I believe many people get married for the wrong reason..LOVE!

I bet many of you are thinking.."what is this fool talking about?"

I don't believe Love is anywhere close to enough for marriage, especially since most of us have no idea what love is. When presented with the question of what love is-- we all have varying answers; and because these answers are so different, often we get into marriages with people who have a completely different defintion of love. I mean...How many of us ask our partners what their definition of love is? It never crossed my mind until we started arguing about her selfishness.

Her definition of love consisted of companionship, compliance, and lust...not her exact words but close.

My definition of love was friendship, sacrifice, forgiveness, and affection (which sometimes includes lust).

If we take away the affection and lust(cause they cancel themselves out) and take away companionship, compliance, and forgiveness (cause you can get that from a pet) take away sacrifice cause we can get that from our parents. We are left with friendship. I believe that friendship(which includes great communication) is more important than love in and of itself.

So the questions are...What are your definitions of love? and...Would you date or marry someone who had a different definiton of love?

As you stated...everyone has their own definition of love, therefore it stands to reason that we will date or marry someone with a different definition.

Even though it differs among us, the one thing that it has in common with us all is that it's a preconceived idea of how we relate to people we care about. I tried to substitute love one time in my life...tried to downplay it's importance in a relationship...tried to rationalize just as you are why it's not needed, oh yeah, I thought "respect" was more important at one time. That was then...this is now, without love (whatever your definition of it)...a relationship will not obtain the highest level it can achieve. The mystery of "love" is that we want to define it for others based on the definition we have for ourselves...it doesn't work that way...it was meant to be different. Whether a person's definition of love is simplistic in nature or complicated to the core, one doesn't override the other.

I don't have a definition of love...so I can't answer your question. I've stop trying to define things that cannot be defined. To define it would mean to restrict it and love cannot be restricted.

love is a mystery love is untouched and only that person
feels it deep within their heart ......yes most really can't
say what love really is nor how to love but love is a bond
a whole heart emotional thing we all see it different
love is a true feeling one pose to vow in heart and holds
to giveth unto one's mate he/she offers
love is brand by the motional bond of two
yes respect is a key as loyality and comfort
but who really know love
God is da pure love ,
how was love born well that's a whole different thing
love can be defined many ways
it all depend on the two soulmates

the answer yet unknown !

First, I want to be clear that my comments are confined to the love felt between a man and a woman. I need to make that distinction because there are different types of love.

Dre', I sorta understand what your point is. Love alone, without some other ingredients in a relationship, may not survive the test of time. That's why I believe that a couple should also be spiritually (not religiously) compatible in order for love to genuinely blossom and evolve to its highest (or deepest) level.

But as ZG pointed out and I agree, without it, what do you really have? You might have a relationship that works in other ways, but what happens when you have this strong desire to feel that special closeness to someone and that feeling doesn't exist in the home where you lay your head a night.

Without love in a marriage I think all you have is a shallow relationship because love is the ultimate emotion that a person can feel. That's why it's so elusive and misunderstood because I believe to truly feel love, it takes the best that a person can give of him/herself.

I also agree that love, like hate, cannot be defined. Opposite emotions but probably felt with the same or similar intensity. The difference between them though is that love has healing powers whereas hate can destroy you. Love can lengthen your life and improve the quality of it, whereas hate makes you a pathetic human being and will send you to an early grave. That's my opinion anyway. Hate is much easier to achieve though. It doesn't require much of a self-sacrifice or compel you to rise to a higher level like love can do.

Finally, I believe that it's okay for a couple to have different definitions of love because if love is TRULY there, it won't matter. When you genuinely love someone, you will be more than happy to love them the way that makes them happy because when they are happy, so should you be too. To answer your question, yes, I could marry someone that had a different definition of love than me but I wouldn't marry someone whose value system was different than my own. I probably wouldn't be in a relationship with someone like that period.

Love is a precious and scare commodity that I wouldn't want to let go to waste on the wrong person.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I agree on some things and disagree on others. I disagree that love is necessary for a long lasting and meaningful relationship (at least at the start). Many people in other countries still have arranged marriages and their divorce rates are farrrr less than ours. In those arrangements in which mutual respect and fair treatment are prevailent the men and women have stated that they are fulfilled. Because they are commited from the outset (mostly for family reasons), they are forced to eliminate divorce as an option and begin to be friends because they realize its going to be a long life if they are not. And most times love grows from friendship and respect. Granted there are those arrangements in which the women are basically terrorized, but that happens here also.

