There is this guy I am dating and he is 26 with two children. I really want to be with him because he is on my level. I have known him for about 3 years prior to hooking up with him. Should i keep it real and go with my feelings or keep it real and find someone with no children. Oh I am 19 No children of my own. Just want to here some opinions .


Holla Back::love:

first allow me to welcome thee
upon a love a family of Destee
I hear what u saying .....if u have these emotional feelings
for him and have a love for children , you two see eye 2 eye
then yes go with your feelings for him and stand by him
love him as he loveth u
but if u feel it's too much and not ready for children
then indeed u are in the wrong place
go with your heart , ya gut feelings and what you knoweth of
sound like you two would be very nice as a whole but
who am i to say .....

GOOD LUCK and again Welcome :heart:
:wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave:

At 19 you still have a lot of growning to do. Do not rush things, just let them happen. I say be friends first and see what happens. I have seen many females go down a similar road, most of them getting pregnant in their earlier 20s and losing out on a lot of things, school, friends,ect. The age difference has me wondering too, and you say he is on your level at 26?!! That teenage love is a mutha!

Thanks yall for the responses Nfant you came at me on the real and i thank you what you said about the age thang is the same thing my sister said but you have to be me to understand. My mind is so past the get caught up in some guy and wonder what happen. Take it slow is what i will do.

No thanks needed my sistah. I am just doing what I am suppose to be doing, watching out for our sistahs, our most valuable resource. :-)

If you care about him the kids shouldn't matter.

IMHO ... children do matter. They are a part of the equation, and they should not be taken likely or ignored. Believe me, they will have a bigger role in the relationship than you think. The healthiness of the relationship is determined by ALL that's involved...ALL...including the children.

Zero - I hear what you are saying but I think that people, many times, miss the things that are meant for them because of superficial hangups. If the shoe were on my foot I wouldn't want someone to have to think twice about dating me just because I had kids. There is so much more to me and to what I would offer as a lover than to just let someone define me on the issue of my children. So I respectfully have to stand my ground on this one :)

sexe1, in your brief one liner it wasn't clear to me what you were saying, but now that you elaborated a little more I understand more of your perspective, of which I do indeed respect. I just couldn't imagine entering a relationship with someone that has children where the children wouldn't matter :) ... I stand corrected...I hear what you're saying.

sexe1, I understand where you're coming from and ideally that's the way things should be. But in reality, IMHO, children do matter in love relationships.

First of all, it's critical that the one without the children had better like children and have a sense of responsibility and awareness of how to be a good parent because they will become a part of their lives.

Second, the children should like and respect you because if they don't, that spells trouble that can strain a relationship.

Third, the couple needs to have that conversation about the children and establish some ground rules. Can the non-parent chastise the children, can they be left alone with the children?

People should always be very, very careful about introducing new people in their children's lives. Particularly mothers with daughters. I just think that when children are involved, there's more to it than just the two adults who are attracted to each other. As much as we might like to think that they aren't, children play a key role in who we get involved with.

From my point of view, it's never superficial to think twice, delay or decide not to get involved with someone if the children can't cope with a new relationship for a parent. It could be the difference between harmony and chaos in the home.

^5 :)

Well Said!

ZG, I sensed that's what you meant when you posted your comments. I see both your point of view as well as sexe1's. But sexe1, if it was me involved, I would think twice and would want a man to think twice about getting involved with me if children are part of the equation. That is a major decision that doesn't confine itself to whether we love each other or not.

I sent you a reply yesterday, but it didn't appear...and drats, I forgot what I had said :)

I just wanted to concur with you in that children does matter in relationships, whether you're the one with them or your partner. I understand sexe1 perspective from her standpoint of having children and she not wanting to be descriminated on that alone. Does it really matter though on what criteria one might fall short on when it comes to being chosen as a mate. They are all shallow, so if someone doesn't want someone that already has children, is that any less than someone that wants a tall person as a criteria? You can't do anything about either one, so you have to move on and find someone that doesn't have those criterias for a mate.

N-knee-way ... you said it better than I could have and your points were very clear to me.

(now I hope I don't lose this one :) )

ZG, don't underestimate you communication skills. You do a great job, imo.

