Is it acceptable/expected for a husband and wife couple to have private matters they do not share with one another?

I'm not married but can't imagine that someone would want to know every single thing that happens in my life, day in and day out (all could easily be classified as private). He'd have no life of his own if he did this. Certainly there will be things that I'd want my spouse to know, but him knowing all things wouldn't be necessary. Likewise, I don't think it would be necessary for me to know every single thing that is going on in his day to day experiences. Seems like overkill to me.

If I ever marry again, I'd hope that my spouse could make decisions without my being in on every single one. I'd like to think there will be times when he recognizes it might be a good idea to mention some things to me, prior to them happening.

I think it depends on the individuals in the relationship and how secure and confident they are with the decisions and choices their spouse makes.

:heart:

Destee

A marriage "should" be well grounded in trust and honesty and I can't see how that can be achieved if there are "private" matters going on that are not shared. You don't have to know every little thing in your spouse's life, but private matters, IMHO, displays a form of mistrust that reduces the value of a marriage.

I need a few examples of what would be considered "private matters" in a marriage.

it depends on how serious and extensive those "private" matters are.

for instance, if you cheated, tell me so l can do the darn break up thing..

my opinion..

O.k. Destee, I really didn't want to give examples, because there are soooo many possibilities, and I didn't want to just list a few of them, and skew the potential answers, because my question is much broader than the few issues that I had thought of at the time I posed the question. This is not intended to focus on SPECIFIC secrets, but whether or not ANYTHING should be kept secret.

Allow me first to clarify the question. Should a wife or husband deliberately "HIDE" anything (permanently) from their spouse? I cannot recall the specific example of a "secret" that had compelled me to run this poll, but there were others besides that one that entered my mind when I began to reflect after thinking of the question. I hope I recall the specific one, and if so I will mention it. But before I list any examples, I hope this clarification will edify the question enough that I can wait on throwing out examples.

Now, I know that anything major should be revealed to the spouse prior to marriage, but I am speaking of matters that are not really major that are either from the past, present, or that occur in the future.

O.k. it came back to me how I thought of this question. Another member here asked what your needs and wants are with your mate. In reply, I mentioned strengths, weaknesses and flaws. So I will give vague examples of what types of things could be kept secret. These are BY NO MEANS exclusive examples; there could be countless other widely varying examples.

Example 1.
something embarrassing or disturbing from one's past, that will in all likelihood not affect the present or future, but that the spouse may not like or may even be turned off to find out

Example 2.
I have to give a specific example for this one, because I know of three (related) examples, and this is probably the only way to clarify what could be a present-tense "secret". My mother once told me of a woman who never, ever, ever would allow her husband to see her face without makeup on it! She would not even wash it off at night! (secret: what her natural face looked like!) A friend once intimated to me that a woman he had been with (not sure if his wife or someone else) would always pull the covers up to her neck when she was in the bed nude with him. (secret: her nudity) Another friend (female) told me of a longtime boyfriend she was intimate with, who would never remove his shirt during intercourse (secret: she never figured it out) Now these are all examples of physical appearance secrets, but there could be something going on with the person emotionally or intellectually or psychologically that is mild, that they are hiding

Example 3.
something occurs during the marriage that the spouse feels the need to keep secret; this could be just about anything, but excluding major things like an affair, but including less major situations that might bring about disappointment or distaste or worry from the spouse.

Answers, please. :)

if da nature of the secret one so keep is in fact not of
dishonor or disrespect he or she can keep it to them self
i see not to seek out every thing in a mates life coz what's
before u is not of u so why open up a can of worms

now on the other hand yes if the secret apply to the two
they should be openly and honest and hold no secrets forth
it will scare the relationship to a madness or break up
these are Questions of many in different way and can hit
in many way
but truth// trust//honesty//respect//da honor & true love
is da whole key i was once married and their was secrets
that was kept that had no bearings on our relationship
she kept her in and so did i but it was one she kept that did have a fate in our beings and it destroyed what we had once
so it can affect in some ways and in others it's cool
and anyway most females hold secrets to they die and never
open up or say anything on da matter yes females keep secrets
far more and much longer then men
some time it coz by the fact it should not be told or not 2 hurt
a soul break a heart and simply afraid to say it .....
now this is what i see // feel// and know/

"women hide secrets very well."
is this true??

some women have more game than XBox :D

Whether women or men keep secrets better? Don't women tend more toward gossip? Also, I think once a secret is shared with at least one other person, it is difficult for others to keep the secret confidential. Finally, this question pertains to both women AND men! And it does not have to be a "game" type of secret. Suppose it is something like, one mate really dislikes the other mate's relatives or a particular relative, or something like that, but does not let the spouse in on that "secret".