I agree that love can not possibly have one definition, but to not, at least, try to define it for onesself leaves it up to pure emotion to find or not find and my opinion is that it would be a mistake to leave it up to emotion. Our emotions are--in most cases--what leads us astray. Without some rules of thumb our quest for love leads us to people whom are all wrong for us.

I don't have all the answers...as a matter of fact I have very few...but for me I will take a friend before a lover any day. If after time we have not grown to love each other then we can at least remain friends. See...hate is not the opposite of love...apathy is. In most cases those people we hate so much are the people who have the ability to hurt us the most because we still care so much. If we didn't care at all what they did...then that is a real lack of love.

So from a rational standpoint...if love is sooo abiguous, immanagable, ever-changing, and elusive...Why do we continue to base our marriages solely on love?? especially if we don't know what it is or what its supposed to do for us because we either can't or won't find out what it means to us..personally. Of course its necessary to feel that ultimate elation that comes from being one with someone but I submit that it can grow from simple friendship and respect.

What cha think??

peace and luv
Dre'

People don't base marriages (or relationships for that matter) "solely" on love, there are other factors involved as well.

I believe that love is a choice, we choose who and what we want to love, and that choice can be based on many things, and those things that might perhaps make me choose to love can be totally different from the things that perhaps will make you choose to love.

I'm not saying to you that you shouldn't try to define it...just know that you can only define it for you...your definition will not work for others, so you're back to square one.

Zero--

I agree with you 100% on everything you said except being back at square 1. The fact that I have defined what love means for me puts me many steps towards it. I believe that many of us don't get what we want because we don't really know what it is we want. Most of us know what we DON'T want but thats far from knowing what we want. For me...knowing that frienship, trust, and communication will be the foundation for my love keeps me from confusing things such as good sex, looks, money, and compliance with love. Like you said...thats for me, but I think that definition puts me a long ways from square 1.

peace and luv

Dre'

Love makes the world go round...all you need is love...love is a many splendored thing..because it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all! All cliche's, but true.

Dre', the way I see it, love is not the problem, it's people's confusion about love that is the problem.

ZG...I don't quite understand the concept of love being a choice. In the context of feelings toward another human being, if all the stars are in proper alignment, do we really make the choice of who to love? I don't know, maybe that's too deep for me to grasp at the moment. I'm going to continue to reflect on that.

Part of my struggle with that is that saying that can have the power to choose who to love makes it sound like it's this tangible thing that can be manipulated by us. I think of love as a source of energy. We emit this energy into the universe and it flows between people. I think the energy can either be attracted or repelled depending on the compatibility of the people. Maybe I'm more into the metaphysics of it.

Where does love come from--the heart, the brain? I guess you would have to know something about it in order to recognize what it is if you think you feel it or want to feel it and don't think you do.

Is love learned or is it a part of our human structure? Can animals feel love and do they know how to define it? Can an animal demonstrate love? For humans, is it so complicated to define it or are we simply making it complicated due to our modern day experiences?

Can a simple act of kindness be defined as love? Can respect be a form of love? Can the qualities of love be defined as the fruit of the spirit that's found in the Bible?

Maybe love isn't about the physical and everything about the spiritual. Maybe it's because some people might think that expressions of love are more physical, i.e., having sex, looking pretty, having lots of money--is what's got them confused.

A friend can be a lover and a lover can be a friend. Maybe the problem with most relationships is that people have one without the other. Maybe the point to this whole conversation is to recognize that both are important (maybe not equally so) and that we should seek both qualities in the same individual.

Whatcha think? :)

Queen, IMHO...if we didn't choose who or what to love and if we believed that love is a mysterious energy that flows between two people, then I would ask, would it be necessary for us to set criterias for finding our mate? If this energy determines who we love and we have no choice in the matter or control over it, I would think that marriages and relationships would be a lot more healthier than what they appear to be in the love department because it would occur without human intervention (we know how we can screw things up :D)

I strongly feel that love cannot be defined. Each person has their own definition of what they think it is. I see a problem when we try to dictate what love is for someone else. I said earlier that "we want to define it for others based on the definition we have for ourselves...it doesn't work that way...it was meant to be different."

