just say that i was fully into the content of this piece. i've been there. it took me back there. i could visualize the flow and no, conflict doesn't have to be at the center of every meeting. sometimes, sex is just sex...and chance meetings, where physical attractions overcome you, sometimes happen.

beautiful story.

thanks for sharing.

thanks for the words and understanding. Destee, no problem with the content of my work. Like I said before that's why I post here to get feedback, positive, negative, constructive. Thanks for the love

:D

Nice UbZoRbShUn !

Copperskined barefeet country girls on wooden floors and claw feet tubs do it for me too. Where is my Aicha? Very inspiring!

Since there is a stipulation on no erotica. I'll save my "grip tightened on the bed" comments. I like the visual developement. The direction of whats physically happening between the two.

Especially that part where they were one second commenting on how hot it was and then running outside in the "all of a sudden" rain.

:D

Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan?
D'Angelo and India Arie?

"ooooooooohhhh baby, baby.
Sharing our love......."

I thoroughly enjoyed this short story! I was totoally engulfed by the imagery you created. I even placed myself in Aicha's shoes!! This is a good example of the level of intensity in sexual chemistry. Does that make sense?:confused:

I agree with the issues of safe sex. That's a major one for me.

But I didn't allow it to take away from the storyline!!!!:D

Thoroughly enjoyed and look forward to the new version!!!

okay now i normally don't speak on the formation of a piece but since the room is addressing the concept of safe sex, let's look at the crcumstances of this piece.

First, safe sex could not play into this becuse it was a chance meeting. This was what one would call a one night stand or a moment of lust overtaking common sense. As a man if i met a woman who lived in such a rural time and we ended up in such circumstances my thoughts of why she had condoms would reflect in my thoughts of her. In other words, i would not think of the chance circumstances and think more of that she does this on a regular. Also, how many woman who meet a stranger would expect him to carry a condom in his pocket. That would mean he was "looking" for sex. The days of imprint in the wallet is over. Most sexcapades occur with safe sex because there is an expectation or hope its gonna happen. This brother was looking for directions not a booty call.

Zorb, this is a wonderful first draft and i look forward to the next rewrite. Now if you can play the safe sex thing in here then go ahead, but for the greater of this story? I wouldn't worry about it. Yes she is a mature, intelligent woman buit does that mean that spontaneous sexploration does not occur? You brought out the tuth of such a situation...that most don't think about the after effects, they are thinking about the now effects. Like she said, "They are both consenting adults." Now i am not condoning unsafe sex but i am addressing the circumstances of this piece. In the heat of the moment, one would stop to ask if there was a condom and, from theis story relays, if it had been that long for either one of them, would ti matter to them. In other words, would they not continue to listen to their sexual urges because of a lack of prophalactic? I honestly don't think so. If you were striving to be an erotic romance writer, then you would want the spontaneous romance to stay in there.

You were also able to pen in there that there was a concern about how it looked to each other, when the brother wanted to explain that he doesn't do this and she stoped him. Good insight. I enjoyed hie reading, once again and i applaud your first attempt.

Safe sex is definitely needed today but in the case of these two strangers passing on a country road in the middle of nowhere? I would think that by the time one went to get a condom the mood would have been broken...How do you talk about sex to soemone that you don't want to know you're thinking about it?

okay imma stop now cuz i know this is gonna get me in trouble but i just wanted you to know that from my viepoint, as an author and a lover of written word, you have done well for a first draft. Now expound on it...

i personally enjoyed this story. my cheeks even got red when i read the sexual part. i'm not a seasoned writer but i do write and certainly i don't feel that i can criticize... i don't know, it is a GREAT first draft. and having had one timer- heat of the moment episodes, this aptly fits it. (who looks for a condom?)
anyway, i also enjoyed reading what everybody else had to say. happy2bnappy had me rollin on the floor. this is great. thank you for making me smile (and blush) today.
-7 :spinstar:

I enjoyed your story. I was hanging on ever word. I feel the most important quality of a writing is to hold the readers interest/attention and you've don't the in my opinion. I'm waiting for part 2

Great story

MadLove:heart: Coco

workin on it as we speak

YO, This was amazingly hot. It was tasteful (no pun intended either). I'm taking notes too. I'm trying to start on a short story myself, but I have no clue where to start. This was a tyte lesson!