I believe two people joined in marriage are obligated to share information and have equal access to/input in decisions that impact their family, i.e. children, finances, etc.

Married folks who have strong spiritual ties, are already of the mind and in tune with the fact that there is a Divine counselor Who is available to them 24/7 where even their earthly partner may not be. And there are some personal issues folks struggle with in relationships that only need to be taken to the Lord, in prayer. Even in this case, they might share with their spouse, and pray (and fast) about these issues together. I have heard husbands and wives (in prayer services), say that there are some things they don't share with their wives (and vice versa)...while seated right next to the spouse...who is showing a look of complete understanding ~ relating. They are relating because the understanding is they both are developing a personal relationship with Christ...which is only going to enhance their marriage.

I believe in open-ness in intimate relationships. And I also believe that part of that open-ness includes the understanding/knowledge, that a person/partner is entitled to and should be allowed their privacy. Hoping that statement made sense... but I can only bring it home this way:

There should be no question asked that is left unanswered. And answered in all honesty. Even if the answer is, "I'd rather not answer that right now." But all this is only developed through the fine art of learning to communicate as a couple.

In my own experience, I have found that in getting to know someone intimately...there is a comfort level we establish. After a while and a great deal of mutual "sharing"... and just through being attentive and listening well, I learn more than I need/want to know, anyway. :wink:

peace

alyce

y the need 4 secrecy? i thought we joined 2 share our lives n all ways. its clear, at least 2 me, that by sharing everything, it is not meant 2 devulge every action or thought 24/7. not only would that not b possible (few of us can recall everything), what purpose would that serve. neither do i think that was what was meant by the ?. i took it 2 mean relevent, impactful actions or issues, both negative & positive.

relationships r journeys of discovery. we attempt 2 discover more about ourselves & our partners. f there r 2 b restrictions on sharing of information, it should b disclosed & agreed upon by both parties at the outset. lets b honest. few of us can xercise sufficient dicipline 2 ever w/hold any info that puts us n a better light, so what we re really talking about is the negative stuff. things that reveal our 'other' side, usu our less glamorus or less heroic nature. i.e., our humanity. well, inho, part of being n a committed relationship, marriage or whatever, involves reciprocation & complimentation. how can i hv ur back, f i don t know where the weak spots r? yes, all of them. i m a big boy now, i can take it.

its also expedient. the story, deficit, impropriety, or whatever, will b a lot less damaging coming from me (f its about me or something i ve done n the past i m not proud of) than from some other source. it also eliminates that whole, 'y didn t u tell me' scenario. f we re truly connected, n that special way beyond just the physical, i WANT u 2 know my weaknesses, past judgement lapses, & personality flaws. i want u 2 know me n the most complete manner possible, not just the halo portions. f u can t handle the whole me, the real me, after all, i m a package deal (we all r), better 2 find out now, then when nitrogen laiden biological waste material encounters an electric ocilating rotery device designed 2 encourage air flow.

Now, we are getting at the core of what I am asking. Alyce and Doc Parker, you offered a fine outline of your opinion in response to this question, and you both obviously selected opposing answers, yet defended your positions beautifully. I must say, Doctor Parker, I have never before heard the old cliche stated quite that way before.

I do have to say that in my opinion, Doctor Parker has described what is probably the ideal partnering/marriage. And a good observation that we are speaking not of the positives, but the negatives--the faults--the flaws--the shortcomings.

What alyce has described, I consider to be a fair assessment and probably the answer most folk would agree with.

If I may recite a line from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet"... you may be familiar...

"Then Almitra spoke again and said, 'And what of Marriage, master?'
And he answered saying: You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.........
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

Thanks y'all. Good insight.