If we have to have a "list" of what we want in a person to love that person or define love in abstracts, then I do believe that what we are doing are making choices of who or what to love.

Hope I didn't introduce more confusion :)

ZG, now you know you were confuzing a sister when you wrote that! *lol* I seem to be having problems with this system because I had crafted a detailed response to you and when I hit the reply button, it came up MIA! *Aarrrgggh!!* I'll try to recapture most of what I wrote in the first attempt. I would suggest that we might be agreeing on a deeper level than we might think.

I will concede that it might be possible for people to make choices about love relationships. How they turn out is another discussion. But I want to add to that thought by saying that I think that most people choose who they want to be WITH as opposed to who to LOVE.

Is it possible to shop for love like we do for a car or a house? Can you meet a person, get to know them and say, this is the person that I want to love or do we say this is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with? We don't FALL in love do we? I like to think that we grow to love, but how is that choosing? See, that's how you keep me confused! *lol*

Isn't love an evolutionary result of a set of biological, physiological and spiritual events that are beyond our control? Does man have control of or the power to manipulate everything around him in the physical world?

Metaphysically, I believe that we attract things/people to us by what we say and what we pray for. People are energy and we operate according to the laws of the universe with the capacity to attract and repel other energy sources. Love is a source of energy so I don't believe there's anything mysterious about it.

I don't think that love can be reduced to a simple choice alone without something else mixed in the formula. Can love happen when the criteria used as benchmarks are shallow and superficial: how a person dresses, how much money they make, even things they say to us that sound good. I guess it can since some of us don't think that love can be defined because it will differ from person to person.

So for me, the love I want to experience has to use a totally different set of criteria than the "shallow" qualities I just described. They're shallow to me but may not be for someone else.

As we all know too well, these are just physical or external trappings because people have the capability of wearing disguises and telling lies and if they're good at it we can attract them to us and eventually become a casualty to love. Looking with our two eyes is not enough, we need that third eye to protect us--that whole metaphysical experience. Too many of us are blind in our third eye--the one that among other things, helps us to recognize our "soul"-mate.

Okay, now I think I've taken this conversation to a whole new level and I've written far too much. *lol* Whew, now a sista needs to go take a nap!

All of this is IMHO :toast:

...in your statement where you said "...I think that most people choose who they want to be WITH as opposed to who to LOVE." Perhaps this is what we are witnessing, to a degree, in relationships today.

LOL! no, I don't think we go shopping for love per se, but we do shop for a mate; we do set preferences or establish a "shopping list" :) , and after we find a likely candidate and unwrap the packing, we then decide whether we "love", "like" or "take it back for a refund" (just don't loose your receipt). Of course I'm making light of dating, but imho, in the end I think we make a choice in loving someone. Do you think when we tell someone that we don't love them anymore that it's because of this energy fading away or that we choose to "not" like someone anymore? And how would you explain how someone can say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" ... so now love has yet *another* level to hurdle ... I have never understood that.

You asked "Can love happen when the criteria used as benchmarks are shallow and superficial" ... my answer is Yes! Of course! and to those that set that criteria, it's as strong as the person that sets, let's say, a stronger criteria. You can love (according to how we use and define it) based on any of our senses. Why do we love ice cream? because of taste. Why do we love a picture? because of sight. Everyone decides for themselves what and why they love something. For the life of me I can't imagine why anybody don't like GRITS! LOL! ... but you see where I'm going with this.

Your concept of the "third-eye" is cool, I like that. See, this is the very reason that I have stop trying to define something that I think cannot be defined. I guess I'm one of those that choose someone to be with and let love find it's way. :-)

You are a deep thinker...I like that! :toast:

"I guess I'm one of those that choose someone to be with and let love find it's way. :-) "
Zero--
I believe this is the most profound statement in this thread...at least for me...

The point of my initial thread was that I would rather have freindship in a relationship than love....and that basically sums up why. Love will find its way if you LIKE someone enough.

Is it a really a choice or is it karma that gravitates you toward a certain human being that you THINK you're choosing to be with?