I'm contemplating your opinion about what constitutes "shallow" when making choices in a relationship. I think I understand where you're coming from but I don't know that I agree that one's choice to get involved with someone with children would fall in the definition of being shallow and here's why.

Since I have conceded (in another thread) that people do make choices in who to be with in a relationship, I would also agree with you that the criteria that people use to make their choices can be shallow, but add, or based on more substantive reasons.

For me personally, height is shallow, but children aren't. Height is a characteristic but children are people. True, you can't do anything about your height, but people can make choices about whether to have or not to have children. Suppose I don't like children or want children? Suppose my lifestyle isn't conducive to children? Wouldn't it be prudent of me to exercise my power to choose by not choosing to be in a relationship with someone who has children? And people who have children shouldn't take that personal. I would be greatful for a person being honest with me up front as opposed to getting involved knowing they aren't keen on my kids, and wind up hurting everyone later on.

We will attract people to us that are a good fit, but everyone that comes to you won't be. It's up to us to use the power of discernment to know the difference.

Would you agree? :)

P.S. I've experienced lost posts many times and have learned to copy them first before I hit "Submit Reply". That way, I save the message until the problem is corrected. Try that and see if it works for you too! :toast:

we must not under-estimate out power of choice in reply to your statement ... "We will attract people to us that are a good fit, but everyone that comes to you won't be. It's up to us to use the power of discernment to know the difference. "

Let me correct myself (and thanks for raising the consciousness of my statement) on the shallow angle. I didn't mean to imply that children are shallow in no form or fashion. Our choices (preferences) we imploy when choosing mates are often shallow in nature, and I was trying to convey that choosing a mate because they have child(ren) is just another choice we consider in doing so...although I would like to believe that we would put more thought and consideration in this selection than, let's say, the height issue.

All of the reasoning you injected in considering a mate with child(ren) are valid and I believe those are the questions one should ask if child(ren) would be involved. In the end, a *choice* would be made and based on some criteria, I guess (looking back on my response) that was what I was saying, but it did come out like I was saying choosing a mate with child(ren) is just another shallow criteria we have to make.

Again, thanks for watching my back :)

Okay... here is my opinion... I don't date anyone 5 years older than me... I am now 23. I have conversed with the opposite sex that is twice my age... but relationship wise... I see no necessity. A man once told me...
I was 19 years old and he was 28. (who was trying to holla)
" My homeboys told me to find a girl thats younger. Why? Because they have less baggage and you can conform them to your ways... being that they are not yet stuck in theirs." Have you ever heard the old saying... An Old man or Woman stuck in their ways. Meaning... that.. they are use to doing a certain thing... living a certain way for a long time. (unable to break the habit).
Well what i told him was this...." For someone like me to be so young... I am very stuck in my ways."
Another lesson given to me by the wise: a woman doesn't become a woman until she's 21.... a man doesn't become a man until he's 25...
A woman stops growing around the age of 21... A man stops growing around the age of 25...
In my lifetime.. which isn't that long.. but truly feels that way somtimes.... I have only met a handful of men that matured above their actual age... and the maturity level... was still not at its high... Only in certain areas....

The fact remains.. you discuss committment... which means you're really interested. How many levels do he touch you on...
Does he stimulate you mentally... based on what he teaches you... or what you both can relate on together.
Does he stand behind you emotionally.... During your rainy and sunny days... can he understand and relate... communicate to calm the storm that decided to rush in on you...
Does he elevate you and support your every attempt to success. Does he help you to reach your goals.. in what ever way you need him to be....
To be honest... I personally didn't have time to think this way at 19... nor did i want to.... I was living for me... But in the end when that time came i had to ask those questions... and my true love is 3 years older than me....
My suggestion... despite all that i have said...
You'll come across a lot of those.. and some with kids and some without... If you really want to be committed... good luck....
Other than that... just do what makes you happy... and don't make lifetime committments that you may regret down the road....
Is the kids even an issue for you... And if they aren't now... just remember.. how you were in the picture before and how you'll be in the picture later... How far apart are they.. same baby mother... what his visitation like.... do you even agree... Me personally.. The way a man treats his kids afar will tell me how he would treat mine... And i would want a man that would be a good father despite all obstacles... because once a seed is born you no long live for you... but them... Nevertheless, some things cannot be told... They must be experience for themselves.