Responding again, now that I understand the question better. I still stand by my previous response, that not all things that happen in a life are discussion worthy, but certainly if a spouse wanted to discuss something ... anything ... it should be discussed.

A marriage full of secrets is a marriage full of problems. I'm willing to guess, the fact that someone wants to keep a secret, is the least of the problems.

:heart:

Destee

yes keme is right most females keep secrets far more then a male
and why do secrets kept anyway all for one and one for all
no need to hide anything shouldn't be anything you or your mate
coundn't talk about ....

Everyone has a right to some privacy, even couples. Just because you become a couple doesn't automatically translate into loss of that right. Opening up and sharing information is something that is earned through trust and respect. Why would I tell my husband something if he's proven that he can't handle or doesn't respect certain pieces of information. A person has to be smart about what they share, and yes, with that one must act responsibly. But there's an old saying, "Loose lips, sinks ships." If you've done something that can be detrimental to the survival of a relationship, then either keep your mouth shut and go tell your pastor, OR end the relationship.

I agree with Zero totally.

LOL @ some women have more game than XBox, cause men have more game than 2 Xbox's, 3 playstations, and an atari with all the games included.

Originally posted by Destee
I'm not married but can't imagine that someone would want to know every single thing that happens in my life, day in and day out (all could easily be classified as private). He'd have no life of his own if he did this. Certainly there will be things that I'd want my spouse to know, but him knowing all things wouldn't be necessary. Likewise, I don't think it would be necessary for me to know every single thing that is going on in his day to day experiences. Seems like overkill to me.

If I ever marry again, I'd hope that my spouse could make decisions without my being in on every single one. I'd like to think there will be times when he recognizes it might be a good idea to mention some things to me, prior to them happening.

I think it depends on the individuals in the relationship and how secure and confident they are with the decisions and choices their spouse makes.

:heart:

Destee

I agree that it does matter as to how secure you are made to feel in the relationship. As far as there being "private areas" I feel that in a marriage there shouldn't be any. What I do feel is that we all need our own space to breathe and be ourselves. If we know every move taken by the other we have nothing to discuss or an identity of our own. in some relationships the trust level is so low becasue of past hurts that we need to know all moves by the other to feel control and loved. We honestly can never really know all about our spouses or even expect for them to make our level of security higher. what we can and should demand is love, respect and honesty. We have to find our own security which starts in ourselves. If we are secure in self and what we have to offer to the relationship that's the beauty. We all are unique and valuable we have to find our own value and build from that. Once we know our worth is when we get the power. Be blessed!:heart:

yes indeed so correct i agree

I agree with Destee...sumtimes you don't need to tell him EVERYTHING...

It seems to me that nearly everyone has his/her own definition of what a "secret" is. Almost everyone states that there should be some measure of privacy if only in the most mundane thing.

That's what makes this a difficult topic for me.

DESTEE:

I could not agree more and I also like the fact that you chose to answer directly as oppossed to skipping and hopping all over the question. LOL

I believe that we as people are not only people but *PERSONS* and being thus it would seem normal that there may be somethings which we as WOMEN prefer to keep close to our hearts and PRIVY* to our souls.

We are allowed to withhold while continously nurturing, strengthning, cultivating, developing and fostering our relationships. Moreover, because we are *PERSONS* it would be remiss to not harbor, and protect a few so called** secrets which I will call my intrigue and those things that are for me only.

I believe that it is a good and wholesome thing for women to withhold the unseen especially if the tidbit has nothing to do with the success or failure of a relationship. i also believe that for women to be able to savor some small camoflage that it lends us power to understand our men..You know those who also talk little and carry a big stick!!


Love you

everyone has rights to speak or keep the past out the marriage of new
we all don't want to just tell everything about what we did with who when
or where some things are not to be discussed and surely i don't want to know
all her past and def not going to speak on all mines . Health living.

I feel I'm pretty open with most people...if we are close. With that said, my husband would more than likely be mature enough to know that if he asks a question, he ought to be able to handle the truth. I would never intentionally hide something from him...I don't think he should be walking around knowing less about me than my best friend does. He's supposed to be a partner for life, accepting me for me.