You wrote: Do you think when we tell someone that we don't love them anymore that it's because of this energy fading away or that we choose to "not" like someone anymore?" What I think is happening in the situation you just described is why I think that "choosing" someone may not work in love relationships. Check this out...MAYBE what is happening is a recognition that you weren't with the person you should have been with in the FIRST place. Just because we SAY we love someone...well, does that make it so? Maybe we THINK we do, but we find out after all is said and done, what we feel isn't the type of love you want to (or think you should) feel for your "soul"-mate.

"And how would you explain how someone can say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" ... so now love has yet *another* level to hurdle ... I have never understood that." I explain that this way...it's like the difference between the love you feel toward a friend or anything that you respect as a part of our existence on this planet and the kind of love that is rare to find--between people that connect them...makes them feel as though they are a part of each other...they are not a strangers to each other, even before they physicall met; they are their "familiar", and I know some people will disagree with this notion but...they make each other feel complete such that to live without the other, makes them "broken".

How is that for a Libra answer? :)

*LOL* "take him/her back for a refund and don't lose your receipt!! I'm crackin' up on that one...*lol*

I don't try to define love...I just enjoy it...just like eating ice cream...I don't try to define the what, why's, or how...I just do! LOL!

We have been conditioned in society to respond to the *words* of affection (I love you, etc) and not the actions of such affection. I believe this is why we remain in relationships where someone is saying "I Love You" but is showing you the opposite. I think if we focused on how a person treat us, more than what a person say, we will be better equipped. In this sense, I agree with Dre, and perhaps I see his point now in not focusing on Love so much in a relationship but on something that is perhaps more revealing. I still say though that "Love" is still required to reach the ultimate level.

There are millions of people in this world that karma would gravitate you toward and it probably do more than we know, but it's choice that determines who's spirit you would allow to enter your world and you in theirs. If we didn't set criterias for finding love then I would agree that it will just happen, and perhaps that's the way it should be, but it's not. We choose our mates based on some pre-conditioned assumptions. We choose who we want to love based on those assumptions. If you like a tall man/woman, you will not love a short man/woman because you will never allow their karma to enter your world.

ooouuuu...you said the "C" word LOL! (Complete) ... you're in trouble now :x:

I would have to agree with Zero. We all have preferences and those preferences determine who we let in our lives...and I would submit that we can not be affected by someone's energy unless they are in our lives:D lol.

For me this debate is about whether we CHOOSE who to love based on assumptions we make versus whether love is an energy force that comes when everything is in proper alignment. I agree, it's not what you say, but everything about what you do. If we, ourselves, are clear about who we are, what we like and don't like, then I believe that we will draw people to us with similar likenesses. It's up to us then, to know them when we meet them. Yes, I agree with you and Dre', let's make the choice of who to be with!

Okay, we won't try to define love--with words that is. *LOL* Let's just consider ourselves blessed to know what it feels like WHEN (not if) it comes to us. When it's reciprocated, then we'll know why our Creator put us here together.

ZG, you wrote "We choose who we want to love based on those assumptions. If you like a tall man/woman, you will not love a short man/woman because you will never allow their karma to enter your world." We just agreed that we will choose who to be with and let love grow...(please let me add...if it's meant to be). *lol*

Making assumptions is like taking a shot in the dark. Maybe I'll hit the tartget and maybe I won't. I agree, love should not be the focus when you're in a relationship, therefore there's no need for a target. Just relax and see what happens. But could love be an ultimate goal when you're ready for love?

Taking your example ZG...If I liked only tall men, and I met a shorter man who felt like a good "fit" (ummmm, figuratively speaking...lol), how could I not grow to love the shorter man? Can I control those feelings in that situation? I'm not sure I could as much as I might want to.

At the same time, if I did grow to love the shorter man by way of a friendship, does that mean that I THOUGHT I was only attracted to tall men, but discovered that what I was really attracted to in a man had nothing to do with his physical stature at all buteverything to do with him as a person? If I lost my physical eyesight, what would I see of interest in people if all I'm looking for in a relationship are things that I can only see with my eyes? Taking this a bit deeper and this is where that can get scarey.

You wrote: "If this energy (meaning the love energy that I wrote about) determines who we love and we have no choice in the matter or control over it, I would think that marriages and relationships would be a lot more healthier than what they appear to be in the love department because it would occur without human intervention (we know how we can screw things up )"

I have always believed (still do) that I'm only attracted to Black men, that I could never be with a white man. But I realize that my reasons might seem superficial because of all the baggage that comes with racism in this country. BUT, what if I did meet a white man and he had all the qualities of a good "fit" and I chose not to be with him anyway. Am I manipulating the situation? If I insist on being only with a Black man, am I then settling for something other than that ultimate feeling?

Yeah, I did use the "C" word, huh? Whoa..what was I thinking? :D

Too many young folks are getting married and have not even experienced life. Straight out of high school and are ready to jump the broom. Not even taking the time to get to know one another then wondering what went wrong later on. I look for friendship from females these days. Let's be friends first then we will see what happend from there. I am not looking for love, it will find me, looking for it will only get you hurt.

Nfant, it's interesting that you and A007 seek friendship first and see what happened from there. I think I know what you are saying, I'm just hoping that you're not talking about a establishing a platonic relationship first. If you enter a relationship seeking friendship only (platonic in nature), raising the bar from friendship to an intimate relationship, sometimes isn't that easy. I would venture to say that on every discussion board, you will find a scenario where one of the parties in a platonic relationship would like to raise their relationship to another level and is 1) afraid of approaching the friend in fear of being rejected and perhaps losing a friend, or 2) approaching the friend, they raise the level, it don't work out and they lose a good friendship.


Queen, you're bringing it home! :) You stated "if I did grow to love the shorter man by way of a friendship, does that mean that I THOUGHT I was only attracted to tall men, but discovered that what I was really attracted to in a man had nothing to do with his physical stature at all buteverything to do with him as a person?" -- BINGO!! IMHO, if you were looking for love, and you like tall men, you would look right over (pun intended lol) the shorter man...he would be invisible to you. You grow to love the shorter man (by way of friendship) because you're not looking" for love, your preferences (for a mate) are not active. Isn't it interesting that our preferences for a friend is different from our preferences for a mate, but yet we want to establish friendship first in a relationship. Why doesn't establishing friendship fall under the same "preference" scrutiny as establishing a relationship? Could it be because we don't go looking for friendships...they just happens?

In the last part of your post you asked "BUT, what if I did meet a white man and he had all the qualities of a good "fit" and I chose not to be with him anyway. Am I manipulating the situation? If I insist on being only with a Black man, am I then settling for something other than that ultimate feeling?" -- Again imho, yes you are manipulating the situation. Some filters (preferences) are stronger than others...some we will not "settle" on and others we might. Would you be missing out on something? My 'footer' answers that question, which btw is my original :-)

Zero--

I agree that it may be hard to take a friendship to the next level.
But...1. Nothing in life thats worth having is easy. 2. It will much easier than having a divorce because your lover wasn't your friend. 3. If the communication and trust is good enough and the feelings are mutal the fear will subside and love will take its place.

As for me....my preferences for friendship are very close to the same as my preferences for love. I would have to say the only barrier is race. Not that its right...but its true.

Okay, you read it here first. I'm about to do a 180 on some of my earlier opinions! *lol* (and whoever said a sister can't be humble and admit that she can learn a few things, and from men? *lol*)

ZG!!!--I see your point and I'm beginning to understand your notion about the human GPS = global positioning system. :) White men are NOT on my personal radar at all. So I agree that people can jump in and manipulate their destiny because I am doing exactly that in the personal choice to confine my "vision" to a Black man only in a love relationship! Maybe one day I will trust my karma by allowing myself to be "free" to let go of some things, i.e., race, but that ain't happening right now! *lol* So what does that mean? That means that I'm observing with THREE eyes--two physically and one spiritually. A woman can't be too careful these days! *lol*

Now does that mean I'm LOOKING for love, per se? No, I'm not shopping for a man at the mall. I'll still allow the natural order of things to take place with one minor exception and that is I'll be carefully scrutinizing the person that comes to me for qualities that I find attractive (and I don't just mean phyisically attractive).

Standards are important and should not be compromised. Will I be missing out on something? IMHO, what you don't have, you can't miss. Will I be settling for less? IMHO, no, because whoever I allow to enter into a relationship with me deserves all of my undivided attention.

Dre' and ZG, your point about transitioning a friendship to a love(er)ship is interesting and one I never considered before. I'm going to think about that a while, but Dre', your points are well taken.

:toast:

Amen!! LOL! ... Well Said! I enjoyed the dialogue. You, Dre, and Nfant had me drawing "deep" ... I had to go to my "reserves" to keep up :) Queen, whomever you allow to enter into a relationship with you will be one lucky guy who will deserve all of your undivided attention.

I was forced to rethink my position also. Zero and Queen before this convo I had scarcely considered what effect my energy had on who was attracted to me. I felt that I made all of the decisions and therefore chartered my own course when it comes to frienship and consequently love. But...looking back on who is in my life currently and in the past I can completely see how the energy I put out is the energy I get back. The fact that I choose to make it friendship first is my intervention but that doesn't mean I had everything to do with the process.

Thanks for opening my eyes and even though we have not all met. I feel that the energy I get from you two makes me blessed to have your aquaintences and hopeful to have you as friends.:toast:

peace and luv
Dre'

I have platonic female friends and the reason they are "platonic" friends because I am not pursuing a sexual relationship of any kind from them. These are the women I see like a sister figure. Then the ladies I do date I try to become friends first before becoming too serious and most of the time intimate. Friends in the means of getting to know who she is, her goals, hobbies, etc. I know some females will try to use sex to get love so I try to get to know about a female first, see what I am getting involved with, as some call it "Mind Sex".

ZG...Dre'...Nfant...thank you for the compliments and I too thoroughly enjoyed our exchange on this topic. Being able to share my thoughts like this has helped me to realize something that I never included on my list of "qualities that I like in a man" and that is: INTELLIGENCE. From now on that will be on the top of my list. :D I genuinely admire the level of intellect displayed recently on this board!

:toast:

at first i was wondering what the hell you were talking about but after reading on... i really do feel you. i am a youngsta... i'll be 20 in a couple of weeks. but one thing that i hate the most is when people tell me that i don't know what love is. who ever said that there was an age limit on love? however, i do believe that love is a wonderful thing in which you constantly learn more and more about it's splendor... that one word holds a lot of power. i am in love with a great black man and before i ever told him that, we both made the definition of love clear by communicating that to one another. so... i see where you're coming from. it's important (forget important, it's crucial) to make that clear. that's why so many relationships do not last!

NNQueen wrote: "Taking your example ZG...If I liked only tall men, and I met a shorter man who felt like a good "fit" (ummmm, figuratively speaking...lol), how could I not grow to love the shorter man? Can I control those feelings in that situation? I'm not sure I could as much as I might want to."

I know for a fact that i couldn't.... We even tried to fight it.... avoided each others presence.... then seeked out each others presence... because the energy was so strong... spiritually, mentally... and swore.. no we vowed that we would never bond emotionally... that we were not completely attracted to each other physically. Now I am completely in love... And i love him unconditionally....

Why hasn't anyone mentioned unconditional love... because unconditional love is what allows a relationship to thrive indefinitely.

Adding my 2 Cents....

Love is so hard to define and embrace because too often we infect love with ego. We need to be loved and rather than allow ourselves to be loved freely we dictate how we should be loved. "Well, I'm this and that and a third so any man that steps to me better....(fill in the blank)." Or "I'm a man and as a man I expect A, B, C, D, if a Sista wants to be with me."
I feel love is feeling for another wholely and purely without any foreseable benefit. It's not a choice or an effort.
I happen to love and be in love with my best friend. It wasn't my intention to fall in love with him but my spirit craved the intellect, compassion, passion, truth, humor, respect and strength that his spirit offered and so I fell and am still falling.
When ego is not with the problem-selfishness is. We are not taught to be willing to give unconditionally which love requires. We are a "me, me, me" society not a "we, we, we" society.
Yes, I could marry a man whose definition of love differed from mine. As unique individuals I don't expect or demand that anyone see the world through my eyes or to feel their way through life according to definitions that I understand and agree with.

Queenie---FYI--I think if a post is too long it won't be posted--hence the "check message length" link..........


Scorp-----

Scorp...you always lend great insight and strong messages to the discussion. I think they are worth far more than 2 cents. I want to expand on a point you made:

"...It wasn't my intention to fall in love with him but my spirit craved the intellect, compassion, passion, truth, humor, respect and strength that his spirit offered and so I fell and am still falling."

I fully support the spiritual draw between two people and the fact that you are open to allowing the connection to occur. Even though two people may not have to define love the same way, do you think that there needs to be some common element or perspective about love to make the connection between you fuse together and not repel away from each other?

Whatcha think?

Shaneak...for me, I try not to talk about things that I don't know anything about. But maybe you can explain to me how you define "unconditional" love?

OK --

I understand that in all likliehood we will marry someone whose definition of love will be different than our own. However, aren't there some things that each of us REQUIRE to be in our partners' definition?

For example....It is a REQUIREMENT that my partner have friendship and sacrafice in their definition..

As for unconditioal love...Only God's love and the love of a parent are unconditional. And in some cases parents don't even love unconditonally.

If you look at it we all love our mates conditioned on how they make us feel, what they do for us, what they don't do to us.etc. This is why many many people fall out of love....because some condition is no longer being met.

So...that brings me back to the first statement of this thread....

I think most people get married for the wrong reason....LOVE.

love is divine
friendship is its strong wine
so prepare your mind
for what it comes to bind
its message comes for two
it cloaks me and you
luv thyself like thy neighbor
that's what its meant for.

Love is a very challenging and difficult subject to define and discuss.
We have talk shows that exploit people who act out in the name of love (Jerry Springer) and some of the greatest works of art that were created to express love (the Taj Mahal).
On one hand I agree that people need to learn to love uncontionally and be willing to except love from others. On the other hand (warning, I may rack up more hands than the typical human has), people should realize when or how to love. You can love someone but if that person takes advantage of that love or disrespects or hurts you in the name of love, you may need to find other avenues to love that person. Loving someone from afar, even unconditionally, can still be considered love. Conversely, people should make attempts to except love and not hold up the barrier that may empede love's progress. People shouldn't let what a man or woman did 15 years ago interfere with what the current love of your life will or can do for you.
People should be open and willing to give and recieve love!

ONE LOVE

otuya, I like your poetry!

i believe that the only types of love that really last are of the unconditional type. God's love for us is meant to last...our parent's love for us is meant to last...and so on. However, i can love a man unconditionally while still having certain expectations, such as not to be beaten, misued, lied to nor neglected. Even unconditional love has it's expectations.:star:

Hello Destee Fam...long time no post (for me). I am not quite back into the swing of things but I will be shortly.

Sanaiah, I humbly submit that those "expectations" that you have not to be beaten and so on are CONDITIONS of you continuing to love that man. That's why it is unrealistic to expect to give or recieve unconditional love when we speak about romantic love. Romantic love is one of the most conditional things in the world....and until we realize that we are going to keep bumping our respective heads on that wall of conditions. Once we know it is conditioned upon us meeting certain "expectations" then we can own those expectations and not combat them with the "you are supposed to love me" decree which (in case you haven't noticed) is followed closely by divorce.

i believe that the only types of love that really last are of the unconditional type. God's love for us is meant to last...our parent's love for us is meant to last...and so on. However, i can love a man unconditionally while still having certain expectations, such as not to be beaten, misued, lied to nor neglected. Even unconditional love has it's expectations.:star:

Sister Sanaiah ... Welcome Welcome Welcome ... :wave:

Thanks for joining us and sharing your opinion.

Join us in our new voice & video chat too ... www.destee.com/chat ... it's open 24/7!

Please make yourself at home Sister, because you are!

Much Love and Peace.

:heart:

Destee

Hello Destee Fam...long time no post (for me). I am not quite back into the swing of things but I will be shortly.

Sanaiah, I humbly submit that those "expectations" that you have not to be beaten and so on are CONDITIONS of you continuing to love that man. That's why it is unrealistic to expect to give or recieve unconditional love when we speak about romantic love. Romantic love is one of the most conditional things in the world....and until we realize that we are going to keep bumping our respective heads on that wall of conditions. Once we know it is conditioned upon us meeting certain "expectations" then we can own those expectations and not combat them with the "you are supposed to love me" decree which (in case you haven't noticed) is followed closely by divorce.

Brother A007 ... you have been missed ... i really wanna whoop you for staying away so long ... but since you're not in the swing of things yet, i'll wait till then ... :spank:

Please hurry back.

:heart:

Destee

Hey A007....

I wish the thought of asking my male friends what love meant to them would have been revealed to me many years ago.. as I would have saved myself a "Big Bucket" full of tears.